That's what's in me
by Kayxxx
Summary: Inspired by the autumn trailer. Cal suddenly discovers he's a father, to a very poorly little girl, but is our adrenaline-fueled doctor who pretty much takes life in his stride really up for such a big responsibility? DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately I do not own any Casualty characters, I do however own anyone your don't recognise. *May contain spoilers for future episodes*
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone. Has anyone else got a look at the autumn trailer?! If not don't read on because I'm definitely going to spoil it for you...**

 **CAL'S A DAD AHHHHH I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for this to play out! *tries to compose myself* okay, this trailer has given me so many ideas for new stories, this is one I have came up with playing with the idea of Cal having a daughter (of course). What I have come up with is probably not how it is going to play out when it eventually plays out on our screens soon but it is inspired by the autumn trailer and so it may contain some spoilers though I'm not sure I can spoil much if you already know Cal has a daughter (I'm still not composed I'm so excited I feel like hitting every key on my keyboard to try and express my excitement though that won't even be a good representation wowwww...I'm sorry *takes deep breath*). I've decided to make this quite dramatic as you all know I love writing both dramatic and emotional hopefully this will be both. I am writing as I am publishing and so you may have to bear with me for updates on this one. I'm sure the trailer has inspired many to write on this topic but this will be my take on it, I hope you all enjoy please let me know your thoughts. I'm super excited to get started with this one, probably because it's actually sort of based on the show and not some completely made up farfetched story made about Cal having a kid, it actually happens...wow.**

 **Parts of this first chapter I had actually written a few months back when I posted the story "Good and bad things" about Ethan and his son Thomas. I actually planned it to be Cal who had the child though mid-way through writing the first chapter changed my mind completely and went from Cal having a baby to Ethan having a six year old, oh the fun of imagination. Anyways, the name of this story is taken from the trailer when Cal is talking to Charlie in the car, this is: "That's what's in me" I hope you enjoy and I'm sorry for rambling on for nearly an entire page, please forgive me, Kayxxx :')**

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That's what's in me – Chapter one

It was 7:15am. Ethan was up and ready to leave for his day of work, he would be out of the house by 7:30 as usual when he was on this shift. He was currently sat in the kitchen nursing a cup of coffee, this was part of his everyday routine to get him ready and awake for what the day ahead would bring...little did he know the one measly cup of coffee wouldn't even come close to preparing him for what _this_ day would bring. He sat doing something that he had been doing a lot lately; thinking about Honey. The relationship between the two had ended over a month ago now; however Ethan just could seem to shift the pretty tea girl from his mind. He didn't wonder why they broke up, that was obvious. They were the complete opposite, she made tea, he preferred coffee, he liked French movies, she liked Disney, she used to strip for money whereas Ethan had an incredibly sheltered life and would never dare step foot in a strip club, voluntarily that is. He dreamt of becoming a top consultant, she dreamt of becoming a beautician...Complete. Opposites. Of course the open minded doctor saw status as nothing, though he seemed to be the only one who thought that way, no one could actually understand what a doctor would want with a barista, even the barista herself couldn't get her head around it, she thought he was too smart for her and the fact that he found entertainment in things she couldn't even comprehend made her feel quite intimidated, though Ethan would never want Honey to change, he liked her just as she was. He told himself it was perfectly fine for relationships to have differences between the two components it would just take a bit of work, but to have practically nothing in common whatsoever, that's a hell of a lot of work to do. They called it off; Honey took off back to Manchester to start up her own business as a beautician and although her leaving tore at his heart, he was proud of her for chasing her dreams, he always did admire optimism.

His thinking was cut off when he realised he had reached the end of his morning coffee, meaning anytime now the post would be delivered as it would be around 7:20 and that was the usual time it would be delivered. Being a doctor can be extremely unpredictable, you can never be sure what your next patient will bring and so he would always make sure what he could organise in his day; he would, down to the minutes. For this shift in particular he would get up at 6:30, get a shower until 6:40, once dry, shaved and in clean clothes he would head downstairs for breakfast at 7:00, usually something quick like toast but sometimes if he really felt like pushing the boat out he would make dippy eggs and soldiers, however today he had toast with the Honey thoughts sidetracking his mind too much too focus on getting his eggs at the right dippy-ness for his soldiers. He would then sit and eat his breakfast whilst he tried to get through the next few pages of whatever book was on his latest agenda, then make his morning coffee at 7:15, finish it by 7:18, then he knew the mail would be delivered at 7:20 as their house was one of the first of the postman's journey, he would check through his mail, go and brush his teeth and ensure he left by 7:30, even if he was ready by 7:29, he would wait by the door until 7:30, it just felt right. Of course he had a completely different routine for different shifts and god forbid him trying to keep his routine intact when his brother Caleb was on the same shift. Cal's routine involved dragging himself out of bed 5 minutes before Ethan was set to leave having the younger man on edge constantly- not how he would want to start off his day, luckily Cal wasn't even due in work today and so would probably be spending the entirety of the day in bed.

His watch pointed to 7:20. He opened his door and made his way to the post box placed at the end of his pathway, as he opened it up he looked back his path at his door, he noticed something poking out between his two wheelie bins. As he approached it he could hear some strange noises coming from the object, grunting sounds, he actually debated leaving it there in case there was some sort of animal hiding away in there from the bitter winter mornings but once he noticed a pink blanket placed over the top of it he figured no animal could do that. He kneeled down before it and slowly pulled back the blanket, nothing could have prepared him for what was behind it. It was a car seat, in the car seat sat a baby...an actual baby, placed in his pathway. He watched it in astonishment. It let out a wail in fright as he pulled back the blanket which snapped Ethan into his caring mode he had naturally as a doctor.

"Hey shh, it's okay don't cry" he spoke softly as he rocked the chair back and forth. He looked around for any signs as to why this baby could've been left here, behind the baby he found a bag which he opened, there where nappies, bottles, wipes, toys, everything but what he wanted to find; an answer to why this baby had been left at his doorstep.

He stood up with the chair and placed it on top of the wheelie bin as he thought. He noticed a lady stood across the road with her son, who was more than likely on the school run, "Excuse me? Is this your baby?" he asked her. She gave him a confused look and then hurried her son off down the road.

Ethan looked back down at the baby, "Don't worry little one we'll find your parents won't we?" he forced out a smile. He turned to his house, "Cal!" he shouted up the stairs.

"Hi is this your baby?" He asked as he caught another mother walking passed, she shook her head, "Did you happen to see who left her here?" he asked, yet again she shook her head.

"Right, thanks...for nothing" he mumbled to himself as picked up the baby and made his way toward the door, his intention being to call the police, but before he reached his house he noticed something fall from the car seat.

"Oh what's this eh little one you've brought mail" he smiled as he picked it up and began to read.

He felt his heart sink as he read it, he was completely staggered. He looked back up at the baby who he now looked at in a completely different way...he was lost for words.

"...Cal!" He managed to call, "Caleb!" He roared up the stairs as he got the baby indoors and sat her chair on the floor, "Cal!" he yelled once more.

His elder brother appeared at the stop of the stairs and let out a yawn as he made his way down to see what all the shouting was about, "Ugh what?! I'm not in today Ethan so I plan on sleeping for the majority-" his moaning was cut off when he noticed the car seat hidden behind his brother's legs, "what's that?" he asked as the baby let out another grunt. Ethan looked at him worryingly; he still couldn't find any words. He handed him the letter that he had found. Cal looked at him warily as he took it...

 _"Cal, it's Taylor, Taylor Ashbie. I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from but this is Tobi, our daughter. Having her made me realise I'm not cut out to be a mother, I can't handle her. I thought about putting her up for adoption but then I realised you're half reason I'm in this mess anyway, so she's your responsibility now, good luck, believe me you'll need it."_

Cal felt his entire body drain, he looked back up at his brother who was kneeled down beside the small baby, "What? Ethan please say this is some sort of sick joke?" he whispered.

Ethan placed is hand in the baby's, she wrapped her tiny fingers around his thumb, he smiled completely captured by her innocent gaze; "Hello little Tobi, oh you're lovely aren't you? I'm your Uncle Ethan-" Cal cut him off.

"Stop it!" he shouted.

Ethan shot a snarl up at his brother and then looked back down to smile at the baby, "And this here is your daddy look" he pointed towards Cal.

"Stop it!" Cal roared as tears built in his eyes.

"We'll make you feel wanted won't we?" Ethan spoke softly as he bobbed the baby's hand up and down causing her to smile.

Cal stormed out of the house quickly almost taking Ethan with him as he rushed passed.

Ethan gave daggers to his brother's back as he left, "Well, it might take him some time" he smiled as he looked back down at Tobi, "well, he did say he wanted to commit to something" he stated sarcastically

"Come here, let's take a look at you shall we?" he unbuckled her from her chair and picked her up, "Oh you're a little cutie aren't you?" he smiled as he held her close, she was an incredibly cute baby. Ethan never did take to babies much and vice versa, but Tobi was so cute he almost felt worried in case he squeezed her too hard in cuddles. The baby continued to grunt and squeal as he held her, "You're shivering, how long were you out there eh?" he whispered as he inspected her, he felt her head with the back of his hand and then felt her hands and feet, realisation grew across him suddenly. He buckled her back into her car seat and hurried out of the house with her, hoping Cal hadn't taken the car.

"Cal!" he called as he rushed to his parked car, his brother sat in the driver's seat gripping onto the steering wheel staring blankly ahead.

Ethan opened up the back seat and strapped the baby in, funnily enough he knew how to strap babies into cars as he'd helped many new mother's to their cars as they left the hospital. He then took a seat next to Tobi and watched over her warily.

"What are you doing? Get it out of the car Ethan" Cal sighed still staring ahead, his voice sounded almost mournful.

"That 'it' is your daughter Caleb and she's ill, very ill in fact" Ethan snapped in reply as he tucked her pink blanket in around her.

"What?" Cal called as he looked over his shoulder at them.

"Her temperature is high, her hands and feet are cold, she's grunting, shivering extremely, and now I'm starting to notice wheezing as she's breathing, now drive" he ordered.

"What? Is she okay? Has she got a rash?" Cal spoke concerned as he leaned over from his seat to get a look at the baby.

"Just drive!" Ethan yelled.

Cal quickly turned back around and started up the car, pressing his foot down hard on the accelerator and speeding away down the street.

"It's okay Tobi, luckily your awful excuse of a mother left you on the doorstep of two doctors" Ethan smiled as he took hold of the baby's hand once more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello everyone, here is today's update. I'm so happy you are enjoying so far, thank you for the review you left on the first chapter, they mean a lot! I hope you enjoy this chapter just as much, I thought I'd get one up today as I'm not sure when the next time I'll have some free time to post the next chapter will be, I'll try to get it up soon though. Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter Two

Ethan rushed through reception with Tobi's car seat, Cal followed closely behind. Ethan looked around for an empty room and found the small RESUS room free. He burst through the doors and placed the car seat down on the bed, "Get her out on the bed in here, I'll just get my scrubs on and be in in a minute okay?" He told Cal who looked at him worryingly.  
"You're leaving me alone with her?" he asked.  
"She's your daughter Caleb" Ethan spoke firmly and left the pair to be alone.  
"Right" he nodded and looked down at the baby who looked up at him wondrously with her big blue eyes, "umm" he mumbled as he thought, "Let's get you out that seat shall we?" He forced out a smile as he unbuckled her, he spread out her pink blanket across the bed. He held her up in front of him, this was the first time he'd touched her, the first time he'd actually gotten a proper chance to lay his eyes upon her. "Hi" he spoke awkwardly as he held her, she let out a squeal and then pulled a facial expression to which if an adult would pull would mean 'you really have no idea what you're doing, do you?' it was almost as if she knew that was in fact, true. "Don't give me that look I'm new to this" Cal replied, Tobi let out a giggle in reply, Cal felt his heart warm within him as he heard it, "was that funny?" he grinned as he watched her admiringly but then his smile quickly dropped again, "Yeah...I can't really see the funny side to this to be honest, I bet your mummy is laughing though isn't she?" he sighed. Tobi continued to wriggle around in his hands, kicking her tiny feet about aimlessly, "You _are_ cute I'll give you that..." he admitted with a smile he paused for a moment completely captured by the baby's gaze.  
"There's no way you're mine though, I couldn't have made you..." he shook his head and lay her down gently on the bed as he thought. Suddenly realisation grew over him he leaned over to look through the draws in the room, still keeping one hand on the baby so she didn't fall from the bed as she wriggled, "bingo!" he smiled as he pulled a packet out of one of the draws. He opened it up, inside there were two swabs, and two sterilised plastic bags, "this'll do for now eh?" he smiled as he leaned over little Tobi, "Open up" he whispered as he gently pulled down her chin, he rubbed the swab along the inside of her cheek and then placed it inside one of the bags. She let out a small wail "Shh it's okay, don't cry, look ill do it too yeah? See it's fine" Cal spoke softly as he did the same with the other swab, Tobi chuckled as she watched him.

"Caleb!" Ethan shouted from the doorway causing the pair to jump.  
"What?" Cal shrugged as he wrapped up both of the bags and placed them in his back pocket.  
"Seriously? You're doing a DNA test on her?" Ethan asked stunned.  
"A random baby is placed on my doorstep and you just expect me to take it in as if it's my own without question? Me and Taylor, we, we were safe, I don't understand how she could be mine-" Ethan cut him off.  
"Contraception doesn't always work Cal; you're a doctor for God sake act like one!" he roared angrily.  
"Well I'll know the truth now won't I?" Cal shouted back.  
"Unbelievable, like she hasn't got enough going on already Caleb without you sticking swabs in her mouth she's ill- really ill! Now move" Ethan spat out as he pushed passed his brother to take a look at the baby. He crouched over so he could get a closer look at her; Cal stepped back and watched on.  
"Hello little Tobi remember me?" Ethan smiled, Tobi giggled as she looked up at him, still kicking her legs about as she lay back on the bed, "right I'm just going to put this in your ear to check your temperature, we'll soon get to the bottom of what's wrong don't worry" he spoke sympathetically, "oh you're such a good girl Tobi, I wish most adult patients were this well behaved as you my job would be much simpler" he praised with a smile.  
"38C, she's got a fever" he announced with a sigh. Cal watched on anxiously as he fiddled with the corner of the pink blanket which she lay on.  
"Right let's look under this baby grow shall we?" he spoke as he unbuttoned it, "is that okay?" he asked Cal, as a doctor when treating children it was always protocol to ask permission from the parents before removing any clothing. Cal shrugged awkwardly in reply.  
Ethan rolled his eyes and looked back down at the baby, "I'll take that as a yes" he huffed as he gently pulled off her clothes to inspect her.  
"Right Tobi, it looks like you haven't got a rash anywhere so we might have caught this early" he spoke as he continued to examine her skin, "It does look a bit blotchy though, it's hard because we don't know what's normal for you do we?" He sighed, "Hmm right let's put that down to a symptom to be on the safe side" he decided.  
He then turned to look at Cal, "Her hands and feet are still cold, she's got a fever, she's still shivering, grunting, she has blotchy skin, she's breathing fast-" he cut him off.  
"Meningitis" he announced as he looked down at the baby, worry clearly evident in his voice.  
"Okay we don't know for sure yet, we'll get someone to look her over properly, get her a definite diagnosis" Ethan tried to reassure him.  
"Blood tests, CT scans, lumbar puncture...Ethan she's only a baby, a tiny little baby, I can't put her through all that" Cal protested protectively.  
"Oh so now you care?" Ethan spat out without much thought, "Sorry that was uncalled for- at least this way we'll know what's really wrong okay? You know this is for the best Cal" He placed a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder.  
Cal looked down at the baby and let out a slight smile, "It's okay Tobi, if you're a kid of mine then you've got a good fight in you right?" he took hold of her tiny hand; it seemed to get lost in Cal's.

"What's going on in here?" Zoe called as she burst through the door. Ethan and Cal exchanged glances, Cal then held down his head. Ethan spoke out, "Um, this is Tobi, I think she may have meningitis, she has all the symptoms-" Zoe cut him off.

"Right well we'll send her up to paediatrics, Ethan you're needed in cubicles and Cal- you're not even in today?" Zoe questioned.

Ethan shot another glance at Cal and then back to Zoe, "I don't think we have much time Zoe, she's really ill, can we not start the tests down here whilst we wait for the go ahead from paediatrics?" he pleaded.

Zoe looked at him confused. Cal looked up and sighed, "Please Zoe?" he joined in with his brother's pleading.

"This is a medical emergency and the last time I checked this is the emergency department" Ethan spoke out defensively.

Zoe walked over to take a look at the baby. Tobi looked up her wondrously; this wondrous gaze caused a smile to spread anyone's face instantly. "Oh aren't you lovely?" Zoe smiled down at her. "Right come on then, get her into the big RESUS room, this one is needed" she replied. Cal and Ethan let out a sigh of relief, Ethan cradled little Tobi in his arms as he hurried her through to the next room and lay her down on a free bed where he and Zoe began to check her over once more. Cal stood at the foot of the bed watching on, biting his nails anxiously.

"Charlie can you help me out on this one?" she asked, Charlie walked over to the baby and of course, smiled instantly as everyone did when they laid eyes on her.

"Right Ethan you're right about the symptoms" Zoe announced as she pressed her stethoscope against Tobi's small chest.

"Have we any idea who she belongs to?" Charlie asked as he looked around him for any signs of anxiously awaiting parents.

Ethan looked up at Cal who had his eyes fixed on the baby, still biting his nails in worry.

"Me apparently" Cal replied causing the room to fall silent.

"What? Seriously?" Robyn called from across the room where she was working.  
"Yep she was left on our doorstep with a note from Taylor saying she's mine" Cal replied, still watching over the baby carefully.  
"Taylor?! I thought she got arrested!" Robyn spat out.  
Cal just shrugged in reply, that was only one of the many many things that he didn't understand about this entire ordeal.

"Right Ethan you can't treat her" Zoe announced as she brushed passed him to get a better look at the baby.

"What? But Zoe-" she cut his pleading off.  
"She's your niece and you're needed in cubicles now leave" She ordered firmly. Ethan felt a sudden rush of helplessness overpower him; he looked toward Cal and then slowly made his way out of the room to cubicles.

Cal traced the steps his brother had just walked out of the room and looked in through the door at the tiny baby getting examined by his colleagues.

"What are you doing Cal? Get in there, that baby needs you" Robyn spat out as she rushed passed him.  
"Are you okay?" Charlie asked sincerely as he came and stood beside him, him too looking through at Tobi.  
"I'm not cut out to be a dad Charlie" Cal whispered still with his eyes fixed on the baby.  
"Let's think about that later okay? Robyn is right Caleb, Tobi needs you" Charlie replied as he placed his hand on his back in comfort.

Cal pulled out the DNA tests from his back pocket and handed them to Charlie who looked down at them surprised.

"Please Charlie" He whimpered.  
He looked at it for a moment before he looked back up at Cal and nodded slightly, "...okay" he whispered, "okay."

Cal took in a deep breath and walked back into the room with Charlie. He stood in the same position as he did previously, at the foot of Tobi's bed watching on in worry as the examination continued, except this time he was alone, his brother wasn't by his side. A nurse held an oxygen mask over Tobi's face. It all felt so wrong...


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello everyone, here is then next update, Cal is faced with fight or flight, I hope you enjoy. Please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter three

Tobi had blood tests carried out on her and had been booked in for a CT scan; the only thing left do to now was the lumbar puncture. Cal was still stood at the foot of the bed watching on with terrified eyes.  
Word had spread about Cal having a daughter around the ED quickly, as expected, however, the also much expected jokes about him not being up for being a father or how he should've been more 'careful' and 'protected' in bed with Taylor had not crossed anyone's mind once as they discovered how poorly tiny Tobi was, instead they all silently hoped and prayed for her to pull through as they spent the day working, whether Cal was going to be there to be her father or not – she _had_ to pull through.

"Do you want me to see if I can get up her records?" Robyn asked as she held stroked Tobi's head, Zoe nodded, "Tobi Knight - What a cute name" she smiled, Cal shot a snarl at her, "sorry" she muttered and left the room quickly. She entered a few minutes later, "here they are" she smiled as she handed them to Zoe "Tobi Ashbie" she concluded Cal suddenly found the ground interesting..."no wonder she's so ill she hasn't had any of her immunisations" Zoe shook her head angrily as she read her notes.

"Right Cal, paediatrics are taking too long and so I think best to do the spinal tab down here, to save us time" Zoe explained, Cal nodded understandingly in reply still with his eyes fixed on Tobi. Ethan appeared in the room and gave Cal a slight smile of reassurance.  
Zoe looked up and gave him daggers thinking he wanted to assist with the procedure, she had already sent him out earlier this morning. He couldn't assist; Tobi was his niece, "I'm on my break" he announced to her as he stood beside Cal at the foot of Tobi's bed.  
"Right, everything's ready, are you okay Cal?" Zoe asked.  
Cal sighed impatiently, "Yes I'm fine just do it" he urged.  
"It takes time Caleb, you know this" Charlie replied softly.  
"I know" Cal held his head down.  
"Have you considered sedation?" Zoe asked as she pulled on her gloves.  
"No, no way you're not sedating her" Cal protested protectively.  
"It'll save her from any distress" Zoe added.  
"No, sedation won't be necessary" He stood his ground.  
"Um, if my opinion means anything here I agree with Caleb" Ethan spoke out awkwardly, Cal shot a smile of gratitude toward his younger brother.  
"Right okay then, let's begin, Ethan could you keep an eye on her monitor please?" Zoe smiled, Ethan took in a deep breath and nodded in reply, he hoped there wouldn't be any need to watch the baby's monitor.  
"Come and hold her hand Caleb" Charlie suggested as he gently turned Tobi so she was lying on her left side.  
Cal shook his head still with his eyes fixed on the baby, "I'll be okay watching from here thanks" he replied.  
"She needs you" Charlie urged.  
"No she's strong, she'll be fine" Cal protested.  
Zoe and Charlie exchanged awkward glances, Ethan gave them a look to say 'it's best to just start', he knew it was no use trying persuade his older brother into doing something he didn't want to do, if they pushed any further he probably would leave the room, it's a miracle he'd stayed this long.  
"Okay" Charlie smiled understandingly.

"Right I'm going to inject her with the anaesthetic, the pinch from the needle may cause her some distress, just a heads up" Zoe informed Cal.  
Cal took in a shaky deep breath as he watched Zoe plunge the needle into the base of his daughter's spine. The second the needle pierced her skin the sound of Tobi's painful cry echoed around the room. Cal was at Tobi's side instantly, kneeled down before her and holding her hand.  
"Shh Tobes, don't cry, I'm here, it's okay I'm here" he whispered as he rested his chin on the bed in front of her. Just seeing him caused Tobi's crying to stop and instead; she smiled.  
Ethan watched his older brother interacting with his daughter with a proud smile gracing his face.  
"I'm starting the spinal tab now" Zoe informed all surrounding her.  
"That's it Tobi, you're so brave, do you know that? So so brave for such a little girl" Cal smiled trying to save himself from crying, "you're braver than I am- braver than I'll ever be to be honest" he admitted, Tobi continued to smile up at him wondrously, "you're so happy constantly, what's your secret eh?" he joked, she let out a giggle which caused the entire room to chuckle slightly, her giggle was right on cue. Suddenly Tobi's smile dropped and as little colour that she had drained from her face.  
"She's stopped smiling, Charlie why has she stopped smiling?" Cal asked in worry, Charlie looked toward Zoe confused, "She's gone all droopy Charlie, what's happening to her?" Cal continued as he still held Tobi's tiny weak hand.  
"Ethan can you check on her monitor please?" Zoe asked but Ethan was far too caught up in what was happening to his niece, he watched on in horror. "Ethan!" Zoe yelled snapping him back into the room.  
He frantically looked up at Tobi's monitor, "Um, BP dropping...she's- she's tachycardic" he stuttered reluctantly, he then looked back down at the baby whose life was slipping away right before his eyes.  
"What?! Tobi no don't do this" Cal yelled as tears built up in his eyes.  
"Right I think I've got enough fluid to go off we'll stop here and patch her up" Zoe announced as she removed the needle from Tobi's back.  
"She's in VF" Ethan announced.  
"Right scratch the patch up we need to start CPR" Zoe ordered as she and Charlie gently laid Tobi's limp body flat on her back.  
"Tobi! Tobi come on you're so strong you can't die! You can't die on me don't you dare" Cal roared as he desperately tried to get to his daughter, Charlie blocked him from reaching her.  
"Someone get him out of here please" Zoe ordered as she began to press down on Tobi's tiny chest with two fingers.  
Ethan quickly pushed Cal out of the room, neither of them really wanted to witness this.  
"Cal..." Ethan started but he cut him off.  
"She can't die Ethan she can't" Cal yelled as the turned to face Ethan, tears now traced his cheeks.  
"It's okay" Ethan tried to reassure his brother though he couldn't even convince himself.  
"I can't do this Ethan, I can't be a dad, I can't handle this" Cal whimpered as he held his head in his hands.  
"That baby needs you" Ethan replied firmly as he pointed back into the room they had both just left the tiny baby fighting for her life.  
"I need to get out- I need to get out of here now" Cal shook his head as he looked over Ethan's shoulder at Zoe still pressing down on Tobi's chest  
"What about Tobi? You're just going to give up on her just like that?! Caleb she needs you" Ethan shouted back in shock.  
"I can't do this Ethan" Cal whispered, he then turned and head away from the room.  
"Where are you going?!" Ethan sighed, "Caleb!" He yelled as his brother continued to walk away.

Cal sat in his car gripping hold of the steering wheel and staring ahead of him, still crying. His initial plan was to drive, anywhere quickly and far away...but the second he got inside of the car, he couldn't seem to get any further; he couldn't even bring himself to put the key in the ignition. He heard someone get in the car and sit in the passenger's seat beside him but he couldn't even bring himself to turn to see who it was, he figured it would probably be Ethan though.

"She's dead isn't she?" he whimpered still with his eyes staring ahead of him.

"Of course not, you said it yourself – she's an incredibly strong little girl" Charlie's voice replied.

He turned to face him in shock, "she pulled through?" he asked as a tear trickled down his cheek.

"Yep, once we're happy she's fully stable again we'll send her up to have her CT" Charlie replied.

Cal let out a sigh of relief and turned so he was looking ahead of him once more.

"She needs you Caleb" Charlie spoke out.

"Yeah people keep saying" Cal scoffed as more tears escaped his eyes.

"That's because it's true" Charlie replied, Cal shook his head.

"I can't be a dad Charlie" He whimpered.

"Of course you can. Do you honestly think anyone ever feels ready to become a dad Cal? God when I found out about Louis I cried, I never thought I could've been a dad, but I did it, he was fine before he went off the rails...but that initial fear is in everyone Caleb, being a father is naturally in every man it just takes some searching for and getting used to. I saw you then with Tobi, holding her hand and talking to her- that is exactly what any father would have done. It's in you Caleb." Charlie explained, "So what was the plan?" Charlie asked as he looked around the car.

"The plan?" Cal asked as he wiped away his tears, "The only plan I have in mind is that I run and I hide because _that's_ what's in me Charlie. That's all that's ever been in me" Cal sighed as he turned to look at the older man.

"You found your daughter on your doorstep this morning, brought her to hospital, stuck by her through everything...when exactly where you planning on running and hiding? Even when I came out here just now you didn't look in any rush to run and hide to me?" Charlie noted as Cal shot a glance towards him "All I'm saying is your only plan is to run and hide? Well...you haven't yet! Maybe that's not your only plan" He shrugged.

Cal sighed deeply and held his head in his hands, "I'm scared Charlie, that baby, she- she's a tiny person...a person who is fully reliant on me for absolutely everything, if I mess one minor thing up then I've messed it up for her too, and I tend to mess a lot of things up. I'm not ready for that amount of responsibility...I don't think I'll ever be" He admitted as tears built up in his eyes once more.

"I know its scary Cal, of course it is! But I know you can do it, I know you have it in you and so does everyone else, you wouldn't have to go through this alone, you have Ethan and friends and colleagues who would all support you through this, every step of the way" Charlie explained. Cal stayed silent.  
"Are you going to go back in there?" Charlie asked cutting to the point.  
Cal hesitated for a moment before he slowly shook his head, tears leaving stains on his cheeks as he did so.  
"Right okay, I'll call social services" Charlie announced, Cal nodded slowly.  
"She's going to spend her life in care telling stories about the parents who never wanted her, the dad who was never there for her..." Charlie stated sadly, "I'm guessing your dad was good? You and Ethan seem to have been brought up well" Charlie asked.  
"Don't bring my dad into this." Cal snapped angrily, "he was the biggest waste of space I've ever known" he wiped away his tears.  
"Okay, well I'll leave you with this- do you want Tobi feeling the same way you feel about your dad with you?" Charlie asked, though the question was rhetorical. He then left the car and went back to work leaving Cal to make the biggest decision he had been faced with in his life...whether to run and hide or stay and fight.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello everyone! Sorry for not updating for a while, busy busy busy... Anyways here is the next chapter, and also the part I've decided to make my own and veer off the trailer slightly and probably the reality of how it will eventually play out on screen but that's the fun in fiction right? I actually have two alterative endings to this story which I couldn't decide between and so after this (more dramatic) ending is finished I will also post my alternative (less but still quite dramatic) ending too. I hope you enjoy, please let me know your thoughts, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

* * *

That's what's in me – Chapter four

Zoe was now happy that Tobi was stable enough to go for her CT scan. Lofty placed sleeping Tobi on the table of the scanner and watched until she was inside, he then went to wait in the room outside where Ethan stood anxiously looking through the window.

"Is Cal coming up?" Lofty asked as he stood beside Ethan with his hands in his pockets.

"I doubt it" Ethan replied still with his eyes fixed on Tobi.

"What are you going to do about the baby?" Lofty asked awkwardly.

"I don't know, she needs a dad and I don't think he's up to it..." Ethan sighed sorrowfully.

"Social services?" Lofty asked knowingly.

"I suppose that will be the only option yes, but I don't want to put her through that whilst she's still ill, if needs be I'll act as a temporary father figure for now" Ethan replied responsibly.

"It'll be harder giving her up once you fall in love with her though" Lofty stated.

"I know that but it's a risk I'm willing to take" Ethan replied as he looked at Tobi's monitor.

"Maybe it will make Cal see that he wants to be a dad" Lofty shrugged.

"I doubt Cal will ever be ready to be a dad, he doesn't care about anyone else but himself" Ethan shook his head angrily.

"That's a bit harsh" Lofty spoke out surprised.

"You don't know Cal how I know Cal Lofty" Ethan replied as he looked up over his glasses at him.

* * *

Ethan was now stood beside Tobi's tiny bed in paediatrics reading through her notes. Her scan had come back clear and the fluid from the spinal tab did too; she was going to be fine. She lay on her back kicking her legs about and scanning every inch of the room warily with her eyes as she cooed away, it was like nothing had ever happened.

"Unbelievable" Ethan shook his head in amazement as he looked down at the baby, "You're so alert, a few hours ago we nearly lost you...It's like you haven't got a care in the word" he chuckled as he held her hand, "though, I suppose that's true- you are a baby after all" he smiled. Tobi continued to look around her as if she were searching for something, "He's not here, he's done the one thing he knows how to do perfectly – ran and hid and left me to pick up the pieces again as always" he sighed. The baby let out a squeal which snapped him out of his thoughts, "I don't mind though, we do okay together don't we little Tobi?" he grinned, the baby smiled up at him, "I never thought I'd be an uncle, I'm enjoying it so far, though I suppose I'll regret saying that once I'm left cleaning all the dirty nappies as part of my 'Uncle duties', famous last words" he chuckled. There was a knock at the door; both Ethan's and Tobi's head turned to see who it was.

It was Charlie, he walked over to get a look at the baby; she let out a giggle as she saw him. "Wow you've recovered quickly little one" he spoke out impressed. Ethan smiled proudly as he watched on.

"Has Cal come back?" Charlie asked.

Ethan's smile quickly dropped and he fixed his eyes on the ground, "No" he sighed.

Disappointment was so evidently present on the older man's face, "Do you think you'll be seeing him soon?" he asked.

"Yes he'll probably stagger in about 2 in the morning with some random girl who seems to have found herself surgically attached to his lips, as always" Ethan rolled his eyes.

"Right..." Charlie sighed, "Well can you give him these, they're his DNA results" He handed Ethan an envelope and left him alone to be with his niece once more.

Ethan looked down at the envelope, still quite shocked at the fact his brother would even think to do a DNA test on such a poorly baby in the first place. He looked at Tobi who watched his every move "I suppose these results mean nothing to him anyway, it looks as though he's not going to be a dad either way...it'll be okay for me to open it won't it?" he spoke to the baby and then opened up the envelope. He felt his heart completely shatter as he read the word 'Negative' at the top, "What?" he spat out as he fixed his glasses on his face hoping it would just be his eyes tricking him into seeing something different on the paper, "surely not..." he shook his head as he stared at the paper, he just couldn't take this in; Cal wasn't Tobi's father. Tobi let out a wail which seemed to startle Ethan, "Shh Tobi" he spat out in fright as he thought. He looked up at the door and spotted Charlie walking passed, "Charlie!" he called as he hurried after him down the hall.

"Everything okay?" Charlie asked as Ethan caught up to him.

"These results" Ethan spoke out breathlessly as he held them up, "do you think there could be some sort of mistake with them somehow? Maybe the fact she was ill when the test was carried out could have tempered with the results?" he suggested.

Charlie looked at him confused "It's very unlikely" he replied, "what's wrong with them?" he asked warily.

"Nothing" Ethan replied as he shoved them into the pocket of his scrubs, "it's nothing" he forced out a smile and rushed back to Tobi's room leaving Charlie stood in the hallway in complete confusion.

He walked in and slowly closed the door behind him, he took in a deep breath and turned to face Tobi but he found she wasn't alone.

"Cal, you're back!" He called in shock as he saw his older brother smiling down at the baby, "why did you come back?" He asked, still frozen by the door.

"Because she needs her daddy" Cal replied as he continued to smile down at the baby.

Ethan was speechless, "Where did you go?" He managed to ask.

"Shopping" Cal replied, his eyes completely captured by Tobi's wondrous gaze.

"Sorry?" Ethan asked confused, did he seriously just hear his brother correctly?

"Well, I figured this one will be moving in once she's discharged so she's going to need a few things, yes that's right Tobes I've been doing some shopping for you, yes I have" he grinned as he tickled her causing her to giggle uncontrollably.

"What did you get?" Ethan asked in dread.

"Well apparently everything I picked out proved I had no fashion sense whatsoever so a lady helped me pick out some new clothes, I got some nappies and milk formula and toys, I've also ordered a cot for her and a pram, the lady suggested a pink one but there's no way I'm walking around with a bright pink pram that's where I draw the line...oh and I got her one of those walker things but the lady said I'll regret teaching her how to walk early because she'll be all over the place" he explained to his younger brother who watched him warily.

"Oh right" Ethan replied awkwardly.

"But honestly Ethan, I'm excited" Cal admitted. Ethan's jaw dropped he couldn't find any words, all this time he thought his older brother had been the coward yet again and ran away when life got hard but instead he'd been responsible for what seems like the first time ever though now, it was hard to watch.

"I think I was mixing fear up for excitement" Cal added as he leaned over the baby once more and took hold of her hand, "she's going to be my little best friend...isn't that right Tobes? Oh you're definitely going to be a little daddy's girl aren't you?" He laughed.

Ethan had to look away in fear his brother would notice the glimmer of tears in his eyes, this was too hard to watch "Zoe needs to talk to you" he spat out.

"What? Now?" Cal asked.

"Yes" Ethan replied.

"I've only just came up to see Tobi surely it can wait a while, can't it Tobes?" He tickled the baby once more.

"It won't take long" Ethan urged.

"Ugh fine" Cal sighed and looked back down at the baby once more, "I'll be back before you know it okay?" He whispered as he leaned over and gently pressed his lips against Tobi's forehead, "once you've been discharged you'll be sick of me I swear, I'll never leave you again Tobi, even if it is just to go shopping for you, you'll be coming with me" he smiled and left.

Ethan slowly made his way back over to Tobi's bedside, he couldn't bring himself to look at her just yet, instead he looked down as if he were reading her notes but only he knew he was trying to hide the tears in his eyes.

"Who knew one tiny person would change him so drastically?" He whispered as he tried to hold back his tears, Tobi was being unusually quiet, "I've never seen him act so, so mature...you're the best thing to ever happen to him and yet you're not even his" He looked up toward the ceiling to attempt to stop his tears from falling. Tobi let out a squeal as she kicked her legs about, he finally looked down at her and she gave him a smile as their eyes met which he returned though his tears now escaped his eyes, "oh Tobi who's your real daddy eh? Your real Uncle?" He whimpered, he looked up at Cal through the window he was stood outside talking to Zoe "he doesn't have to know, right?" He whispered, "What's the harm in him not knowing? He probably loves you more than your real dad ever could, what type of person leaves a tiny little baby on a doorstep?" He lifted up his glasses and wiped the tears from his eyes "oh who am I kidding? It's wrong, we can't keep you..." Tears traced his cheeks once more, "but if he never did the DNA test he wouldn't have known anyway? I could just act like I don't know- if it comes to it we have the letter Taylor left, we could use that as evidence to the police" Tobi let out her cute little giggle as she looked at him wondrously. He was then suddenly hit by the image of his brother having to be pried away from whom he thinks is his daughter, who he is excited to start a life with, who he was decided to change his entire life for, for that moment to be the last time he hears her cute little giggle or sees her wondrous gaze and that image made him completely break down "oh Tobi" he sighed as he rested his head against her bed beside her and sobbed, she tugged at his hair with her tiny fingers as he cried, he just felt so lost and torn between the right and wrong...what was he to do?

"Nibbles?" He heard his brother's voice speak out. He looked up suddenly from where he previously sobbed to find Cal stood in the doorway, behind him Zoe and Charlie awkwardly looking at him from over Cal's shoulder.

"What's up?" Cal asked surprised as to why he had walked in on his younger brother sobbing so heart achingly.

"Nothing" Ethan whimpered as he tried to compose himself but he just couldn't, he let out a shaky sigh, pulled off his glasses and held his head in his hands as he continued to cry.

"Seriously Ethan what's gotten into you?" He asked in concern as he put his arm around him. He slowly raised his head from out of his hands and opened his mouth to speak, he didn't know what he was going to say but luckily he didn't have to as Zoe cut him off.

"It's been a long and tiring day" she stated sympathetically.

Ethan nodded as he was yet again reduced to tears.

Cal exchanged confused glances with Zoe and Charlie before he looked back down at his younger brother who was practically crumbling in his arms. "Hey Eth look, come and see Tobes, she'll make you smile that's her specialty" Cal suggested as he guided his brother to the baby's bedside once more, "Tobi come on, you can make your Uncle Ethan happy again" he held the baby's hand and smiled.

Ethan finally lifted his head out of his hands. He took one look at the baby and had to look away, "Excuse me I, I have to-" he stuttered and hurried out of the room as quickly as he could.

Charlie followed him out of the room and down the corridor, "Ethan!" Charlie called as he caught up to him, "wait" he ordered as he stood in his way, "those DNA results..." He began; Ethan looked at him in dread, "is Cal not Tobi's dad?" He asked.

Ethan crumbled into the elder man's arms "I don't know what to do Charlie, I just don't know what to do" he sobbed into his shoulder.

"God I've had both you boys crying to me today" he joked lightly, "here" he smiled and handed Ethan a tissue which he used to dry his eyes, "you have to do the right thing Ethan" Charlie spoke softly.

"And what's that? If I tell him the truth I break his heart and if I lie then he'll be bringing up a kid that's not even his..." Ethan argued, "I don't want to lose him Charlie" he whimpered.

"Okay" Charlie replied understandingly, "okay" he repeated once more as he patted Ethan's back, "we have to think what is the right thing to do right at this moment? That little girl hasn't got any parents, Cal's ex obviously didn't want her and Cal is willing to be there for her" Charlie stated.

"Honestly? I think Tobi needs Cal as much as Cal needs Tobi..." Ethan replied.

"Well then there's your answer...for now" Charlie smiled, "we'll keep it our secret until you're ready, until you all are okay?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everyone, here's today's update. Just a bit of a crappy fill in chapter before the good stuff comes, hope you enjoy it anyways, contains Cal and Tobi fluff. Will Ethan do the right thing and tell Cal the truth? Please let me know your thoughts, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

* * *

That's what's in me - Chapter five

Ethan watched from outside Tobi's room where both Cal and the baby had fallen asleep. He fidgeted with the results of Cal's DNA test in the pocket of his scrubs as he anxiously watched on. He knew what the right thing to do was, but the amount of strength it took to carry out that right thing was unbelievable.

Charlie appeared beside him and looked on through the window, "Ethan, you really need to tell Cal about Tobi-"

Ethan cut him off, "It's okay, I've got a plan" He grinned, Charlie looked toward him impressed, "I just have to hunt down Taylor somehow..." Ethan added as he turned back to the room.

Charlie sighed deeply; he thought Ethan had finally seen sense, "Hunt down the con artist? You make that sound simple!" He joked.

Ethan looked down, "I know, I know it'll take time but-"

The older man cut him off, "But in that time Cal is falling more and more in love with a child that isn't his, it's not fair Ethan, he'll find out eventually it's best to just tell him now before he gets in too deep" Charlie protested.

"He hasn't even asked for his results though Charlie it's like he's forgotten about the DNA test all together" Ethan attempted to reason.

"That doesn't make it right Ethan" Charlie continued his argument.

"I know..." Ethan sighed and smiled at Charlie gratefully, he'd finally seen sense, what he was doing was wrong; Cal had to know the truth no matter how much he enjoyed the mature side to his brother or how much he enjoyed having a niece, this wasn't right.

He quietly made his way inside and took a look at his brother who slumped down in the chair beside Tobi's bed, he then looked towards Tobi, he watched as her small chest rose and fell as she took her breaths. He himself took in a deep breath and pulled out the envelope containing his brother's DNA test results. He leaned over Cal to place it on the table beside his chair but just as he reached it the door opened suddenly, startling him in out of his silent and slow mode he had created.

"Sorry I'm just here to check on the baby" a nurse smiled as she noticed Ethan practically jump from his skin.

"I was just doing the same" he lied.

"Looks like they're both worn out" she smiled as motioned towards both Cal and Tobi as she read the baby's notes, "it's understandable, I must've been an extremely long day" she added.

"Yes" Ethan agreed awkwardly.

"Same for you too, it must be quite shocking finding out you're an uncle just like that" she stated.

"Yes it was...will you excuse me? I must get back to work now or else Mrs Beauchamp will have my guts for garters, I'll leave you to finish off here" he forced out a smile and left, taking the envelope with him.

* * *

Cal jumped awake when he heard the sound of a baby's cry piercing around the room. It took him a few seconds for reality to kick in but it all came back to him soon enough, "Tobi" He mumbled as he stood up beside the sobbing child and awkwardly looked around for a solution to her upset.  
"What's up Tobes?" He asked as he looked at her monitor, everything seemed normal there.  
"Do you need your nappy changing?" He asked, secretly hoping it wasn't that, he'd never changed a nappy before...  
"Oh Tobi what's up?" he asked again as she continued to sob, gasping for air through each distressed whine, "ugh I'm no good at this..." he sighed deeply as he leaned over her and held his head in his hands.

He then decided to think as a doctor, this being his patient, children need human contact, affection, love...he picked her up and cradled her in his arms with her pink blanket wrapped around her, gently rocked her side to side, though tears still traced her cheeks.  
He looked to the table beside the chair he had just been sleeping in and saw a bottle filled with milk, realisation grew over him suddenly. "Are you hungry Tobes?" He asked as he picked it up and held it to her mouth, she latched onto it instantly. "Of course you are" Cal grinned as he continued to rock her side to side. "There you go Tobes, Shh it's okay, it's okay" he whispered softly as her crying slowed.

He listened to the sound of her suckling on the teat of the bottle, the noise was almost therapeutic. He smiled down at her wondrously, his eyes completely captured by the tired heavy eyes of the baby he cradled in his arms, slipping in and out of sleep as she sucked away at the bottle. He had never known a moment so amazing before, this to him, was his child, his creation, and how wonderful she was...if only he knew.

"I heard there was a baby about" a voice whispered which snapped him from his thoughts. He looked up and Dixie walked over to him with an excited grin on her face.

"Oh Cal she's gorgeous" she stated as she looked down at the baby.

"I know" he smiled proudly at little Tobi.

"Obviously takes after her daddy" she winked causing Cal to chuckle.

"Obviously" he spoke sarcastically.

"Oh that's my favourite sound in the world listen..." She paused as she too listened to the sound of Tobi drinking her milk; "it's such a lovely little sound" she smiled as she gently stroked Tobi's cheek with her finger. "You're going to be fine kid, your daddy is a great man, and if he ever needs a babysitter he knows where to find one, I think we'd get on just fine won't we eh little Tobi?" She smiled.

"Thanks Dixie" Cal replied gratefully.

"Do you know how to wind her?" Dixie asked.

"Um, I've seen people do it before but I've never tried it, obviously" Cal replied, "how hard can it be?" he asked in amusement.

"The only way you learn how to drive a car, is actually driving the car...it's the same with babies, you don't know how to handle one until you've actually handled one, except it's even harder because you don't have any exams or tests or even lessons at that, you're just given a person and left to bring it up" She laughed in reply as he gently pulled Cal's shoulders down, he hadn't noticed they were hunched up, just relaxing his tensed shoulders seemed to cause Tobi to relax too. It was then when he realised just how much there was to babies that he didn't know about, that he didn't understand, that he would never have even thought about until now.

"Come on, I'll teach you" Dixie smiled as she led him towards the chair, he sat down with Tobi in his arms, "what do know about babies?" she asked.

"Heart rate should be between 110-160 beats per minute, respiratory rate should be around 30-40 breaths per minute, systolic pressure should be about 70-90..." His voice trailed off as he noticed a knowing smile grow across Dixie's face.

"I mean the normal stuff...stuff that parents would know" she chuckled.

"Oh, well, then not a lot" He admitted.

"How to change a nappy?" she asked, he shook his head, "How to make up a bottle?" he shook his head once more, "how to bathe her?" she asked.

"Can it all really be that hard?" he shrugged.

"Believe me, it's hard, and it's going to be harder alone. You're a single parent now Cal, and I know you've got Ethan and other people there to help you but she's yours, I'm sure Ethan will help around but when you're both on the early shift and she's screaming the house down in the middle of the night just because she misses you it's defiantly going to test your patience" Dixie explained as she took the bottle from the baby and helped Cal sit her up so she could teach him how to wind her.

"You know a lot about babies" Cal spoke out impressed.

"I love kids, I was actually a teaching assistant for a while before I became a paramedic you know" She informed him as he gently rubbed circles on Tobi's bare back, whilst he held her chin up with the other hand.

"I think you'd make a great mum, you should adopt" he stated.

"I've been looking into it but it takes time, Little Abs will do for now" she replied. The pair laughed as Tobi let out a burp "...I might just rob this little one instead, she's gorgeous" she grinned as Tobi looked up at her wondrously with widened eyes, "you're going to make a great dad Caleb, if you ever need any help with anything _at all_ you know where to find me" Dixie smiled and left Cal to be alone with Tobi once more.

* * *

Hours had passed and the doctors and nurses in paediatrics were happy that Tobi was stable enough to go home, plus knowing she would be in the reliable hands of two doctors also helped towards her being discharged. Cal hadn't left her side once and actually surprised himself when he realised just how excited he was to get her home. He was stood beside Tobi's bed, having just re-packed her bag ready to leave, he now just had to get her dressed and wait for Ethan to finish his shift and they could leave.

"Ah you're finally awake" Ethan spoke out as he walked into the room.

"Ah you've finally stopped crying" Cal replied sarcastically, Ethan held his head down, "seriously Ethan what was up earlier? I haven't seen you cry like that for years" Cal added in concern.

Ethan hesitated for a moment before he decided it was time; he took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak...just as the door opened and in walked Lofty and Jacob, Ethan awkwardly picked up Tobi's notes and began to read.

"Hey we've come to get a look at the new addition to the ED family before she's discharged" Jacob spoke as he and Lofty stood either side of Cal at Tobi's bedside.

"Ah she's awesome, congrats buddy" Jacob smiled as he shook Cal's hand.

"I second that, I knew you had it in you to be a dad Cal" Lofty smiled.

"Thanks, everyone seems to have more faith in me that I can do this than I do" Cal replied causing everyone to laugh in reply.

"Right, come on Tobes; let's get you home shall we?" He grinned as he picked her up, she let out a giggle and kicked her legs about as he held her up.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello everyone, Happy Casualty Day! Here is today's update, I was planning on posting two chapters today, I can't promise I will but I'll try we need to get our dose of Ethan and Cal from somewhere right? Two weeks it's been without our favourite brothers! I hope you enjoy this chapter please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

* * *

That's what's in me – Chapter six

It had been a week since Tobi had been discharged. Connie had given Cal the week off to get her settled; things had been going amazingly so far. Cal even found himself looking forward to being woken up in the middle of the night by the baby's cry so he could spend more time with her. Ethan was incredibly proud and impressed with just how well his brother had taken to fatherhood and he too felt some pride when spending time with his "niece" at how good he was at handling her. Tobi was such a wonderful baby, inside and out, meaning to two men who had no clue how to care for a baby had it easy, it was almost as if Tobi knew they were new to the entire ordeal and she should take it easy on them. Cal was just excited for what each new day would bring with his lovely little daughter.

Cal walked through the ED doors carrying Tobi in her car seat and with her baby bag crossed over his body, "Ah the little cutie is back in to see us!" Robyn called excitedly as she spotted Cal appear in reception.

"I'll have you know I'm 6 foot, wouldn't exactly call me little but thanks all the same Robyn" Cal spoke sarcastically with a smirk as he placed Tobi's chair on the reception desk, his colleagues quickly gathered around to coo over the small baby.

"Ah Cal, I found one of Tobi's bottles in my briefcase, I'm not quite sure how it got there..." Ethan explained awkwardly as he stood behind reception with the phone pressed to his ear.

"I wondered where that got to" Cal laughed in reply.

Ethan popped his head over to get a look at the baby "Hello Tobi" he grinned, the baby let out a giggle and kicked her legs about excitedly as she saw him.

"Aw she recognises you, how cute is that?!" Robyn spoke admiringly as she watched how excited the baby got when she saw him.

"Everyone gets that excited when they see me, that's just the effect I have on people" Ethan joked sarcastically still with the phone pressed to his ear. His smile quickly dropped and his face turned red with embarrassment "oh no, um sorry about that, this is Doctor Hardy from Holby City Emergency Department, I was just wondering if you have any notes for my patient?" Ethan spoke suddenly sounding professional down the phone.

"Smooth" Cal joked causing everyone to laugh.

Ethan turned away from his colleagues to continue his conversation, "yes that's right..." his voice disappeared into background noise.

"How's this fatherhood thing doing then Doctor?" Noel asked Cal who watched on proudly as his colleagues fussed over the baby.

"Great" he grinned, "amazing in fact" he corrected himself.

"Great" Noel smiled, "if there's anything you need..." he offered.

"Actually, I'm glad you asked-" he was cut off when Connie's stern voice called out which seemed to startle everyone.

"Doctor Knight - it's nice to have you back gracing the ED with your presence but you can't surely be planning on working whilst having your daughter in?" She asked.

"Why not? You did it all the time?" Cal spoke in Tobi's defence.

"My daughter wasn't a tiny baby who needed someone there to offer constant care and attention" Connie replied.

"Tobi will cause less trouble" Cal mumbled as he tucked in her pink around her. Connie's face reddened before him, he'd obviously touched a nerve which wasn't his intention, "Sorry I didn't mean to bring Grace into things that was wrong of me..." He apologised, "We've planned today out" He added.

"'We'?" Connie asked confused.

"I and Cal will take our breaks and lunch and different times, so she isn't alone" Ethan jumped in to explain as he put the phone down.

"That won't merely get you through the day" Connie replied firmly.

"My shift is nearly over anyway" Ethan added.

"And I won't mind sitting with little Tobi in my breaks too" Robyn butted in.

"Me too" Rita grinned as she stroked Tobi's cheek.

"I'll have a baby sitter by my next shift Connie I promise, this week has just been so hectic-" she cut Cal's pleading off.

"Fine. But this is the one and only time I will allow this to happen Doctor Knight do you understand?" she warned.

"Yes, thank you" he sighed with relief and turned to Tobi once more, "you nearly cost me my job then Tobes" he chuckled as he picked her up and carried her to the staff room, passing Charlie in the process who looked at him in shock, then to Ethan whose smile quickly dropped, he turned and head in the opposite direction. He had promised Charlie he would tell Cal the truth about Tobi, he just hadn't found the time to yet...

* * *

The day went on, Cal hadn't realised just how much he would miss little Tobi until he spent his first day away from her, and she was still in the same building, God forbid he ever has to spend an actual day apart from her, he wouldn't cope.

Ethan's shift, much like the rest of their colleague's was up. "Come on Tobes, let's get you home" Ethan smiled down at the baby who lay next to where he sat on the staffroom couch, "It's nice to have you here in the hospital when you're not ill isn't it?" he began to pack her bag, she cooed away as she scanned the room with widened eyes, "You're amazing do you know that?" he stopped what he was doing to look at her in amazement, "Your daddy has fallen hook line and sinker for you, and so have I if I'm being honest, you know who else would have? Your grandmother, I would have loved her to meet you and see how much you've changed Caleb, she always wanted grandchildren" he stated as he reminisced, he sighed deeply as reality hit in "except she doesn't have any grandchildren does she?" he whispered, "oh what have I done Tobes? I've let this go too far haven't I? There's no way we could let you go now, all those times I put off telling Cal thinking it was for the best it's just worsened the entire thing hasn't it?" he sunk back into the couch and closed his eyes.

"Uncle Duties finally taking their toll on you?" A voice called, he opened his eyes to find Charlie stood at the counter making some coffee, "You look exhausted" he added.

"It's more a mixture of dread and guilt than tiredness if I'm being honest" he replied as he sat up and held his head in his hands.

"Ethan why didn't you tell Cal?" Charlie sighed in disappointment.

"I don't know!" Ethan snapped, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to shout, I just don't know what to do Charlie, how am I possibly meant to make this right now? I haven't been sleeping at night knowing Tobi isn't Cal's...it's haunting my mind thinking of ways I can tell him, ways I can make this right or possibilities of what might happen if I tell him or if I don't, It's driving me insane! I know I should have told him and I'm sorry for not listening to you in the first place but please Charlie, please help, I don't know how to make this right" he pleaded as tears built in his eyes.

"Alright Ethan, it'll be okay" Charlie spoke softly as he made his way over to the younger man and the baby, "How about this? I'll give Cal the DNA results and tell him it's my fault for not getting them to him in the first place, that way you're not in the wrong and he knows the truth" Charlie proposed.

"That would work...oh but Charlie it would break his heart" Ethan sighed deeply.

"The longer we leave it the harder it will be, he needs to know Ethan" Charlie explained, Ethan nodded slowly as he pulled his head from his hands, "Now come on, go and act normal and get little Tobi home, I'll work on telling Caleb" Charlie urged.

Ethan stood up with Tobi and made his way to the door, "Not today Charlie" Ethan pleaded as he turned around to face the older man.

"Ethan, he'll find out eventually" Charlie stated.

"I know" Ethan nodded, "but just not today, please" he whimpered.

"Okay" Charlie promised and Ethan made his way to through to reception.

Just as he reached it he heard his name being called – it was Cal.

"Wait, you can't leave without saying goodbye" He called as he reached them and took the baby from his brother's arms.

"Actually, we were just on our way to the baby changing rooms" Ethan replied awkwardly as he gestured toward the baby bag he had hanging over his left shoulder.

"I'll sort that" Cal grinned, Ethan definitely wasn't going argue with that, he pulled off the bag to hand over to his brother. "What have you done Tobes?" Cal chuckled as he held her up in front of him, "You stink" he added.

"All yours" Ethan laughed as he handed over the bag.

"Oh thanks" Cal replied sarcastically, though he didn't really mind, changing nappies was all part of being a dad which was something he had grown to love over the last week.

"Doctor Knight, you can leave after that if you like" Connie proposed as she appeared next to them.

"Really?" he asked, in shock, him and Ethan had the same surprised expression on their faces.

"Yes, it's dead in here tonight, plus this little one needs her daddy" she pinched Tobi's cheek and left to get on with work.

Once done changing Tobi's nappy Cal was stood at reception with her, surrounded by the rest of his colleagues who were also done for the day. He was gently rocking her chair back and forth and he whispered quietly to her with a huge smile gracing his face, "Pub Cal?" Max asked, Cal didn't even hear his friend's request as he was too caught up in talking to Tobi. "Cal!" Max called which snapped him back into the room.

"Sorry, what?" he asked looking up at them.

"Pub?" Max asked again, "Ethan can take Tobi home, we still haven't had a chance to wet the baby's head yet!" he urged.

"Oh no thanks Max, I think we're going to have an early night tonight, aren't we Tobes? Yes we are" he smiled back down at the baby.

"Wow did Caleb Knight just turn down the opportunity to get off his face drunk?" Max asked surprised, Cal rolled his eyes at him "Who are you and what have you done with Cal?!" Max joked, everyone laughed a long.

"It's all part of being a dad, I've got to prioritise now, to be honest I'd rather spend time with Tobes than go to some strip club" Cal replied responsibly.

"Of all the people I know, you were definitely the last person I'd imagine to settle down" Max stated impressed.

"Well, people change" Cal grinned as Tobi wrapped her fingers around his thumb.

"Is it just me or has Cal just suddenly become even more attractive?" Robyn announced out of the blue.

"I didn't think that was possible but thanks Robyn" Cal replied smugly, Ethan rolled his eyes at his brother's comment.

"No no I agree, I think it's the fact he's finally grown up" Rita stated, agreeing with Robyn, Louise nodded along in agreement.

"I thought getting girls was meant to get harder once you had a kid?" Lofty laughed.

"It is when I go out with her and Ethan and the same time, it's unbelievable the amount of people who stop us to tell us we are 'doing something truly amazing bringing up a baby together'" Cal shook his head as he thought back.

"People tend to jump to conclusions a lot" Ethan added as their colleagues laughed at the thought.

"Anyway, have fun at the pub guys, I'm going home to catch the end of iggle piggle with this one" he joked as he kissed Tobi's hand tucked in her pink blanket around her to protect her from the cold outside.

"Aw well isn't this a pretty sight?" a tantalizing female voice called which caught everyone's attention instantly.

Cal felt his heart plummet, he slowly turned hoping to God it wasn't who he thought it was, but there wasn't another person on the planet whose voice had this effect on Cal – just hearing it completely turned him to jelly...

"Taylor" he mumbled as he turned to face her.

"Hello Cal" she replied, her voice was so captivating.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello again! Managed to get the next chapter done for you all, I couldn't leave you on such a cliff-hanger that would just be mean ;) Taylor showing up out of the blue...will this really go down well? For those who have asked, yes I will be posting something based on the year anniversary of the crash, I've been working on something recently but I've hit writers block hence the reason it hasn't been posted yet, if anyone you feel like giving me some inspiration for the anniversary of stories you would like to see that would really help :') Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and tonight's Casualty, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter seven

Taylor stood before him, at her side was an incredibly well groomed man, if there was a male version of Taylor - this was it, he was beautiful. Taylor on the other hand, looked even more gorgeous than Cal remembered. He hadn't seen her in months; his memory of her had evidently given her no credit whatsoever. For a few split seconds she had completely robbed him from the ability to string a sentence together, this was something that never happened to Cal, he was great when it came to women, but there was something about Taylor that just completely turned him to jelly.

"W-What the hell are you doing here?" he managed to splutter out.

"I'm here to collect my daughter" She replied easily as she played with her blonde hair slowly slipping it through her fingers capturing Cal's gaze instantly.

"What?" Ethan spat out from behind reception snapping Cal from Taylor's seductive ways.

"This isn't daddy day care Taylor you can't just come and pick her up whenever you please, you're not fit to be a mother, you said it yourself in the letter you left with her, you left her on a doorstep in the ice cold weather, she hasn't had any of her injections, she nearly died because of you" Cal shouted as anger built up inside of him.

"But I knew you'd make her better, my sexy doctor, that's why I left her with you" She spoke seductively as she slowly walked towards him and pinched his cheeks together, her touch sent butterflies shooting around Cal's stomach.

"Get off me" he mumbled as he turned his face away from her.

"Hello my little Tobi how have you been darling? I've missed you" she smiled as she turned the baby's chair so it was facing her and away from Cal. Tobi let out a wail as she saw her, Taylor stood back in shock.

"And get off her too" Cal he warned as he turned the baby back to face him.

"She's my daughter Cal, and it's time to go home" Taylor spoke calmly as she grabbed hold of Tobi's chair once more.

"You won't look after like I do" Cal protested as he too grabbed the chair.

" _Like you do_ " Taylor scoffed in reply, amused at the thought of Cal even attempting to be a good father.

"I've changed Taylor, she's changed me, I've become a better man because of my daughter" Cal explained.

"Oh this is so sad, I almost feel bad for admitting this, I don't know how I'm going to say this but...She's not your baby Cal" Taylor stated, acting as though she didn't want to admit it, but it was evident to her and those around them that her words had caused Cal's heart to shatter into a million pieces, it amused Taylor to see this. His friends gasped, Ethan held his head in his hands but Taylor smirked, "Hmm, I suppose it wasn't as hard to say as I thought it would be" she whispered sternly.

Cal shook his head, "Of-of course she's my baby Taylor she-"

"Cal..." Ethan cut him off to save his brother from embarrassing himself.

Cal turned to look at his brother desperately, "What?" he asked in dread having heard the tone his younger brother had used, Ethan slowly shook his head in reply, "no..." Cal whimpered as tears built in his eyes, "You knew?!" He roared angrily, never had he felt so betrayed. "No! I don't believe you; I don't believe any of you! Tobi is my daughter I don't care what you say" he shouted in protest.

"Do you honestly believe I would be stupid enough to have a baby to a waste of space like you?" Taylor asked amused at Cal's gullibility.

If words could physically cause pain, those would have felt like a bazooka being shot right through his heart. "The months don't even add up Cal" she laughed in his face.  
He couldn't find any words, this couldn't be happening...could it?

"I'm married, have been for nine years now, we con together" She informed him as she took hold of the hand of the man who stood beside her.

Cal shook his head in disbelief; he couldn't take in anything that was happening, "Why, why would you torture me like that?" he asked as tears escaped his eyes.

"Because you got me arrested Cal, out of all the men throughout all the years you, and only you were the one to get me caught, so I thought I'd have a little fun whilst getting my revenge" Taylor explained easily as if it were the norm.

"By using a tiny little innocent baby?!" Cal roared as his tears now turned to tears of rage.

"Starting them early" Her husband stated causing Taylor to chuckle.

"You're sick" Cal spat out as he wiped away his tears with the back of his hand.

"Perhaps, but I'm sure you can make me better eh, Doctor Knight?" she spoke in her seductive tone once more as she moved he body closer to his and grabbed his crotch, but this time she laid hands on him he felt disgust, there were no butterflies in his stomach or stumble for words, just utter disgust.

"Save some for me" her husband called.

Cal grabbed her hand and pushed it away from him. "I can call social services and tell them you're not fit to be a mother" he spoke through gritted teeth.

"And I'll call the police and tell them you robbed my baby..." she paused to act, "my beautiful little girl you took her away from me!" she shouted sounding distort causing the surrounding patients to look on in concern.

"You wouldn't call the police, the things you've done you could get a lifetime in prison" Cal spoke lowering his voice.

"Okay maybe I won't, but if you call social services I'll tell them I don't want you anywhere near her ever...you're dangerous and harmful!" she replied mischievously, raising her voice once more as she said the last bit.

"What?!" Cal shouted ferociously, he would never even dare to think about causing harm to a woman never mind a tiny baby!

"You stabbed me in the leg and left me in a park toilet for dead, but then you felt bad and patched me up...I've got the scar to prove it" She winked; he was completely speechless, was there any point in fighting a con artist? She had worked out an answer for every single possibility under the sun.

Once again she turned Tobi to face her and her husband, she pulled off her pink blanket and inspected her, "thanks for looking after her Cal; oh; look he's been playing dress up with our daughter, how cute! These new clothes are alright, but I would have thought you would have least have bought her some designer labels? You are a doctor after all, what else are you wasting your _huge_ wages on?" she asked; "Anyway, she's got plenty at home" she shrugged.

Cal held his head down in defeat, there was no way out of this, "I'll just go and get her things from the staff room" he sighed.

"Cal?!" Ethan called in shock.

"That was actually easier than I thought" Taylor smirked. Cal picked up Tobi's chair and turned to the staffroom, "leave the baby" Taylor called after him.

"No, I'm taking her with me because I know you'll leave without letting me say goodbye" Cal replied, his voice sounding mournful.

"You can see right through me now can't you? It's actually a bit of a turn on, you'd make a good con artist yourself you should consider starting up Cal" she spoke as if she were praising him.

"I'd rather die than become a sicko like you; I don't know what I ever saw in you" Cal snarled her in reply.

"I think we all do Cal, let's be honest..." she replied as she motioned up and down her body.

"Cal what are you doing? Are you going to hand her over just like that?" Ethan called as he followed his brother to the staffroom.

Cal sighed deeply, just the sound of his younger brother's voice angered him instantly, "I can't even look at you Ethan, you knew all along she wasn't my daughter?! You're just as bad as Taylor" Cal snapped in reply as he placed Tobi's chair down on the counter in the staff room.

"I got the DNA results from the test you did" Ethan explained sheepishly.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Cal roared as he spun around to face him for the first time.  
Tobi let out a wail in fright at Cal's tone.

Ethan backed away slightly, the last time his brother had used this tone with him was ironically the day Taylor got arrested and the pair ended up wrestling on the ground, "You forgot about them, I couldn't bring myself to tell you because I knew it would break your heart, like how hearing all that out there did then" Ethan replied hoping to get through to his brother.

Cal held his head in his hands, "Shh Tobi, I'm sorry I scared you, shh its okay, I'm so sorry" Cal whimpered as he gently rocked her chair back and forth.

"What's the plan?" Ethan asked warily, "You can't surely be giving her up to Taylor?" Ethan asked surprised.

"She's nothing to me Ethan" Cal whispered as Tobi slipped off to sleep with Cal's rocking comforting her.

"Caleb don't say that, sure you're not related by blood but you love her – more than Taylor and her con artist husband ever could" Ethan protested, Cal sighed deeply, it was as though his body completely deflated and he was drained of all will power in him. "No Cal, this isn't you- you don't give up that easily. Come on you've got to fight back, that little girl needs you" Ethan urged having visibly seen his older brother give up.

Cal took in a deep breath and looked up at Ethan, "I've only got one plan in mind, the only thing that's in me..." he stated.

"Run and hide?" Ethan asked knowingly.

Cal nodded "Run and hide." he replied.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello everyone, here's today's update! I hope you enjoy, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

 **RIP Jeff Collier, it's been a year woaaaah, still will always be one of my favourite episodes! I will eventually get a story posted based on the one year anniversary, I'm just currently searching for some inspiration so please bear with! X**

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That's what's in me – Chapter eight

"Do it Cal" Ethan replied.

"It's funny, you're usually against this life choice of mine" Cal spoke sarcastically as stroked Tobi's cheek.

"I know, but this time I'd gladly pick up the pieces Caleb, you have to do this" Ethan spoke in determination, "I'll stall things here, you take the baby and go" Ethan planned it all out, "wait, where will you go? You can't go home that's the first place they'll check..." he realised.

"Ethan you speak as if I haven't done this before, I'll find a way don't worry"  
Cal reassured his younger brother. He slowly began to get more determined, this baby needed him, he couldn't give up on her now, not after everything they've been through.

"This could end really badly, you're practically abducting a baby" Ethan replied beginning to see the harsh reality of their plan.

"There's no way Taylor would get the police involved, I could bet my life on it" Cal replied confidently.

"Okay then, get out of here before they come looking" Ethan ordered.  
Cal picked up the chair, flung the nappy bag across his body and walked toward the staffroom door.  
"And Caleb?" Ethan called just as his brother took hold of the doorknob, Cal slowly turned to face him, "I'm sorry it's come down to this, I should've told you in the beginning but no matter what the outcome is I'll be there for you okay?" He spoke sincerely.

"Thanks" Cal replied awkwardly, his blood was still very much boiling due to his younger brother's lies. He flashed a smile at him and left to do what he does best; run and hide, leaving Ethan to do what he knows how to do best; pick up the pieces.

Ethan froze for a moment to allow himself to think, but he only allowed himself to think of what he should do and blocked out any bad thoughts of him and his brother ending up in jail for abducting a baby...though those thoughts proved harder to ignore than he figured. He took in a deep breath and walked over to the blinds, he couldn't see any sign of Cal, nor any angry con artists storming their way to the staffroom to receive their baby. He closed the blinds and locked the doors. He had to do this, he owed it to Caleb...Ethan was more than partly the reason they were in this mess in the first place. He could feel the adrenaline building up inside of him, he paced back and forth anxiously as he nibbled at his nails knowing any minute there would be a knock at the door for Cal and Tobi who he hoped would be far far away from the ED by now...and as if on cue there was a knock at the door which though only light almost gave Ethan a heart attack, he stopped his pacing and watched the door now feeling more anxious than ever.

"Cal can you hurry up in there with my daughter please? We want to go" Taylor's impatient growl called through it.

Ethan took in a deep breath to steady himself, he had to do this; for Cal and for Tobi. Cal wouldn't show any fear in a situation like this...it was moments like this he wished he were more like his older brother, though he'd done well so far as inside he felt like crawling under the table and hiding away.

"We're not coming out" He called back, his voice breaking slightly.

"What?" Max's voice replied confused.

"Oh playing that game are we? How childish" Taylor scoffed, "Well not to worry, we can wait all day" she added.

"Good" Ethan mumbled to himself, the longer they wait here the longer Cal had to get away.

"Open the door Ethan!" Robyn's voice now called.

"No!" Ethan snapped, his adrenaline was now pumping hard within him.

"You can't stay in there forever" Taylor's husband replied knowingly.

There were then a few seconds of silence before Taylor spoke again, "Where's Tobi? I can't hear her"

Ethan felt his heart jump to his throat, "She's asleep" he called back frantically.

"Well what about Cal, I don't suppose he's asleep as well? Or has he just lost the ability to use his voice?" She replied.

Ethan froze, how was he supposed to answer to that? This plan wasn't as well thought out as he would have preferred.

"Open the door Cal!" Taylor roared as they began to bang and thump on the door viscously causing Ethan to jump with fright. He walked over and sat on the couch holding his head in his hands...what had they done? Did they honestly believe there would be a positive outcome to this plan?

"Doctor Knight, Doctor Hardy open this door instantly" Connie's stern voice called through the door as the thumping stopped.

"I'm afraid we can't do that" Ethan replied, he surprised himself how calm he sounded because in reality he was pretty much an emotional wreck.

"Well I'm letting you know whatever damage is caused it's coming out of both your wages" she warned and the sound of her heels disappeared off into the distance.

"This is ridiculous the baby isn't even yours" Taylor called through the door.

"I know" Ethan whispered to himself as he held his head back down again, this was truly ridiculous.

"I don't like to be kept waiting Doctor Hardy" Her husband shouted.

"Get the gun" He heard Taylor's lowered voice whisper.

"Gun?!" Robyn spat out.

"Woah woah there's no need for that! Ethan open up!" Max yelled as he banged hard on the door with his fist.

Ethan was completely frozen, his breathing heavy, he'd felt like this before, he knew what was happening; he was about to have a panic attack. He hurried to his locker and pulled out a brown paper bag that he would always keep in there just in case in anxiety played up, he held it to his mouth and took in deep breaths, he closed his eyes and desperately attempted to steady his mindset.

"Ethan, Caleb, you're putting other people's lives in danger please open the door and give the baby up Cal, this is wrong!" Charlie's voice shouted.

Ethan placed the bag back in his locker and took in one last deep breath, he slowly opened the door to be met by a crowd of his concerned looking colleagues and Taylor and her husband who pushed him out of the way and barged into the room instantly.

"Where are they?!" Taylor roared as they scanned the room.

"Who?" Ethan shrugged.

Taylor's husband's face reddened instantly, "Don't act dumb with me do you think you can con a con artist?" he spoke sternly as he slowly edged toward Ethan.

Ethan smiled in reply "Well, if you can kid a kidder..." he joked awkwardly.

Her husband shook his head angrily, "Where are they?!" he demanded as he grabbed Ethan by his cardigan and pushed him hard against the lockers.

"They left" Ethan admitted as he struggled to fight the much taller man's grasp.

"Where did they go?!" he yelled, getting a bit too close to Ethan's face for comfort.

"I don't know" Ethan muttered as he turned his face away.

Her husband sighed heavily and lunched his fist into Ethan's stomach winding him instantly. He released his hold on the doctor and he stumbled to the ground gasping for air and holding his stomach protectively.

"I-I, don't know" he managed to speak through his wheezing.

He watched with terrified eyes as he noticed her husband's fists clench once more, this time meeting his face. The iron taste of blood filled up in his mouth which he couldn't help but splutter out as he winced in pain.

"Leave him honey, messing with him is just wasting time finding Cal, let's go" Taylor pulled her husband back from the bleeding man on the ground, "oh why not, give him one more, he was the one who called the police after all" she smiled wickedly.

Her husband gave Ethan a kick to the chest as he lay hunched over on the ground, his foot met the exact point on Ethan's chest where he had his thoracotomy carried out on him a year ago; he'd never felt pain like it. He clutched his chest as the pain and the memories of how he got this injury in the first place hauntingly rushed through his mind.

Taylor kneeled down beside him and gently lifted up his chin with her finger so he was looking her way, blood was still pouring from his mouth "I never did like you" she whispered through gritted teeth and pushed his head away so he was laying back down, wincing as he attempted to breathe.

Max pushed his way through the crowd of colleagues and grabbed Taylor's husband pushing him so hard against the lockers that the force of his body dinted the doors, "You better hope you haven't caused him any harm or I swear-" Her husband cut off Max's threat.

"What will you do eh?" he spat back in his face.

Max launched his fist hard against the con artist's face before he even got a chance to finish his sentence. He returned the punch but missed as Lofty pulled Max back away from him, Jacob stood in between the two fighting men pushing Taylor's husband back with one hand "I think it's best you leave" He warned.

Taylor took hold of her husband's hand and hurried him out of the door. Everyone quickly attended to Ethan who still lay gasping for air on the floor.

"Ethan are you okay?" Rita asked worryingly as she kneeled down beside him.

He shook his head frantically, "No" he whimpered, "my- my chest" he explained as tears traced his cheeks.

"I'm going to kill him-" Max roared as he hurried to the door but Lofty dragged him back once more.

"Max stay here!" Robyn shouted.

"Right Ethan, I'm just going to unbutton your shirt so we can get a look at your chest okay?" Zoe explained softly as she did so.

She had to practically prise his hand away from his chest, he held it tightly as if he were protecting it from anymore harm.

"Right okay there's some bruising" she stated as she examined it.

"That scar" Dylan spotted the huge scar that ran from the middle of Ethan's chest right around to his left side, "That looks like a scar from a thoracotomy" he announced in amazement.

"That's because it is Dylan" Zoe replied as she pressed around Ethan's scar where there was bruising already present.

"Fascinating" Dylan spoke as he kneeled down beside Zoe to get a better look.

"It- hurts" Ethan winced as she pressed his chest.

"I doubt it's anything to do with your operation Ethan, I think you may have a few broken ribs is all" she replied reassuringly seeing the worry on the young doctor's face.

"No no, he could be right. Thoracotomy's are known as the most painful of operations to recover from, I once read an article about a man who still felt the same amount of pain from the day of his operation 25 months later" Dylan stated as he watched on excitedly unable to hide his love for strange and challenging cases.

"Yes well, I'm sure Ethan's case is just a few cracked ribs" she replied firmly giving Dylan daggers.

"Oh, yes, of course" he replied awkwardly.

He and Zoe helped Ethan to his feet and took him through to cubicles, he now felt back to normal, though his chest still hurt slightly but he figured it was just the memory of the pain that lay there a year ago after the crash haven been proven by an X-ray he had broken two ribs from the man's kick, he also couldn't help but feel gutted at the fact his favourite work shirt was now covered in the blood from his mouth.

"So, Ethan..." Max spoke awkwardly as he popped his head around the cubicle curtain, "where do you think Cal has gotten to?" he asked.

"Far away hopefully" Ethan replied. He silently prayed that that in fact was true, he now knew just how dangerous the people they were messing with were and he didn't want his older brother to be on the other side of it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello everyone! Here's today's update, I hope you enjoy! Has anyone else seen the trailer on the BBC Casualty website of Cal and Taylor?! "There's something I need to show you..." It looks intense! I seriously can't wait for this storyline to play out ahhh! Anyways, here's the continuation of my take on it, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter nine

Cal left the staff room and automatically went with his instincts to turn towards reception, luckily he clicked on before he got there that that place was somewhere he was meant to be running away from, not running to. He swiftly turned and head upstairs knowing there was a fire exit up there with stairs leading down to the peace garden and there he could properly begin his escape. Knowing he could only have a few moments to escape caused his body to pump with the thrill of adrenaline; this was a feeling that adrenaline-fuelled Cal craved a lot, though now it had hit him harder than ever. He practically sprinted through the corridors and burst his way through the fire escape door, he slammed it closed behind him and stood at the top of the stairs so he could catch his breath and also think of his next move, it was then when he spotted Dixie sat on the bench that was dedicated to Jeff. She turned to face him when she heard the door shutting.

"Everything okay?" She called up the stairs to him.

He hurried down "not really no" he spat out as he reached her.

"What's happened?" She asked in worry as she leaned over to examine the sleeping baby.

"Tobi's fine, it's Taylor" he replied frantically, "she's come back to take her away from me" he explained as he ducked down to hide.

"Why didn't you just sit and talk things through Caleb? You could probably do with the extra help" she replied confused as she looks down at him.

"She still cons Dixie, she's married, she uses Tobi to con people she's sick in the head, Tobi isn't safe with her but she is with me" He spoke frantically as he checked over his shoulder.

"So you've took the baby?" She asked in realisation.

"Yes" he spat out.

"Well why are you acting so shifty? She's your daughter you're allowed to take her out" she laughed at how strange and on edge he was acting.

The look Cal gave her in response made her question everything, "she _is_ your daughter...isn't she Cal?" She asked in worry.

He shook his head as tears built in his eyes once more.

"Oh my God" Dixie whispered as she too ducked down, now fully aware of why Cal was acting so on edge, "Cal this is abduction, you know that right?" She whispered.

He nodded frantically in reply, "I didn't know what else to do Dixie" he whimpered as he broke down once more, tears trickled their way down his cheeks he was suddenly hit with the reality of what he was about to do, "I don't want to give up on her Dix, look at her she needs me, she needs someone who loves her and someone who will care for her and someone who will be there for her, Taylor can't give her any of that" he sobbed, "she needs me" he whimpered again as Dixie put her arm around him.

"This is wrong" he spoke as he wiped his tears away, "I'll take her back in there this is wrong, she's not even mine" he announced as he stood up straight.

"Wait!" Dixie called as she pulled him back down, "you're right Cal she can't stay with them" she added.

"Well what am I supposed to do?" He whispered.

"Stay at mine tonight, it'll give you a chance to think things through, if she's as bad of a con artist as you say she is then she won't get the police involved, she'll be practically handing herself in if she does that" Dixie stated confidently.

"She doesn't love her Dixie, she uses her to con that's it, she sees her as nothing more than a weapon in her schemes" Cal explained.

Dixie nodded understandingly "Where's Ethan?" She asked.

"In the staffroom stalling them" he replied.

"Right then, let's get a move on, con artists aren't thick, they'll figure out you're not in there soon enough, let's go"

He kneeled down beside the baby, opened up the nappy bag and pulled out a tiny white hat which he gently placed on Tobi's head as she slept, "its cold" he sniffed as he kissed her head through her hat. Dixie took the nappy bag off Cal whilst he picked up Tobi once more and they hurried to Dixie's car.

* * *

"This was Jeff's room" Dixie smiled sadly as she led him inside.

"Oh are you sure you want me staying in here? I'll be okay on the couch" Cal replied sympathetically.

"No no, you've got enough to worry about than having your back put out on the couch too" she laughed in reply.

Cal sat down on the bed held his head in his hands, "get some sleep kid, or as much as you can of it" she spoke softly as she turned to leave.

"Thanks for this Dixie" Cal called after her.

"Anything for you and little Tobi" she smiled and went into her own room.

He sighed deeply and lay back on the bed. Tobi was still asleep in her car seat which he had placed on the floor in reach from where he laid. He didn't know whether it was the adrenaline inside him wearing away or the emotionally draining day he had just been through but he suddenly felt exhausted. He closed his eyes. Just as he felt himself drifting off Tobi began to cry. Her cry startled him at first as any noise does when you are half asleep. He sighed as he switched on the bedside table and went to collect her from her chair.

"Shh Tobes its okay" he whispered softly in attempt to comfort her but she still continued to cry. He changed her nappy; she still cried, he gave her the last of her milk she had left in her bottle; she carried on crying, he sat and hugged her, holding her close in comfort, telling her he loved her and that everything is going to be okay, he even tried singing to her; nothing. The baby still continued to scream the house down. It was as though she could tell he was lying every time he told her that "everything was going to be okay" because he didn't know if that in fact was true himself.

Was she _ever_ going to stop crying?

Just as he was about to break down there was a knock at the door. Dixie walked in with a sympathetic smile on her face.

"She's never like this Dixie, she usually sleeps right through I don't know what's gotten into her" Cal spoke over the baby's sob.

"She can sense that something's up, they're very clever you know baby's are, she knows you're upset and it's upsetting her, she doesn't like seeing you sad like you don't like seeing her sad" Dixie explained. "Come here darlin'" she whispered as she took the baby from Cal's arms. She gently rocked side to side with Tobi cradled in her arms and quietly whispered to her as she continued to smile down at her. A few minutes passed and Tobi had fallen back to sleep in her arms, she placed her on the bed beside Cal who looked at her amazed.

"You're a miracle worker I swear" he announced as he looked down at Tobi who now slept so peacefully.

"Listen love, I've got some news..." She whispered sincerely. Cal looked up at her awaiting her next words, worried about what was about to come out of her mouth due to the tone she had used. "It's Ethan" she stated.

"What?!" He spat out protectively causing the baby to stir.

"Shh" she whispered causing him to lower his voice, "he's fine Cal don't worry, I've just got off the phone with Charlie and he said Taylor's husband had a go at him..." She explained, Cal clung to her every word, "he's broken a few ribs but other than that he's fine" she concluded.

Cal paused for a moment, taken aback by what he had just heard, "I need to see him" he announced.

"No Cal, he's fine, I promise you he's fine, do you think I'd promise you that if he wasn't?" She spoke sincerely, "look Tobi needs you to be with her, Ethan is a grown man plus he's got everyone at work there with him he'll be fine, anyway he wouldn't want all his hard work stalling them going to waste because you show up!" She joked, Cal nodded in agreement.

"I just thought I'd tell you" she stated.

"Thank you" He whispered, Dixie left him alone once again with Tobi.

He looked down at her, he listened to the sound of her breathing as her small chest rose and fell. He gently stroked behind her ear as she slept, her head facing into his chest as he lay beside her, he looked down at her tiny body which just about fit into her tiny pink and brown polka dotted pants and matching pink top which he remembered picking out for her just last week, when he was filled with the thrill and excitement of bringing up his daughter...all of which had now disappeared as he no longer had a daughter, just a tiny person who he had the upmost amount love and desire to protect and keep safe for as long as he could on his hands. He couldn't ignore the ache in his heart as he thought about that, never had he loved something so much though the thought that this thing he loved with every part of him wasn't his completely shattered him. Tears built in his eyes for what felt like the 300th time today as he thought back to the moment Taylor broke the news, the moment she called him a 'waste of space'...that was the second time now he had been called that. He had actually started to believe it for a while the first time he got called it, that was until Tobi appeared in his life, giving it a purpose, giving him a reason to try and commit to something, he liked the fact that Tobi relied on him for everything, it proved that he wasn't a waste of space because Tobi needed him more than anyone else in the world she needed him and only him and that felt beautiful. Though now, this baby who gave him a purpose, who only had him to rely on, was no longer his and had other people to rely on who she had spent the majority of her short life so far with. Whilst protecting someone who he loved he had put the only other person on the planet who he loved in danger, his little brother had been hospitalised because he was protecting him, what a vicious circle he had created. His only weakness was Ethan, someone could completely beat Cal up until he was unrecognisable and he would brush it off but the second someone lay a finger on Ethan Cal would see red. Ethan was all he had left in the world that mattered, that was until Tobi came into his life...maybe the smartest thing to do would be to go back to just having Ethan...

He put his hand over his eyes as he silently sobbed trying not to wake the baby, still leaving the other hand by Tobi's head, this was the hardest decision he had ever had to make.

He pulled his hand down so it was now covering his mouth, wiping was some tears from his cheeks as he did so, he stayed like that for a moment to think before he pulled out his phone from his pocket and switched it on.

 _"Message from Ethan: you can do this Cal don't give up! Get in touch with me as soon as you can okay? Ethan."_

 _"Message from Max: Where are you mate?"_

 _"Message from Ethan: Cal, I don't know what you may have heard but I'm fine, thinking about it, this was a really bad idea but there's no going back now I suppose...get in touch with me soon. Please stay safe Caleb, don't do anything stupid these people are dangerous! I can't lose you, Ethan."_

 _"One new voicemail: unknown number"_

He took in a deep breath and held the phone to his ear, he wrote something down on a piece of paper that was placed on his bedside table as he listened. He then placed his phone back in his pocket, gave Tobi a kiss on the forehead, switched off the bedside lamp and lay down to sleep or at least try...


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello everyone! I hope you've had/are having a wonderful day! Here's today's chapter. I've re-read this chapter many times to check over it before posting and I know I shouldn't really say this about my own work but this is probably my favourite chapter I've written for any stories...I'm not sure why, please don't think I'm being vain, I think it's the fact I would love to see something like this happen on screen even though I know it never would or maybe it's the fact I've re-read it that many times it's messed with my head :') I hope you enjoy it anyways, please let me know your thoughts on it as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

* * *

That's what's in me – Chapter ten

The next day Max had offered to give Ethan a lift home seen as though he was still quite shaken up after what Taylor's husband had done to him and Connie had given him the day off to spend it recovering. He still hadn't heard from his brother which worried him more than anything. As they pulled up outside Ethan's house they noticed something unusual; the door was open slightly.

Ethan pushed it open slowly "hello?" He called warily, his voice echoing through the hall. He walked inside and into the living room, Max following behind. He was utterly horrified when he saw the state of his home; it had been completely trashed. He bent over and picked up a picture frame from the floor that was smashed up, inside was an old picture of him, Cal and their mother, it was his favourite picture and one of the only ones he owned of all three of them together as a family...it sickened him to think someone could do this to him.

"Jesus mate have you been robbed?" Max spat out as he scanned the room.

"Nothing appears to have been taken" Ethan replied as he too scanned the room, "they must've come looking for Cal and decided to leave a warning in the process" he added as he swallowed hard.

Max walked into the kitchen and looked about "they've done in here too" He called back to Ethan who sighed deeply, "I'll stay and help you clean up" Max proposed as he walked back in with a bin bag.

"No no, there's no need" Ethan protested, "I actually enjoy cleaning, it's almost like therapy to me, it'll help take my mind off things for a while too" he stated as he took the bin bag from Max's hands, "thanks for the offer though" he forced out a smile which caused him pain due to his busted lip.

"Will you need your door fixing?" Max asked as he walked out into the hallway to examine it.

"No, I think they've just picked the lock" Ethan replied with a sigh.

"Okay then" Max replied, at least they'd kept one thing intact. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay for a bit? I'd hate to stay here alone, it'd freak me out" Max shuddered at the thought.

"No no honestly, it's fine, thanks for bringing me home" Ethan smiled as Max left the house.

"I'll give you a call later yeah? And keep that door locked!" He called back as he made his way back to his car.

"Yes that's fine and don't worry I'll assure I will" Ethan called back and shut the door. He looked back down at the picture frame in his hands and walked back into the living room. He then hurried back to the front door to lock it before he began his cleaning process.

The clearing up took longer than he thought it would, with breaks every hour or so adding on to that time, his injuries had a bigger effect on him than first thought. He also found himself checking his phone every few minutes for signs that his brother was okay making him feel like one of those teenagers whose phones seemed to be surgically attached to them. They'd trashed the entirety of upstairs too much to Ethan's disgust; the word 'privacy' had completely lost its meaning to him. It was now dark outside but Ethan was finally done, the house was now looking cleaner than it did before the trashing which brought Ethan some pleasure at least. He sunk his exhausted body back into the couch and closed his eyes, falling asleep almost instantly.

He was awoken suddenly hours later, he found himself slumped down still on the couch, he looked up at the clock to find it was 3:30am he didn't really plan on his nap lasting that long, well, he didn't really plan on napping at all but his exhausted body thought otherwise. He heard the sound of his front door shutting and fear filled every inch of his body instantly. He picked up a baseball bat that he had found during his clear out and stood to his feet. He could feel his heart pumping hard in his chest as he listened to the sound of footsteps making their way up the hall and stopping as they reached the living room door. Ethan took in a deep breath and held up the bat, preparing himself to whack whoever was at the other side. He watched as the doorknob slowly turned and the door creaked open.

"Who's there?!" He called as he turned his face away in fear. In the corner of his eye he saw the door open and in walk a tall figure, he held up the bat and launched it toward the figure but stopped himself seconds before he made contact with it as he realised who it was.

"Cal?" He spoke in shock as he saw his drunken brother stood before him weaving slowly back and forth.

"Caleb..." He spoke warily as he examined him; he was alone, "where's Tobi?" He asked in dread.

Cal staggered his way into the kitchen and opened the fridge; he pulled out a beer and leaned his body back against the countertop.

Ethan watched him carefully, he could see the glimmer in his brother's eyes; he'd obviously been crying. "Cal, what's happened?" He asked softly.

Cal pulled out something that was hanging from his back pocket; Tobi's pink blanket. He brought it to his face and breathed in the scent of it before he sighed deeply and completely crumbled, he slid down to the floor and buried his face into his knees as he sobbed.

"Oh Caleb" Ethan sighed as he kneeled down beside him, wincing slightly due to his broken ribs.

"She's gone Ethan" Cal sobbed into his knees.

"What do you mean she's gone?" Ethan asked, given the drunken state his brother was in he wouldn't be surprised if he'd left her somewhere accidentally.

Cal pulled his head from out of his knees and looked toward Ethan as tears still poured from his eyes, "I gave her back to Taylor this morning, because that was the right thing to do..." He whimpered, "...but if that was the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong?" He asked as he broke out yet again into a sob and buried his face into his knees, his shoulders shuddering with the force of his cry.

Ethan sighed sadly as he watched his brother, "It was the right thing to do Caleb, you know it was" Ethan whispered softly hoping to get through to his brother.

"God Ethan I feel sick knowing I've given her up to them two, I love her Ethan...so much, why-why would she torture me like that?" He whimpered.

"Maybe she conned us into thinking she was a bad mother too, who knows? I'm sure Tobi will be fine with them, you did the best you could whilst she was yours Caleb..." Ethan attempted to make his brother feel at ease but everything he said was just filling him with guilt, "You made a brilliant dad Cal, you surprised everyone with that, imagine how proud mum would've been to see you with Tobi eh? I'm proud of you" he admitted,

Cal shook his head, "I've made a complete fool out of myself, acting like a father to a kid that isn't even mine, I allowed her to completely change me, I look so pathetic" he sniffed.

"No you don't Caleb why would you say that? All you've done is show everyone that you have it in you to be a dad, do you not understand how many people would've ran and hid when they got told they were a father out of the blue like that? You stayed Caleb. That just shows how strong you are and how good of a person you are, if anything you should be proud" Ethan stated desperately.

"She won't even remember me" he whimpered as he leaned his head back against the cupboard.

Ethan couldn't reply to that. He watched as his brother drank more of his beer, now that he thought of it, he had never seen his brother _this_ drunk before, "Cal I think the last thing you need is more drink..." Ethan spoke awkwardly as he pulled the beer from his brother's shaking hands.

"I want to get so drunk that I can't remember her - like she won't remember me" he slurred as he snatched the beer back from his brother and downed it in one, Ethan watched on sympathetically.

"I'm so sorry Caleb" he whispered, the guilt had finally got to him. Cal looked at him confused; "if only I'd told you in the first place that Tobi wasn't yours you wouldn't be in this state" Ethan shook his head sadly.

"She made me a better person Ethan" he sighed as more tears traced his cheeks. Ethan held his head down to hide the tears building in his eyes. Cal lifted up his brother's chin with his finger and examined his face "oh what have they done to you?" He whispered as he looked at Ethan's busted lip.

"It's nothing" Ethan pushed away his brother's hand.

"I can't even be a good brother - I've let this happen to you. How could I be a good dad? Maybe it was for the best that Tobi got taken away from me" he muttered as he held his head in his hands once more.

Ethan walked into the living room and picked up the picture frame from earlier; he walked back into the kitchen and handed it to his brother.

More tears poured from his eyes as he saw it, "I miss how simple life was back then" he whispered as he ran his fingers over it.

"Me too" Ethan agreed.

"I miss mum" Cal sighed as he fixed his eyes on her in the picture.

Ethan held his head down, "me too" he whimpered as tears now rolled down his cheeks.

"Come here kiddo" Cal sniffled as he put his arm around Ethan and pulled him into his embrace and uncharacteristically; Ethan let him.

"You're going to be okay Caleb, we both are" Ethan cried as he crumbled into his brother's embrace.

Cal buried his face into his brother's blonde hair as he continued to weep, "I know, we always are" he agreed, "but why this time does it seem so impossibly hard?" He whispered as he looked up, still with his chin resting on Ethan's head.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello everyone! Less than an hour until Casualty! Cal's storyline begins tonight with Taylor's baby so don't forget to hit your red button after tonight's episode, or catch it on iPlayer...I'm too excited to explain arghhhhh! Here's the next chapter of my story, which I hope you enjoy, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

* * *

That's what's in me – Chapter eleven

The next day Ethan was awoken on the couch yet again, by the sounds of his brother storming about the house around him, "Cal?" Ethan mumbled as he sat his aching body up, "What are you doing?" he yawned as Cal took a seat on the couch beside him and leaned over to tie his shoes.

"Going to work" He replied, not even looking up to make eye contact with his brother.

"Work?!" Ethan called in shock, "What time is it?!" he asked frantically.

"Time for work" Cal replied plainly.

Ethan shot a glance toward the clock and jumped up instantly to get ready, rushing around the house like a madman. Cal was sat in the kitchen awaiting a taxi to take him to the ED. He looked awful, his eyes now looked as though they were going to be glimmering with tears for the rest of eternity, his face looked completely drained of any colour, any emotion, any character...he just stared blankly ahead as if he no longer had a purpose, as if he had completely given up, though that could just be his hangover kicking in.

Ethan hurried into the kitchen, buttoning up his shirt as he did so and noticed the unusual distance to his brother, it was as though Cal hadn't even noticed him enter the room, "Are you sure you're up for work today?" Ethan asked as he stood beside him and poured himself a cup of coffee.

His younger brother's voice seemed to snap him back into the room, "Why wouldn't I be?" he shrugged, still staring ahead blankly.

Ethan watched him warily, "Well, you got pretty drunk last night, are you not hungover?" he asked awkwardly.

Cal rolled his eyes and turned to look his brother in the eye for the first time of the day, "That's not the reason you asked me that question Ethan- we both know it." He spat out.

Ethan sighed, there was no point acting as though nothing had happened last night, "Well I'm sure if you told Mrs beauchamp what happened she'd understand and give you the day off-"

Cal cut him off, "I don't want sympathy, I just want to get back to normal" he snapped as he stood up, pulled on his leather jacket and head for the door.

Ethan followed him sheepishly, "I didn't mean that but-"

Cal cut him off again, "I used up all my holiday days last week with Tob-" he stopped himself there, midway through the name of the baby that this time two days ago he was getting dressed and ready to take to work to show off proudly, oh how much had changed since then...

"Cal..." Ethan began softly, seeing just how badly his brother was dealing with his loss.

"Don't Ethan, just don't." Cal snapped and stormed out of the house to the taxi that had pulled up outside.

Ethan sighed deeply and followed his brother out of the door, today was going to be a long day.

* * *

They both got out of the taxi the pulled up outside the ED, Ethan stayed back to pay the driver whilst Cal walked on ahead. As he walked through the ED doors he caught everyone attention instantly, everyone seemed to stop what they were doing and turn to face him, even the patients in reception, it was as though he'd been the talk of the entire hospital, which, now that he thought about it was probably true. Ethan walked behind him, giving off awkward smiles to those who watched on them too feeling the awkwardness but also feeling confused more than anything. They were confused for many reasons...where had Cal gotten to the night Taylor showed up? Why did he look so distant and emotionless? And the one that confused everyone the most...where was Tobi?

"Cal..." Max began as he hurried alongside him. Cal didn't reply he just continued to walk hoping to get to the staffroom to change into his scrubs and begin his day but someone stood in his way, stopping him in his tracks.

It was Dixie who greeted him with a beaming smile, "Cal! What happened to you and little Tobi yesterday morning? I didn't even hear you leave, I got up and thought it'd be nice to make an English breakfast for us both but you didn't come down, I figured I'd leave you sleeping for a bit because...you know, but it went passed midday, I thought you'd had enough of a sleep in but when I went to get you up the room was empty and-" Cal cut her off.

"Yeah okay Dixie I get it, but I'm here now yeah?" He snapped angrily causing everyone to watch him warily.

"Well you're here, but where's little Tobi? In the staff room? I could do with some of her cuddles" Dixie smiled, Ethan felt his heart jump to his throat; he gave Dixie a shake of his head in attempt to warn her off from over his brother's shoulder. Cal sighed deeply and pushed passed her, his plan again being to storm off to the staffroom but he was stopped yet again.

"Doctor Knight! My office now!" Connie's stern voice called.

* * *

"It's nice to see you actually decided to turn up for work today, what happened yesterday?" She asked Cal who awkwardly stood in front of her desk looking toward the ground, "Oh please Doctor Knight, do take a seat, I want to hear whatever pathetic excuse you come up with for your skiving" she spoke sarcastically. Cal sighed and sat down in the chair before her. She turned her face away when she got a waft of alcohol coming from the senior doctor, "Oh never mind your explaining, it's evident you took the day out to do some pub crawling" she snapped giving another sniff in his direction and then turning up her nose in disgust, "Are those the clothes you left in two days ago?" she asked in realisation, Cal held his head in his hands, "Are you still drunk?!" she yelled.

"No" he replied still holding his head down.

"Right well, I'm going to have to breathalyse you before I let you treat any patients, you absolutely reek of alcohol Cal, do you honestly believe you should show up to work in this state? I have a good might to suspend you! I actually thought you had grown up this past week with being a father and all, obviously I was wrong. And after the mayhem you caused the other night, you're lucky you still have a job here! You running away put other people's lives in danger, do you understand that?" She asked sternly.

Cal nodded slowly.

"One of those people being your brother who was petrified with the pain of his thoracotomy suddenly coming back to him" she added.

"I know" he mumbled.

"I don't know what that was about and quite frankly I don't care. I'm glad to see you took in one thing that I said to you and got a babysitter for your daughter today-" she cut herself off when she noticed Cal look up at her with tears building in his eyes, "...that is what you've done, isn't it Caleb?" she asked slowly.

"No" Cal whimpered, "Taylor came back the other day to take her away from me" he explained as a tear escaped his eye, "she wasn't my daughter Connie, she left me believing that she was, but..." his voice trailed off and he held his head back down once again.

"Oh Cal, I'm so sorry, I know what it's like to have your child taken away from you" Connie sympathised.

"She wasn't mine" Cal reminded her.

"But you loved that child, like your own" she added, "have the day off Cal, I'm sorry for-" he cut her off.

"No, I want to get back to normal" He replied.

"Okay..." she replied warily.

* * *

Cal left to get on with his day, well, as much as he could with the obvious taking up most of his thoughts concentration proved to be a task of its own. He had also kept his distance from the rest of his colleagues as much as he could, it had worked so far but then the red phone rang and everyone was called to gather around the nursing station.

"Hi Cal" Robyn spoke awkwardly as she stood next to him.

"Hi" he replied and looked ahead at Charlie who was about to announce whatever accident was about to be brought in.

"So..." Max stood at his other side and attempted to make conversation, "pub tonight Cal?" he asked.

"Definitely." Cal replied easily.

Max's face lit up, "Yes that means the old Cal is back! I didn't like responsible Cal, it was weird!" Max joked, Cal forced out a smile in reply.

"But if responsible Cal is gone then does that mean..." Robyn's voice trailed off.

"That Tobi is gone too?" Cal spoke out as he looked down at her, she nodded awkwardly in reply, "Yep, she's with Taylor" he replied.

"But...where's Taylor?" Max asked confused.

"Who knows" Cal shrugged, "Probably half was across the world by now knowing her" He added as Charlie began to speak. Robyn, Max, Lofty and Rita exchanged awkward glances.

"Right there has been a RTA involving a car being sideswiped by a van. The driver of the van is walking wounded however it's the people in the car who we should be worried about..." His voice trailed off as he shot a quick glance at Cal.

"What's up with the car?" Cal asked having noticed the older man's glance.

"It was a family car. Mum, dad, two young children..." he explained, Cal held his head down, "The last thing I heard they were trying to revive the mum who was in the passenger's seat, the dad is also in a bad way, one of the children are walking wounded luckily..." his voice trailed off again.

"What about the other kid?" Cal asked in dread, Charlie stayed silent, "Charlie!" Cal urged.

"The youngest. She's in a critical condition; it was her side the van hit into. They've had to be cut from the car and she's had to be revived a few times already, Dixie and Iain are rushing her in now but it doesn't look good" Charlie explained sadly.

"How old is the youngest?" Cal asked, his voice almost a whimper.

"We're not sure yet, one? Maybe younger..." Charlie replied, he then walked over to talk to Zoe.

The rest of the colleagues gathered around to talk about the information they have just been given.

"Right okay Cal, if you take over my patient in cubicles-" Ethan planned out but Cal cut him off.

"No, I'm working on the youngest" Cal announced causing everyone to fall into silence.

Everyone looked around at one another warily; Ethan sighed deeply "I'm not sure that's a good idea Caleb..." Ethan replied awkwardly.

"And I don't care." Cal snapped and walked off to receive his patient as soon as she came in.

" _Great_ " Ethan sighed.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello everyone! How amazing was the red button special last night? I couldn't have imagined it playing out any better it was brilliant! Truly amazing performances from Richard, George and Sarah, I can't wait to see what is to come for Cal and Ethan with the baby!**

 **Anyways, that aside, here is the next chapter which I hope you enjoy, how long is Cal going to last acting as though he's okay before he snaps? Please let me know your thoughts, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

* * *

That's what's in me – Chapter twelve

"Cal please..." Ethan pleaded as he followed his brother through to reception, "Please just think this through" he continued as they came to a halt by the doors to the ED.

Cal sighed deeply and spun on his heels to face his younger brother "Ethan just get off my back, yeah?" he warned and turned to face the doors once more.

Ethan couldn't help but feel helpless, he knew Cal - probably better than Cal knew Cal if he was to be brutally honest - but one thing he knew about Cal was that once he had his heart and mind set on something, there was no talking him out of it, nor a way of going around it, meaning he was left with two options... 1) Leave Cal to get on with whatever plan he had in mind (which was what he wanted) and leave him to face the consequences alone or 2) Help Cal with whatever plan he had in mind and they could face the consequences together.

The doors burst open and in rushed Iain and Dixie, Iain pushing a wheelchair, Dixie a trolley. Everyone sprung into action instantly, Ethan hurried alongside Iain's wheelchair in which sat a young brown-haired boy with a few cuts to his face and his leg in a splint, he scanned the room with terrified eyes. Cal on the other hand went to Dixie, who was holding a tiny oxygen mask on the face of a rather lifeless looking baby who lay in her trolley. Cal was quite taken aback at first falling behind slightly as Dixie rushed passed, "You listening Cal?" Dixie called back midway through her explaining causing Cal to snap out of it.

"Yeah, yeah I'm listening" He replied frantically as he caught up to them.

Ethan shot a glance at him "Right let's get them both in the big RESUS room please" he called as he opened the door for the young boy in the wheelchair and then kept it open for Dixie and the baby on the trolley.

He watched Cal and Dixie hurry over to a bed; Cal seemed to be getting on well so far. He turned to face his patient "Okay let's get you on this bed shall we buddy?" he smiled as he and Iain placed him on the bed, "thanks Iain" Ethan dismissed him from his work and he went to help Dixie and Cal. "Hello, I'm Doctor Hardy, can you tell me your name?" He spoke softly to the boy as he inspected his left leg.

"Peter" he boy replied sheepishly.

"Peter? Like Peter Parker? Looks like we've got Spiderman on our hands" He joked causing the boy to giggle.

"Spiderman is my favourite" He spoke excitedly.

"Well then, Mr. Parker, how old are you?" Ethan asked.

"Five, nearly six!" he replied enthusiastically.

"Woah nearly six eh?" Ethan grinned at the young boy's innocence, his smile soon dropped as he noticed Peter looking over at the baby in the other bed, "Who's that over there then Peter? Your sister?" Ethan asked as he too looked over.

"Yes that my little sister Elsa" Peter replied.

"Elsa like the Disney princess?" Ethan asked, Peter nodded, "Spiderman and Elsa the princess living under the same roof, I never imagined that happening" Ethan smiled, "Do you know how old she is?" he asked.

"She's only nine months old, is she going to die?" Peter asked causing the room to fall silent; Lofty flashed a sympathetic smile at the boy and pulled across a privacy screen to prevent the young boy from seeing his sister.

"Let's not worry about her for now okay? Let's focus on you" Ethan avoided giving the small boy an answer.

"She is isn't she?" Peter whimpered.

"Well do you see the Doctor treating her?" Ethan pointed over to Cal who was frantically worked around the small baby, Peter nodded, "That's my older brother, and he's a really good doctor so little Elsa is in the best possible hands okay?" He smiled.

"Where's my mummy and daddy?" he whimpered, "I want my mummy" he cried.

"Shh, it's okay" Robyn spoke sympathetically as she held the boy's hand.

Ethan's heart ached for small Peter; he couldn't even begin to imagine how scared this poor child must be feeling. "You can go and see them in a little while okay Peter?" Ethan told him softly as he made his way over to his bedside, "Now I don't want any tears from Spiderman in my ED, do you hear?" Ethan winked causing the boy to smile.

"Right, the cuts to his face are superficial lucky but his left leg is definitely a displaced fracture, can you book him in for an x-ray please Rita? This is probably going to need some manipulation under anaesthesia and it looks like we're going to have to work without his parent's consent as they were in the crash also, if we leave him any longer without a pulse in his foot then he'll lose it. I think if we can get him up to paediatrics they can work on his leg up there, it would be best to get him as far away from here as possible with everything that is happening with his sister and parents" Ethan whispered to Rita who nodded understandingly and hurried off to the phone. Robyn stayed at Peter's bedside talking to him to take his mind off things and Ethan walked over to see how Cal was doing, he popped his head around the privacy screen Lofty had put in place and was taken aback completely by the sight he was met by. The first thing he noticed was just how much the baby looked like little Tobi, which worried him even more when he saw Cal place a pad on her back and then one on her chest.

"Clear...shocking" Cal called as everyone stepped back away from the limp baby and watched as her tiny body jumped up and back down again on the bed. Everyone paused momentarily, "She's still in VF" Lofty sighed as he watched the baby's monitor carefully. Connie then appeared beside Ethan, she looked at him wondering why he would allow his brother to work with a baby after what he had been through, Ethan too was now thinking the same thing; he should have put his foot down.

"No, come on don't do this" Cal whimpered as he tried chest compressions again, pressing down on the baby's small chest with two fingers, "please don't die, please don't die" he whispered repeatedly in determination as tears building in his eyes, "Come on Tobes, don't do this" he whispered, his voice breaking slightly. Realisation grew upon Ethan, Connie and Lofty suddenly; they all exchanged concerned glances having heard Cal's words.

"Cal..." Ethan whispered sympathetically, he completely ignored him and continued to press down on the baby's chest with tears pouring from his eyes, "Caleb!" Ethan yelled. Cal had gotten himself far too emotionally attached to his patient; this had to end.

"Let's shock her again" Cal spoke as he finished the chest compressions.

"Caleb she's gone...it's time to call it" Ethan told him sadly.

"No! No I'm not giving up on her Ethan" Cal sniffled, "Clear...shocking!" he announced, the baby's body jumped on the bed once more and everyone fell silent, there was then the sound of a slow beep that seemed to come from nowhere.

"There-there's an output" Lofty announced in amazement. Cal let out a huge sigh of relief and brought his hands up to his face to wipe away the tears. "What now?" Lofty asked awkwardly, awaiting Cal's orders.

"Um, book her in for a CT, I'll check her over again here...you're going to be okay aren't you little one? Oh you're so strong aren't you?" He whispered as he took hold of the baby's limp hand.

"Well done" Connie praised and then shot a snarl at Ethan, "I'll talk to him" He whispered in reply and she left the room.

Lofty hurried off leaving Cal with the baby and Ethan awkwardly watching on. "Cal I still don't think it's a good idea that you treat her..." Ethan sighed.

"What? Like you thought it would be a good idea to give up on her and call it?" Cal snapped defensively.

"Alright I'll admit that was the wrong decision" Ethan stated, "But Caleb your head isn't in the right place today and that is completely understandable-" Cal cut him off.

"Oh so now you're calling me insane? Is that it Ethan? You think I've gone insane?!" He yelled as he continued to work around the baby.

Ethan watched him warily, "Caleb...this isn't Tobi, you know that right?" he spoke softly as he approached him. Cal slowly looked up at him, it was as though something had clicked inside him, "This is Elsa, she's nine months old, out there is his big brother Peter who's five he likes to watch Spiderman, she's also got a mum and a dad and they're all a family together Caleb" He explained slowly.

Cal looked down in confusion and then looked back up at Ethan, "Well, they're obviously not doing a good job looking after her if she's ended up in here now are they?" he snapped, "I'm sick of seeing babies being mistreated" he yelled.

"Their car was sideswiped Cal, it couldn't have been prevented, believe me I should know" Ethan replied in disbelief at how Cal was behaving.

"I'm going to treat her Ethan I don't care what you say" Cal protested.

"This baby is very _very_ far from out of the woods Caleb, and I don't want her death on your conscience, that's the last thing you need" Ethan admitted protectively, "if you're going to continue to treat her then I'm working with you alright? We'll deal with this together" he added.

Cal looked down at the baby, who he now saw in a completely different light, and then back up to Ethan, "she can't die Ethan, she's got an entire life to live, her first steps, her first words, her first day at school, her first love and maybe have kids of her own one day...it just feels so cruel that life should be taken away from such a tiny baby, her parents are going to miss watching her grow up, no child should ever be taken away from their loved ones" Cal stated sadly as he took hold of her hand.

"I know Caleb, I know..." Ethan sighed sympathetically.

Cal kept his eyes on the baby for a moment before he sighed deeply and let go of her hand, "I-I called her Tobi didn't I?" He whimpered. Ethan nodded slowly; he'd finally gotten through to him. It was then when Cal completely broke down. "It's okay Caleb" Ethan whispered as Cal crumbled into his arms, his body shaking with the mismatched breaths he was taking in as he sobbed, tears poured their way out of his eyes and rolled down his cheeks and dampening Ethan's blue scrubs as he held him. Ethan couldn't help but wonder how Cal, someone who always seemed so strong, someone who looked like he carried mountains on his shoulders could crumble so easily in his arms, it was as though whatever it was that was going on through his mind that he had been hiding away had finally overpowered him, he didn't have the strength to hide it any longer and it had broken him, slowly over this past week it got to him and broke him bit, by, bit; Taylor, broke him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello everyone! Happy casualty day! Can't wait to see what is to come for Cal and Ethan and their new addition. Speaking of additions...here is the next addition to my story which I hope you enjoy. How will Cal cope after his breakdown? Please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

That's what's in me – Chapter thirteen

Ethan led Cal out of the room once he'd gathered himself. He couldn't figure out why he broke down, probably because he couldn't put it down to just one thing, he actually quite shocked himself with it. There were so many moments in his life where he has chosen to hide his emotions away and block out any bad memories but recently that's seemed impossible...maybe that's why he broke down? He continued to search around his mind for any explanation as Ethan spoke out.

"You're okay Caleb" he reassured him, he must've seen the confused look on his older brother's face, but Caleb honestly couldn't figure out if he was okay or not, everything seemed so muddled in his mind, for one he couldn't bring himself to speak, he knew he'd just breakdown again. This wasn't like Cal, Cal saw crying as weakness, and to breakdown like that made him feel incredibly and pathetically weak.

"Is everything okay?" Connie asked seeing Ethan comforting his older brother who still let out uneven breaths as he desperately tried to stop himself from crying, Ethan an arm around him as he led him out of the room. Everyone –colleagues and patients- stopped what they were doing and looked towards the brothers awkwardly, no one had ever seen Cal looking so vulnerable before.

"Yes" Ethan forced out a smile at her, "I think he just needs a break" he added as he watched Cal warily still with his arm around him, he just stared toward the ground, looking lost more than anything.

"I think you working today, especially with young babies was probably not the best of ideas Cal" Connie spoke softly to Cal who nodded slowly still with his eyes on the ground, "Ethan can you take over Doctor Knight's patients?" she asked.

"Of course" Ethan nodded and picked up the notes for Cal's patients. Normally he'd put up some form of protest against taking over his brother's work or at least make a shady comment, but seeing Cal breakdown right before him made him practically jump at the opportunity to help.

"You can go home Cal" Connie whispered as she placed a hand on his arm and passed him to go to her office.

"No" Cal muttered as he lifted his head up for the first time, everyone looked at him surprised, the quiver in his voice was so prominent.

"Excuse me?" Connie turned on her heels to face him.

He took in a deep breath, "I don't want to go home, I'm okay" Cal replied unconvincingly, "really, I am" he urged.

"Right okay, how about you just get some paperwork done today then?" She suggested as she held out some notes for him to take.

Cal shook his head angrily, he didn't want to do paperwork; he wanted to treat patients, "Connie I-" she cut him off.

"Your shift is nearly up now anyway" She reasoned though there was a slight sternness to her voice.

"Fine" he spat out, he snatched the notes from her hands and stormed off to the nursing station, everyone watched him as he left.

Ethan let out a shaky breath, "How are you?" Connie asked him.

"Worried" He sighed as he pushed up his glasses, "I've never seen him breakdown like that before Mrs Beauchamp, honestly, it scared me" he admitted.

"I'll have a word" she reassured him and head off down the corridor.

Cal was sat at the nursing station aimlessly flicking through the paperwork Connie had given him, anger building up inside of him with each page turn. He could feel the eyes of those around him, watching him warily, wondering if they should speak to him or not, if he would look up they would quickly look away as if they were scared to make eye contact with him, as if they were expecting him to have another breakdown, he didn't like this. It was evident Connie had only given him the paperwork to keep him busy and away from any patients, he didn't like having special treatment, not this type of special treatment anyway.

"There he is" Robyn smiled toward Cal as stopped before him with a very poorly looking woman in a wheelchair.

The woman's face lit up, "Doctor Knight?" she asked.

Cal looked at her and then up to Robyn who nodded eagerly at him, "Yes?" he asked confused.

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" she joked causing Robyn to giggle, "don't tell my husband I said that" she added with a smile.

"Is there a reason you've asked for me or?" Cal snapped impatiently.

She smiled at him wondrously, "You saved my baby girl, Elsa, thank you so much I don't know how I'll ever repay you" she took hold of his hands in hers.

Cal paused for a moment as he looked at their hands; "I was just doing my job" he replied as he pulled his hands away from hers and looked back down at his paperwork.

She looked up at Robyn and then back to Cal, "Do you have children?" she asked.

Her words ached his heart, "...no" he replied still looking down at his notes.

"Well, when you do you'll understand the immense amount of love you have for them, I am nothing without my children, if I ever lost them I don't know what I'd do, to be honest I don't think I could carry on" she explained.

"I understand that" he replied, he really did understand that. Robyn looked at him sympathetically.

"No, you _think_ you can but you can't if you don't have kids of your own you'll never understand, I couldn't live without my kids, it would completely break me, you haven't just saved my daughter but you've saved me too, I'll forever be grateful to you Doctor Knight, you are a wonderful, wonderful person, thank you" she smiled as she took his hands in hers again.

"You shouldn't be out of bed in this state anyway..." Cal spoke awkwardly as he pulled his hands away once more and stood up, fiddling with his papers and mixing them up as if he had a reason for doing so.

"Is he always like this?" She whispered to Robyn as she wheeled her away.

He sighed deeply and held his head in his hands, he just wanted to feel normal again, that patient had described how he felt perfectly; he felt completely broken, he felt as though he had a knot in the pit of his stomach and his heart had been ripped right out of his chest...but how could he get back to normal? He just felt so tired and sick to death of everything, he knew he could go home and hide himself away from the world under the duvet of his bed, but he also knew he wouldn't be able to sleep and would just end up tearing his hair out with all his haunting thoughts so what was the point in that? It was then when he looked up and saw Lofty struggling with a drunken patient and an idea soon sprung to mind...A voice called his name which snapped him from his trail of thought.

"Cal...I've just checked and Ben Harding is free this afternoon if you want to go up for a chat" Connie informed him as she looked through the paperwork she had left him to do and then shook her head at the fact none of it had been done.

"Why would I want to do that?" He asked confused.

Dylan then stepped in, "he _is_ really good, at first I didn't want help but once I spoke to him I'll admit I did feel a lot better" he explained.

"Help?!" Cal yelled, Dylan stood looking at him eyebrows raised and hands on hips, "I don't need help" Cal added his tone now a lot calmer.

"Well, you obviously do I mean just look at you-" Connie cut Dylan off seeing Cal's face reddening.

"Okay, okay...well, the offer still stands, he is expecting you anyway" She smiled and then walked off leading a confused Dylan off with her.

Cal would never admit he needed help, his pride was too high, this was something that worried Ethan more than anything.

An hour had passed and Cal was now wishing he had taken up Connie's first offer and gone home -staring at twenty pages of paperwork he had no intention of doing and having Connie pop her head up through her office door every ten minutes to check on him- he much rather be anywhere else but here, he felt like a naughty child in detention. He gave up. He rest his head down against the counter and just hoped to God the day would end soon.

"What's happened?" He heard a voice ask, he kept his head down on the counter, he couldn't be bothered to look up to see who it was but he was pretty certain it was Rita.

"We lost the baby, little Elsa, I've just had to call it" Ethan's voice replied shakily. Cal felt his heart jump to his throat.

"Oh that's awful" she sighed in reply, "are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes, well, I will be, it's always hard when you lose a patient, but it's harder when they're babies" Ethan sighed.

"What happened?" Connie's voice asked.

"She had a pneumothorax, we caught it too late" Ethan informed her.

"A pneumothorax?" she asked surprised, "That should've been discovered in the first few moments of her being here..." she added, "Who was treating-"

Ethan cut her off, "Cal" he spoke sadly.

Connie sighed deeply, "Right okay, I suppose her death was unavoidable even if we did catch it in time" she reasoned though it was evident she felt as though her team could have done more.

"I don't want him to know it'll break his heart, it's the last thing he needs right now" Ethan added in dread.

Connie nodded in reply, "We'll just say she arrested, we won't let him know it was his fault for missing the pneumothorax" she decided,

"Where is he anyway?" Rita asked.

"I have no idea" Ethan replied, worry evident in the young doctor's voice.

"He's probably gone home, don't worry about him Ethan, go and have a break Ethan, you could use one after the day you've had" Connie proposed.

Ethan nodded slowly and Rita led him to the staffroom whereas Connie made her way back to her office.

Cal stood up and made his way through to reception, turned left and head upstairs. He could no longer explain how he felt, other than numb. He caused that baby's death, that poor mother has lost her daughter, Peter lost his little sister...it was all his fault. But what worried him most was the fact he knew the baby's death was his fault, yet, he felt nothing more than numbness, had he used up all his emotions? All his feelings? Where they all gone?

He stopped outside a door that read 'Ben Harding, councillor' on the window. He shook his head as he read it, "what have I got to lose?" he whispered to himself and knocked on the door.

"Come in" A voice called through the door.

Cal took a deep breath, opened the door and walked inside where Ben Harding was sat behind his desk, "Ah you must be..." he paused to look at his computer, "Doctor Caleb Knight" Ben smiled as he stood up and held out his hand.

"Call me Cal" Cal informed him as he shook his hand.

"Well then, it's a pleasure to meet you Cal, I'm Ben Harding" he smiled, "Well, you probably already know that otherwise why else would you knock on my door?" he laughed to himself and sat back down.

Cal looked at him confused. "Oh please, take a seat" he smiled and gestured to the seat in front of his desk which Cal sat down in.

He scanned the room awkwardly and then looked back to Ben who was awaiting him to speak, "Why do I feel like I'm back in school and have been sent to the head teacher's office for doing something bad?" Cal joked lightly.

"Oh it's quite the opposite in here, I'm here to help you, not call your parents and tell on you" Ben continued Cal's joking in reply, "Connie told me you probably wouldn't be up to see me today, what changed?" Ben asked. Cal looked at him warily, "Anything you say in here is completely confidential, just think of me as a brick wall that can offer help...brick walls can't exactly go around blabbing can they?" he laughed to himself again.

Cal sighed deeply, "A patient has just died because I missed a pneumothorax" he informed him.

"Right, well it's an easy mistake...was that the first patient to die in your care?" he asked trying to get an understanding.

"No, she wasn't even in my care anymore she was in Ethan's..." his voice trailed off as he thought, "Ethan is my brother, he's a doctor in the ED too. The patient, she was only nine months old and I know is should have checked her over properly but..." he trailed off once again.

"Losing a child patient must be incredibly hard" Ben sympathised, "but if the baby died in your brother's care, why isn't he the one talking to me now?" he asked, "why did Ethan take over treating your patient Cal?" he asked.

"Because I um...I wasn't up for it, today of all days. I thought I was but, I wasn't" Cal replied as he thought back.

"Why today of all days?" Ben asked confused.

"It's a long story" Cal shrugged in reply.

"But it's relevant?" Ben asked, Cal nodded, "well then, I've got all day" he smiled.

Cal visibly deflated as he gave in; he took a deep breath and began...


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello everyone! So flibbertigibbet has a name...Matilda Knight after their mother HOW CUTE!**

 **Anyways, here is the next chapter of this story, what will come from Cal's session with Ben? Find out in this chapter, I hope you enjoy, please let me know your thoughts, thanks Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter fourteen

"Last year, around Christmas time I met a girl, Taylor. I thought I loved her, I even planned to propose, she made me happy...it was the first time in- _a while_ , that I'd been happy again. She ran this charity for orphaned children in poor countries or something, I can't really remember to be honest I've spend the last few months trying to blank everything out. Anyway, she told me she would have to leave unless she had money to help her charity, £15k is what she needed, she asked me to give it to her but I didn't have that sort of money, but I knew my brother did. I took the money from his account and donated it to the charity, I was going to get the money back before he even knew it was gone but then...then Taylor wouldn't answer my calls and I couldn't find her- she turned out to be a con artist and my brother got her arrested, I hadn't heard from her since...that was until last week. A baby was placed on my doorstep out of the blue with a note from Taylor saying she the baby was mine and that she couldn't look after her and so she was my responsibility from then on. A first I didn't believe it but this baby..." he paused as he reminisced, a smile graced his face, "she was beautiful, she was so ill and Taylor hadn't even got her immunisations done, she nearly died but she didn't, she was so so strong, her name is Tobi by the way. She's so wonderful, she would always look up at me with this look, her blue eyes were so big, she'd kick her legs about and giggle away- she was wonderful. But then a few days ago Taylor turned up to take her away from me, she told me Tobi wasn't mine. It was another one of her cons to get back at me for getting her arrested. I ran away at first, I took Tobes and I went to stay at a friend's house, I wanted to protect her, I could give her a good life but Taylor, she doesn't even love her...My friend, Dixie whose house I was staying in, she's a paramedic here, she helped me with Tobi, she's so good with babies a swear she's a miracle worker, she helped me get the baby settled and then she told me that Ethan-my brother- had been beaten up by Taylor's husband- oh yeah, I probably should have mentioned that, she has a husband who is a con artist too, they've been married for nine years, they con together. I only found that out the other day though...When I was staying in Dixie's I released how stupid I was being, I'd put Ethan in danger and God knows how far they'll go, their con artists they can do anything, Taylor left me a voice mail saying where she would be the next day for me to give Tobi up 'or else...' and so early hours the next morning I went to meet her and I gave Tobi back to her, she wouldn't stop crying when I gave her back, neither could I to be honest. I went to get drunk after that, I can't really remember much. Then I came into work this morning, I just wanted to get back to normal but then little Tobi- I mean Elsa...The baby, she looked so much like Tobi and after a while of treating her I began to think she _was_ Ethan made me see sense though but it freaked me out, I was convinced she was Tobi, I just suddenly felt like I've been living a lie, even if it was just for a few moments, I didn't feel safe in my own head and I broke down, Ethan took over treating Elsa and you know the rest..." He sighed as he finished and looked down towards the ground.

"Wow" Ben spoke out, "so...how are you feeling now?" he asked.

"Like I always do- a waste of space" Cal whispered.

"What makes you say that?" Ben asked confused.

"I've always thought that about myself, but then a few months a got I called it by a patient and it really hit home – I must have looked like a waste of space to everyone else too – so I wanted to change, to commit to something...at first I wanted to work towards being a consultant but then I failed my FCEMs, then I was given Tobi. What's bigger than having the commitment of raising a baby? I felt like I finally had a purpose, this little human relied on me completely for absolutely everything and that thought made me feel important, like I was needed for something for once, without me she had no one" Cal smiled as he thought back, Ben nodded along understandingly as he listened, Cal's smile quickly dropped, "But then Taylor came back to take Tobes and I realised without me she did have someone, she had a mum and a _real_ dad, 'Do you honestly believe I would be stupid enough to have a baby to a waste of space like you?' – They were Taylor's exact words to me and I can't get them out of my head, when I drink it helps, but the second I get sober again I'm back to square one again being nothing but a waste of space, a nobody." He held his head in his hands tightly, as if he were desperately trying to rid his brain of Taylor's words that run hauntingly around his head. "I made a fool out of myself for loving a kid that wasn't even mine, I completely changed my life around and then Taylor- she came and she took the one thing in my life that made me truly happy and I just look like an idiot in front of everyone" He explained.

"So she made you feel small in front of the people who you've built a reputation up with?" he asked understandingly.

Cal nodded.

"Were you one of the doctors involved in the crash last year?" he asked.

Cal was shocked at the mention of this at first, "No" he replied, "Ethan was though, he was the driver" he explained.

"I knew I'd heard that name before" Ben stated in realisation, "Ethan Hardy?" he asked.

"That's right" Cal replied confused, "He nearly died, I was the only doctor who could treat him, he had a pneumothorax and I'd missed it, but we caught it in time luckily so he's fine now" Cal informed him.

"And how did you feel at the time?" Ben asked.

Cal looked at him in shock, "Well, how would you feel if you little brother was brought in and practically died before you?!" he snapped, "sorry...I felt horrible, he's the only person I have left and I didn't want to lose him, he had always been there for me and this was the only time I'd had to repay the favour, he almost died because I couldn't bring myself to stick the needle in his chest. I promised mum on her deathbed that I'd look after him, seeing him lying there with blood all over his face and bruises all over his chest...I felt like I let her down" He explained as tears built in his eyes once more.

"Well you saved him, without you he wouldn't be here today so you didn't let him down, or your mother...I just want you to know that" Ben reassured him with a smile, which Cal returned, "do you and your brother argue a lot?" he asked.

"Yes" Cal laughed, "We're complete opposites, he was always the little goodie two shoes kiss up, we'd fight a lot when we were younger but after the crash last year we got closer, I think we both realised we only had each other. I'd never hit him though, he's hit me more times than I've hit him, I'd never purposely hurt him" Cal explained.

"Just normal brotherly relationship then" Ben laughed, "When did your mother pass away?" Ben asked.

Cal cleared his throat before he spoke, "January last year" he replied and he looked toward the ground once more.

"I'm sorry to hear that, so it looks like you've been through a lot in this last year haven't you?" Ben asked stunned.

"I suppose" Cal replied, he hadn't really thought of that before.

"Well, as long and as complicated as that story may be, I'm here to help you Cal, help you get through this dark period in your life, I'm glad you've come to me today, there's no way you could have gotten through your problem on your own" Ben informed him.

Something he said suddenly got to him, "I don't have a problem." Cal snapped as he looked up at him, "And I _could_ get through this on my own...in fact I _will_ get through this on my own. I don't need _your_ help; I don't need anyone's help." He shouted as he stood up suddenly.

"I understand; your pride is too high to admit you have a problem, I get that. I actually admire that...but you can't keep quiet forever Cal, you saw it today your thoughts got too much for you and you broke down, how many times is that going to happen before you drink yourself to death?" Ben asked knowingly, Cal watched him warily. "You can trust me, everything you say in here is completely confidential-" Cal cut him off.

"Unless I say something that may cause harm to me or anyone else then you have to speak out yeah I get it." He snapped. He looked toward the door and then back to Ben debating whether to run, run and hide again, like he always did.

"Listen Caleb, I know you're scared, it must be scary being in your head now, all your thoughts are so darkening..." Ben spoke slowly, "But depression isn't something to be scared of, with the right help-"

Cal felt his heart sink, his body turned completely to jelly and he sunk back down into the chair, "I-I'm sorry what?" he asked in shock.

"Depression" Ben repeated.

Cal looked down as he tried to comprehend what the councillor had just said to him, "You're saying this has given me depression?" he whispered.

"It's very rare for someone to just simply 'get' depression, honestly? I don't think this is something new, I think you might have had it for a long time by the sounds of things; I think it is symptomatic of deeper problems...how was your childhood?" Ben asked as he wrote down in a notebook he had on his desk.

"Fine thanks." Cal replied as he leaned forward to try and get a look at what Ben was writing.

"Happy?" Ben asked.

"Extremely." Cal replied unenthusiastically.

"How about your parents?" Ben asked looking up to read his facial expression.

Cal looked down, "what about them?" he shrugged.

"Was your mum a good mother?" Ben urged.

Cal nodded, "...she was the best" he smiled.

"And your dad a good father?" Ben asked.

Cal paused for a moment, he didn't know how to reply to that,"- can I get back to work now? I've got paperwork to do" he avoided the question.

"Why are you a Knight whereas your brother is a Hardy?" Ben asked.

"I took my mother's maiden name" Cal replied, he suddenly felt even more uncomfortable being here, he fiddled about in his chair desperate to leave before he got any deeper into his past.

"Why?" Ben asked, taking a note of Cal's sudden change in attitude; it was evident he was avoiding something.

"I just told you- she was the best" Cal replied, avoiding making any eye contact with Ben.

"So why didn't Ethan take his mother's maiden name too?" Ben shrugged.

"I don't know" Cal shrugged as he tugged on the sleeves of his jacket; his palms had suddenly started sweating.

"You must do..." Ben urged, Cal didn't reply he used continued to fiddle awkwardly in front of him. Ben sighed deeply, it was time to call it a day, it was evident whatever Cal was hiding he wasn't going to speak out about, "Fine I'm going to write you time off work until we can get to the bottom of this-"

Cal cut him off suddenly, his hidden past practically bursting from him, "Because dad didn't hit Ethan, he idolised him, me? I was just a punch bag for when he came home drunk every night" he sighed as he looked down, and again he visibly deflated once more.

Ben watched him warily, "Did he get drunk a lot?" he asked softly.

Cal nodded.

"And he would always take it out on you?" Ben asked.

He nodded once more, the vulnerable look from earlier on had now come back to him.

"Do you not see everything adding up now Cal?" Ben spoke out as he looked down at his notebook.

"Not really no- I think you're just making me think about the things I've spent the last fifthteen years of my life trying to block out" Cal roared as he stormed toward the door.

Ben sighed and began, "The reason you didn't walk away from Tobi is because you wanted to be a good dad to her- unlike the dad you had, it angers you when you see children being mistreated, because you were once in their place. Tobi has been taken from you and you can't be a good dad anymore, because you no longer have a daughter anymore and you feel like a failure like how your dad was. You want her back to prove you can be a good dad? No. I think you want her back to prove to yourself that you're nothing like your father yet you go out and drink your sorrows away, just like he did. Tobi made you feel important, now she's gone so has that feeling of importance. You took your mother's name so you can't be anything like your dad, not even down to the name but names don't change who you are Caleb. Tell me...when you and your father argued, did you ever call him a waste of space?" Ben asked.

Cal was stood frozen and the door with his back to Ben, he held his head down, "...yes" he whispered.

"And there we have it. They're known as triggers, things from you past that can suddenly take you back there, to a place you don't want to be, a place you try and block out in your life" Ben explained as he made his way over to Cal. He was surprised to find he had tears tracing his cheeks, "Caleb, I know you don't like to admit you want help but you need it okay? And I promise I can give you that, I'll make you feel back to normal again but I need you to allow me to help you or you'll be stuck in his dark place for a while do you understand?" Ben asked softly.

Cal nodded slowly, "You're in no place to work at the moment, I'll tell Connie you need some time off work-" Cal looked up at him suddenly with widened eyes, "I don't worry, I won't tell her about your depression, it's up to you to tell people that...confidentiality remember?" he smiled reassuringly, "You did well today Caleb, we'll soon get you feeling safe in your own mind again okay?" He promised as he held his hand out for Cal to shake. Cal wiped his tears away from his face and then threw his arms around Ben, pulling him in for a hug.

"Thank you" He whispered.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hello everyone! Here is another update to this story, I should be posting more regularly from now on, I hope you enjoy this chapter, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter fifthteen

After a rather sleepless night on both accounts, Ethan was up and ready for work whereas Cal had offered to drop Ethan off as his first day of time off work was today and he didn't like the thought of being stuck indoors all day.

"So where did you get to yesterday?" Ethan asked as he sat in the passenger's seat of the car, "The pub?" He added knowingly.

"I went up to see Ben Harding _actually_ " Cal corrected his brother smugly.

"Oh really? That's good...what did he have to say?" Ethan asked surprised.

Cal debated telling his brother all but his mouth seemed to start talking before he had a chance to finish thinking, "He just said I had a bit of a breakdown, a midlife type of thing, apparently they're quite common and especially with Taylor and other things going on it's no wonder I didn't have one sooner" he explained.

Ethan paused momentarily to take in what Cal had just told him and also think of an appropriate response, "Right well, we can start moving forward now can't we? Is Ben helping you from now on? Remember when Dylan had his breakdown? Now he's practically back to his normal nasty blunt-talking self, this Harding guy must be good" he praised.

"I don't need help and don't you _dare_ compare me to Dylan. I see how everyone talks about him behind his back and acts like he's completely mental, he's only just been allowed out of treating patients in cubicles Ethan I'm not going to be like him, he only has OCD God forbid he had something deeper he probably would lose his job" Cal ranted defensively.

"I wasn't comparing you to Dylan Cal, why are you so edgy?" Ethan asked stunned, "I only wanted to know if you were going to see Ben again" he muttered.

"No." Cal snapped, "There, there's your answer...no I'm not" he repeated as he pulled up outside the hospital.

Ethan looked at him in shock, "Caleb, are you okay?" He asked sympathetically as his brother rested his head against the steering wheel.

"I'm fine" Cal replied.

"...I heard you crying last night" Ethan stated carefully as he thought back to the weeping and sobbing he could hear through the wall of his brother's bedroom.

Cal sighed deeply.

"Caleb its okay to admit you need help sometimes, you know that right? God, after the crash it took me weeks to get back into the swing of things and you know who it was that helped me through it?" He asked, Cal shook his head, "Honey did. Everyone needs help sometimes Cal, you just have to be brave enough to ask for it" Ethan stated. "Look, how about we eat out after my shift tonight? Have a proper talk about everything yeah? I'm here for you Caleb, whether you want help or not" Ethan added protectively.

"Okay, get yourself to work before you end up being late" Cal replied, avoiding any proper talk for now.

"Okay dad take a chill pill" Ethan replied sarcastically but seeing Cal's eye roll in response he realised his brother obviously didn't see the humour in his remark, "sorry, bad joke..."

"I'll have to go before Mrs Beauchamp comes because you're in her spot she'll have our guts for garters, I don't see why we can't just park over there by the bins, the ambulances don't park there is pretty much just a waste of space...anyway, I wouldn't like to be one to anger the boss. Thanks for the lift, please don't do anything stupid, yeah?" He smiled and left to get on with his day of work, no matter how wrong it felt leaving his older brother in the car when it was so obvious he wasn't in a good place and needed help.

* * *

A few hours into Ethan's shift and he hadn't had any messages or calls from Cal which brought him both relief and concern. He decided to think as positively as he could "no news is good news" was the saying he had tracing his mind, that was until Connie approached him at the nursing station looking far than impressed.

"Ethan, your car is parked in my space you'll have to move it immediately" her stern voice warned.

He looked at her confused, "No, no that's impossible, I didn't bring my car to work today Cal dropped me off hours ago" he explained.

"Follow me" Connie huffed and hurried off down the corridor, Ethan reluctantly followed behind her. He followed her all the way through reception and out to the car park, where much to his surprise he found his car still parked in the place Cal had pulled up to drop him off this morning.

He examined it warily, "Oh I'm sorry Mrs Beauchamp it seems you're right, but...where's Cal?" he asked.

"Perhaps he's gone up to see Ben" Connie suggested impatiently.

"No, he made it obvious that won't be happening again...hang on..." He looked over to the pub and realisation overpowered him.

"Right well wherever he is, it's the least of my worries as long as you get that car moved in the next ten minutes or I'll get it removed myself" She warned as Ethan still watched the pub, dreading what he would find as he went in, "Understood?" Connie urged snapping him from his trail of thought.

"Understood" he nodded and made his way over to the pub.

He walked in to find Cal sat the bar, drink in hand, mid-conversation with the barman.

"Caleb!" Ethan roared as he approached him.

"What?" Cal asked oblivious as he turned to see him.

"What are you doing in here?! It's not even 12 noon! Is this what you've become?" Ethan stated in disappointment.

"I've got time off and I fancied a drink, you're acting like I do this all the time, take a chill pill Nibbles" Cal slurred in reply.

"You're meant to spend the time off getting your head together not getting drunk! I can't believe you Cal, if _this_ is your way of dealing with the struggles in your life then there's no point in me trying to help you- I give up" Ethan warned.

"Fine, I don't need your help anyway" Cal shrugged seeming uninterested.

"Are you even allowed to serve alcohol this early?" Ethan snapped at the barman.

"It's my pub I can do whatever I want" The barman scoffed in reply.

"Well can't you see he's not in any fit state to be drinking? You should have refused to serve him" Ethan continued protectively.

However this caused something to snap suddenly within Cal, "Woah woah okay stop. Don't be talking like I'm not sat right here Ethan, who do you think you are ordering me around and telling me what I can and can't do? It's my life and I can do whatever the hell I want with it now go away Ethan, I'm going to get pissed" He turned away from him and downed his pint in one before ordering two more loud enough for Ethan to hear.

Though Ethan only saw this as a childish move, "Give me your keys" he sighed as he walked around so he was in front of Cal again and held his hand out to.

"You're seriously kicking me out?" Cal spat out as he pulled out his keys.

"It's half eleven in the morning Caleb and you're drunk." Ethan argued as he took them, "I want the car keys, not your house keys, I don't want you driving in this state" He explained as he took off the car keys from Cal's set, he placed them in the pocket of his scrubs and turned to leave.

He had lost all faith he had in his brother. He quite frankly didn't care anymore; Cal obviously wasn't helping himself so why should he try?

"Doctor Hardy..." Connie began as he made his way through to the nursing station.

"My car has been moved now Mrs Beauchamp, sorry for any inconvenience caused, it won't happen again I can assure you" he stated as he hurried past her.

"Ethan?" she asked confused due to the uncharacteristic almost mournful tone to his voice, he stopped on the spot and sighed "Is everything okay?" she continued, he looked down towards the ground, "did you find Cal?" she asked.

"Yes I did" he replied disappointment evidently clear in his voice.

Just as Connie was about to open her mouth to talk to him again she was cut off by Ben Harding, "Connie, Cal was meant to come up an hour ago for a session, have you heard from him at all?" he asked.

"Oh..." she replied and gestured toward Ethan.

"You won't be seeing him today unless you go across the road to the pub which is where he's been since nine o clock this morning" Ethan stated.

"That's a shame, he seemed really eager to start yesterday" Ben sighed, "You must be Ethan" he smiled at him.

"Yes...that's right" Ethan replied warily, "listen don't waste your time trying to help him Ben, leave him to help himself to drink, help someone else who actually deserves and wants your help" he spat out and stormed off down the corridor, Ben followed closely behind.

"Ethan, Ethan wait- you can't give up on him, he needs you, now more than ever" He called as he grabbed Ethan's arm and pulled him back.

"What?" he asked confused as to why Ben seemed so desperate to get through to him, "What has he said to you?" he continued.

"Conversations between clients are confidential and so I can't tell you that" Ben replied professionally.

But Ethan was having none of it, "Unless he or someone else is being put in danger right? Now my older brother is out there getting drunk out of his mind first thing in the morning, he refused to give me his car keys earlier and so if he drives whilst he's drunk then he is putting everyone's lives, including his own life in danger, am I right?" He lied thinking on his feet but Ben didn't reply, "I'm his brother, and if he needs help then I need to know what's wrong with him" Ethan urged, but again Ben stayed silent eager to protect his job, "Ben please, you're worrying me, forget confidentiality this is my brother's life you're hiding away" Ethan was now practically begging, of course he cared about Cal, he was all he had in the world _to_ care about...

Ben sighed and gave in seeing how concerned the Doctor was for his older brother, "He told me everything, he told me about Taylor, Tobi, he told me about his mother passing, he told me about nearly losing you in the crash last year and about how you were the only one who has ever been there for him through everything, he even told me about what his father used to do to him" He explained.

"...he told you about dad?" Ethan whispered in utter shock, "He's never spoken about dad" he added.

"Ethan Cal is in a really bad place and he needs all the support he can get" Ben replied softly.

"You said he had a breakdown right? A midlife crisis, he'll be okay" Ethan replied trying to convince himself that that in fact was true.

"He has depression Ethan" Ben concluded, Ethan completely froze with shock, "...Ethan?" Ben called.

"Y-you, you mean he's got depression and I've just told him I'm giving up on him?" Ethan asked as tears built in his eyes but he forced them back, "I need to go and get him" he called as he hurried off.

Ben dragged him back once again, "No no Ethan stay at work, just act how you normally would and allow him to tell you in his own time, he obviously hasn't told you the truth for a reason. I had to tell you because you were going to give up and I didn't want that, please don't let him know you know but just don't give up on him yeah? He needs you" Ben pleaded, it took Ethan a moment but he agreed though all he wanted to do was apologise and care for his older brother who he now held even more closely to his heart.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello everyone! Here is another update, I hope you all enjoy, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter sixteen

After Ethan had found about Cal's condition the remainder of his shift dragged, the fact that all he wanted to do was go and find his brother and make up after their argument played a huge part on his never ending shift, but finally the time had come to go home.

"Pub!" Max announced as he put his arm around Lofty and head out the ED doors, their colleagues following closely behind, "How much do you want to bet that Cal is still in there now?" Max spoke mischievously.

"There's no way he could be, no one can last that long!" Lofty argued.

"You obviously don't know Cal how I know Cal my friend..." Max grinned as they stopped at the doors of the pub, "If he's still in there, you get in the first round, if he's not I do, deal?" he held out his hand for Lofty to shake.

"What do you think Ethan?" Lofty looked toward him for help on his bet.

"Me? I think you shouldn't make my brother the topic of discussion or the centre of any bets being placed. Everyone knows what he's been through recently he needs people to be there for him not placing bets on his misery" He spat out and brushed passed them into the pub.

Max and Lofty exchanged confused glances as Ethan's outburst..."Deal" Lofty whispered as he shook Max's hand.

They both walked in and scanned the room excitedly; Cal was nowhere to be seen "looks like you're buying the first round Max" Lofty grinned. Ethan let out a sigh of relief hopefully this meant Cal had seen sense and gone home.

"Wait..." Max replied stunned as he looked around the room, he was so sure Cal would be in the pub and there he was...sat in the corner asleep and slumped across the table, drink in one hand and Tobi's pink blanket in the other, "say that again Lofty?" Max replied smugly as he pointed towards their drunkenly passed out colleague.

Ethan made his way over to his sleeping brother and took a seat beside him; Max sat at his other side.

Lofty sighed deeply and made his way over to the bar, "first round is on me!" he announced enthusiastically.

"Really?" Robyn asked impressed as she took a seat at a table beside Lily and Rita, "We'll have a bottle of champagne!" He called to him jokingly.

"Each!" Rita added as they giggled.

"Cal mate, do you want another drink? Lofty's buying" Max told him as he nudged him, he let out an angered groan at the fact he'd been disturbed in reply and fell quickly back asleep causing Max to chuckle, "he's completely out of it" he laughed.

Ethan watched him sadly, "Lofty, can you get a glass of water for Cal please?" he called over to him.

Cal opened his eyes having heard his brother's voice and looked up at him "what are you doing here?" he slurred as he sat up, "I thought you said you were giving up on me?" he added as he brought his drink up to his mouth and finished it off. Max awkwardly left to help Lofty carry the drinks from the bar and leave the two brothers to talk.

"I didn't mean what I said Cal, I'm sorry. I'm here for you" Ethan replied carefully.

"What changed that?" Cal asked confused.

"Nothing changed Cal, I'm here for you like I've always been, I shouldn't have said what I did this morning" he stated, he watched as Cal placed his head in his hands.

"I know I shouldn't have come here this morning, I just had to drink, it helps me get my mind off things for a while" Cal stated as he sighed, Ethan stayed silent allowing his brother to talk. Cal took a deep breath and pulled his head out of his hands, Ethan looked into his brother's tear-filled eyes, "I wasn't completely honest with you this morning..." Cal began, his voice almost a whisper, "Ben did tell me I had a breakdown" he stated, "He said I have depression" he whimpered as his tears escaped his eyes.

"Oh Caleb..." Ethan sighed and pulled out a handkerchief from his shirt pocket to hand to his brother but he pushed his hand away and instead wiped his tears away with his hands.

"Ugh, I'm so sick of crying Ethan" he swallowed hard, "It's all I've been doing lately but..." he stopped himself as he felt more tears fall from his eyes, he again wiped them away quickly with the back of his hand.

"We'll get through this Cal, together. Okay?" Ethan flashed him a reassuring smile.

"Look, have the water Lofty brings and we head home okay? I'm just going to the bathroom, will you be okay while I'm gone?" he asked, Cal nodded and Ethan made his way over to the toilets.

"Here you go mate" Max smiled as he handed Cal his glass of water, he and Lofty took a seat with him, "It's not vodka unfortunately" Max told him with a chuckle.

"I'm done with drinking for today anyway" Cal forced out a smile as he took a sip of his water.

"I was saying to Lofty before how we haven't been to town in a while, I reckon we should all go out soon, like the old days, I reckon those strippers will be concerned for our welfare we were in there almost every week" Max stated causing Lofty and Cal to laugh along.

Suddenly Cal's phone rang, it was an unknown number. Usually he wouldn't answer unknown numbers but something drawn him to this call, it felt like he _had_ to answer this call for some reason.

"Hello?" he answered it.

"Is Ethan with you?" a woman's voice replied.

"What?" Cal asked confused.

"Answer the question" the voice urged.

"Yes" Cal replied.

"Do as I say, say hello again as if you can't hear me" she ordered.

"...Hello?" Cal spoke out.

"Excuse yourself and go outside to talk" she ordered again.

"...Tell Ethan when he comes back I've just gone outside, I can't get signal in here" Cal told Max and Lofty. He picked up Tobi's blanket and hurried off outside.

"Who is this?" Cal spat out down the phone.

"Cal I need to talk to you" the voice replied.

Realisation grew upon him suddenly, "Taylor? How dare you call me, do you honestly think I want to stand here and listen to you after what you-" she cut him off.

"Please Cal just hear me out" she called desperately down the phone; It was then when Cal heard the sound of a baby crying in the background, it was a cry he knew well.

"Is that Tobi?" he asked as tears built in his eyes again.

"Shut up!" he heard Taylor scream and the baby's cry increase.

"Don't shout at her!" Cal shouted protectively down the phone.

"Cal I can't cope, she won't stop crying, she hasn't stopped crying since you gave her back to me, it's driving me insane" she told him, her voice was almost a cry.

"I think you turned insane a long time ago..." he scoffed.

"Cal please, take her back, I can't deal with her, you can you were so good to her" she begged.

"What?" Cal asked stunned, had he really just heard her correctly? "Taylor don't be ridiculous, if I can handle a baby then surely anyone can-" she cut him off again.

"No Cal, she hates me" Taylor cried.

"Well, that's understandable" Cal replied.

"Please help me Cal" she asked.

"Why should I?" Cal laughed in reply.

"Because you love Tobi, I know you do" she replied.

Cal sighed deeply, he couldn't deny that, "Well what do you want me to do Taylor- she isn't my daughter" he replied bluntly.

"You can have her Cal, I don't want her, this all started off as a con but God Cal you're so good with her and she misses you, I know she does" Taylor informed him.

He felt his heart ache but he kept strong, "I thought I was a waste of space?" he asked, using her own words against her.

"I'm sorry Cal, for everything I am but please you have to take her back, I can't live like this, _we_ can't live like this" She begged, "Look, I'll take you tomorrow and put your name on her birth certificate so she'll be yours" she urged.

"But she's _not_ mine" Cal protested.

"That doesn't matter, I can _make_ her yours" Taylor replied, "Cal she needs her daddy, she loves you" she added.

Cal thought about it, he thought about having Tobi back, about being a dad again, about being happy again...it was all so tempting, "how do I know this isn't another Con Taylor?" he sighed as he leaned back against the wall.

"Trust me Cal, after tomorrow you'll never see me again, you'll never even hear from me again _I promise you_. Me and my husband we've got plane tickets to America, we're staying there for a month or so and then hopefully staying over there for good, I need to move on, I need to move away. We're leaving tomorrow whether you come to get Tobi or not" she warned.

"Well what are you going to do if I don't take her? We're will she go?" He asked desperately.

"There are others. I could leave her on other men's doorsteps who I slept with around the same time I was with you, let me think...there was Darren, he was a drug dealer but he didn't half spoil me, oh and there was Johnny, he wasn't a drug dealer, he _was_ an addict though, he'll be dead within the year he was too hooked...hmm who else? Oh how could I forget Andy? He stabbed me when I told him the truth, he wouldn't let me leave him but I ran away, that was when you found me in the park bathrooms that time" She told him, "but who knows, he could be a good dad? He only hit me a few times-" Cal cut her off; he couldn't to listen to this anymore.

"Stop! Just stop. None of those people are safe people Taylor you can't leave Tobi with them" he spat out.

"I know, but they're my only options" she replied.

He closed his eyes tightly as he thought; did he really need this on top of his newly discovered diagnosis? "I'll meet you" he whispered.

"Good." She replied, "Same place you gave her back, tomorrow 7am, be there." He informed him, "thank you Cal, you're the best person I know" she told him and the phone went dead.

"Oh what have I done?" he whispered to himself as he sunk down onto a nearby bench and held his Tobi's blanket up to his face as he cried.

"Ready?" A familiar voice called; it was Ethan's.

"Yeah, let's go home" Cal replied and stuffed the blanket in his back pocket.

"I thought you'd done a runner on me then" Ethan laughed as they made their way to the car, "we're going get through this Cal okay? The way you're feeling now; it _will_ pass, you _will_ get better." Ethan told him, "I know this is really cheesy but I'm proud of you Caleb, yeah you might have gone and gotten drunk today but just think how different things would be if you didn't give Tobi back? You would probably have been arrested for abducting her and imagine how hard it would dealing with your thoughts in prison? I know it killed you giving her up but it was the right thing to do, it was the brave thing to do. You're going to be okay Cal, now Taylor is gone you can move on" he smiled.

Although his brother's words were meant to be comforting, he was filled with guilt. He fiddled with Tobi's blanket in his hands as he sat in the passenger's seat of the car, he was excited about getting to see the baby again but he knew within himself he wasn't up for being a father again, he just hoped his gut feeling was wrong and he could deal with this. Tobi gave him a purpose, and a part of him felt as though this would bring his purpose back. Only tomorrow would he find out the truth...


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello everyone! Here's another update to this story, I hope you enjoy it. Just thought I'd say thanks for the reviews in pervious chapters, I always love reading your thoughts on them! I hope you have a wonderful day, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter seventeen

The next day Cal was awoken by his phone ringing.

"Hello?" he mumbled as he answered it, still half asleep.

"Where are you Cal? You were meant to meet me half an hour ago please say you're coming I can't do this, I can't be a mother Cal please-" Cal cut Taylor off who was on the verge of crying to him down the phone.

"Taylor?" he asked as realisation grew upon him, memories of their phone call last night flashing through his mind, "What time is it?"

"Half seven" she told him, "please say you're coming, she won't stop crying, I'm losing my mind" she begged.

"I'll be there Taylor, give me ten minutes yeah?" he told her as he jumped up to get ready.

"Ten minutes? Cal I can't stand another ten minutes of her crying, I need to get away" she spoke desperately.

"Yes you can Taylor, you need to calm down or you're going to have a panic attack, just take some deep breaths, I'll be there before you know it" he reassured her.

"Promise?" she asked, she sounded so vulnerable.

"Yes I promise, just hang on" he promised her and the phone went dead.

This was probably the only time in his life he had ever felt any sympathy for Taylor, and he knew after everything she had put him through he shouldn't be feeling anything but hatred for her, however hearing her then he felt as though he could relate to her- somehow. Perhaps it was the fact she felt as though she was losing her mind too, as Cal did, and he wanted to help...everyone deserves help.

Once dressed he hurried downstairs, not giving himself anytime to stop and think about the world's worst hangover he was currently experiencing. He rushed into the living room where he and Ethan would always keep the car keys on the side cabinet, however they weren't there. It was then he remembered Ethan taking them off him in the pub yesterday morning, he sighed deeply and head back upstairs. He didn't have enough time to play hide and seek with the car keys; Taylor was on the verge of a breakdown. He entered Ethan's room that was still in complete darkness, he could hear the sound of his sleeping brother breathing as he sneaked his way in. He used to torch from his phone to look around, he looked on his bedside table; they weren't there. He shone the torch on his brother's face; he was filled completely with guilt. He knew Ethan only wanted the best for him and to help him get better, Cal had promised to let him in and let him help but what he was about to do felt right to him, though he knew Ethan wouldn't approve. Getting back on topic he paused to think, the keys could be in could be in his pants...but Ethan being Ethan didn't leave stuff lying about, no matter how tired he was he would always ensure to tidy his clothes away at the end of the day; the car keys could be anywhere and Cal was losing time. He had no other option but to wake his brother up.

"Ethan?" he whispered, Ethan didn't budge. "Ethan?" he called this time causing his younger brother to stir; he gave him a nudge.

"Hmm?" he mumbled, still very much asleep.

"Where are the car keys?" Cal asked.

"Um, on the side cabinet where they always are?" Ethan yawned in reply as he rolled over to sleep.

"No Ethan they're not!" Cal shouted impatiently startling Ethan from his sleep, "You took them off me in the pub yesterday remember? You had them now where are they?" he urged.

Ethan sat up in his bed and ran his hands through his hair as he thought, "Check my grey pants, they're in that drawer over there" he pointed to it, Cal hurried over, "Or my blazer...that's in my wardrobe" he told him as he thought back, Cal slammed the drawer closed and rushed to the wardrobe, "or my cardigan, that should be next to my blazer" Ethan told him, Cal sighed deeply as he continued his search, "or my blue shirt..." Ethan added awkwardly as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"You've got to be kidding me?!" Cal spat out angrily.

"What's the rush anyway?!" Ethan spat back, "Why are you up this early you don't have work?" he asked.

Cal paused for a moment to think, "...I've got an appointment with Ben Harding, I want to show him I'm ready to work on getting better and showing up late won't work will it?" he replied.

"Oh...I'll come with you" Ethan replied enthusiastically as he pulled back the covers to get ready.

"No Ethan!" Cal shouted desperately.

Ethan looked at him confused.

"I'd rather go on my own, don't worry I'll be fine, plus you were in work all yesterday and didn't get in until early hours with me have a lie in" Cal told him acting more calm.

"Are you sure? I'm up now anyway" Ethan replied.

"Yes I'm sure...Ethan these keys aren't in your blazer or your cardigan or your shirt or your pants!" Cal sighed angrily as he finished looking and slammed the wardrobe door shut.

You could practically make out the light bulb above Ethan's head, "My briefcase!"

Cal rolled his eyes and picked up his brother's briefcase, emptying it all out on his bed as he continued his search, "there" Ethan picked them out and handed them to his brother, "Good luck at your appointment, you're doing the right thing" he smiled at him and Cal was gone, he listened to the sound of the car accelerating quickly off down the road.

Ethan packed everything back into his briefcase neatly and lay back down to sleep with the safe thought that his brother going to get help soothing him, but as he drifted back off he was awoken by a phone ringing; it was Cal's.

"Hello?" He answered it.

"Cal?" A woman's voice called desperately down the phone.

"Um no, this is his brother Ethan, he's left his phone at home but I can take a message for you if you would like?" Ethan replied.

"Never mind!" the voice replied, realising who it was.

Ethan too hit realisation, "Taylor?!" he asked in shock, "what are you doing calling Cal?" he spoke through gritted teeth.

"I...I just wanted to talk to him" she replied, as she spoke Ethan went through Cal's call log to see that there were a few calls from an unknown number which proved that this wasn't the only time Taylor and Cal had been in contact.

"You stay away from my brother; do you not understand what you've done to him? You've messed him up Taylor!" Ethan shouted angrily.

Cal was the only person Taylor had ever shown any weakness to, and she definitely wasn't going to add Ethan onto that short list, she took a deep breath and began her act "Oh please, he didn't need me to do that. As much as I'd like to take credit for it- he did that himself" she spat out.

"Taylor I'll call the police, you know I will I've done it before. Just leave Cal alone, he's got enough to deal with without putting you in there too" Ethan threatened.

"Ethan listen, I promise you the same thing I've promised him; after today you will never hear from me, ever again okay?" she promised.

"Like I'm going to believe a word that comes out of your mouth" Ethan scoffed in reply, "Just leave my brother alone" he warned and the phone went dead.

Ethan quickly jumped up to get dressed, he ran out onto the street and hailed a black hackney, "Holby City Hospital" he told the driver, he could only hope that Cal had told him the truth about going to see Ben, but something inside of him knew; he'd gone to see Taylor. The taxi pulled up outside the ED, paid the driver and hurried through reception.

"Noel!" he called as he spotted him at his usual place, "have you seen Cal?" he asked, dreading the answer he would get.

"No sorry Ethan is everything okay?" he asked.

"Just fine" Ethan replied as he thought, "he said he had an appointment with Ben Harding" he told him.

"Well that's impossible" Connie's voice spoke out, he turned to face her, "It's Ben's day off today" she concluded.

Ethan sighed deeply and ran back out through the doors. Cal had gone to see Taylor and he knew how dangerous she was, he didn't know what she was going to do to him but he knew he was in a vulnerable place in his life.

"What's up Ethan?" Dixie asked as she spotted him leaving.

"I think Cal has gone to see Taylor" He told her, "I have to find him Dixie" he added, worry evident in his voice.

"I've just finished my shift do you want me to come with?" she proposed.

"Yes please, I need all the help I can get" He replied and she led him to her car.

"He'll be okay Ethan; he's a smart man" she told him as they got in the car.

"He's got depression Dixie, he's not been thinking straight lately, it's all because of Taylor, the last thing he needs is to see Taylor- It's like giving a heroin addict heroin or an alcoholic alcohol. You can't solve the problem by making bigger" he told her.

"Well, maybe she's trying to help him too; maybe she's letting him see Tobi?" Dixie suggested.

"And how would that help Dixie?" Ethan sighed; "Tobi isn't his" he shrugged as he looked down; he was slowly losing all hope.

"Right come on then, let's find him shall we?" she smiled trying to brighten the situation.


	18. Chapter 18

**Hello everyone, happy Casualty day! Here's the update for today, I quite enjoyed writing this one as it's quite twisted, you'll see what I mean...I hope you enjoy, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter eighteen

Cal parked his car and jumped out, practically running down the street to the place he and Taylor had agreed to meet but he found she wasn't there. "Come on" he muttered to himself as he scanned the street, "oh Taylor where are you?" He whispered, his clouded breath floated away in the biting cold air of this winter morning.

"Cal!" He heard a voice call; he knew instantly it was Taylor's. He spun around and saw her at the other end of the road holding Tobi's car seat, he ran straight for them.

"Oh Cal thank God" Taylor called desperately as she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in tightly for a hug. He stood there awkwardly as she held him, not knowing what to do.

He pulled away from her, "Taylor I'm not here for you, I'm here for Tobi" he spoke out bluntly as he kneeled down beside the baby's car seat and popped his head around so he could see her, "hello Tobes, remember me?" He grinned. The baby let out a giggle and excitedly kicked her legs about causing her chair to rock back and forth, "let's get you out of that chair shall we?" He smiled as he unbuckled her and held her close, "there" he sighed, "oh I've missed your cuddles Tobes, yes I have" he whispered as he gently bopped her up and down. It felt so good to hold her tiny body again.

"That's the first time she's stopped crying" Taylor sighed with relief, "You're so good with her" Taylor whispered as she stroked the baby's head.

"Right come on then, give it to me. What's the real reason you've brought me down here?" He asked as he stepped back away from her.

"What?" She asked confused.

"Let me think; your husband is probably going to jump out from somewhere with a gun? Or maybe this is just the start of another con?" He spoke trying to find the loophole to Taylor's schemes.

"Everything I told you was the truth Cal. My husband is at home packing; we're leaving for America tonight remember? You'll never see me again" she told him.

"How can I believe you?" He sighed.

"Follow me" she replied as she picked up Tobi's empty cat seat and took hold of Cal's hand with the other leading him off down the street.

"Where are you taking us?" He asked warily as he held little Tobi tight within his grasp protecting her from the cold.

She stopped him outside of a registry office, "are you any good at acting?" She asked.

"What?" He asked confused; maybe Taylor had completely lost her mind.

"Well you're going to have to be" she shrugged.

"I don't understand-" she cut him off.

"Think back to how you felt about me when we first met, when you thought I was so wonderful that you wanted to marry me and spend the rest of your life with me..." she told him, he looked at her confused, "just go with it" she whispered in his ear and pulled him through the doors.

She made her way over to reception with a beaming smile on her face, "Hello I'm Taylor Ashbie, this is my boyfriend Cal and our daughter Tobi, we have an appointment" she told the lady at the desk as she wrapped both arms around Cal's free one and interlocked their fingers.

"Do you have the forms you were given to fill out?" The woman asked as she typed on her computer.

"Yes I have both of them here" Taylor replied as she pulled them out of her bag and placed them on her desk. Cal looked on confused.

"Right, take a seat and someone will call you through shortly" the receptionist told her.

Taylor went and sat down leaving Cal stood at reception holding Tobi still confused as ever.

"Cal? Come and sit down honey" Taylor called over to him.

He took a seat next to her awkwardly and shot a smile at the receptionist before he looked back at Taylor, "what's going on?" He demanded.

"I'm keeping my promise" she replied with a smile.

"What?" he asked confused.

"I'm making Tobi yours, we're getting your name legally put on her birth certificate" she told him.

"What?! Taylor this is wrong, she's not mine!" Cal spat out in reply.

The receptionist shot a glance in their direction, "Shh they'll hear you" Taylor whispered as she stroked Cal's cheek with the back of her hand, "This is for the best" she whispered as she looked deep into his eyes; he got lost in hers instantly. She let out a happy sigh and rested her head against his shoulder, "I do love her Cal, you know that right?" She asked.

He sighed, "Of course you do- you're her mum" he replied as he looked down at her to speak.

"This is breaking my heart but she wouldn't have a life with me, she'll have a better life with you and Ethan and that's all I want for her" she stated, her voice quivered as she spoke.

He took hold of her hand, "I know" he whispered as he pressed his lips against her hair, "I know a councillor who can help you through this, his name is Ben Harding, he's really good-"

She cut him off; "unless he's willing to do sessions over Skype then I don't think he will be much help to me over in America" she smiled in reply, he looked down at her sadly.

"Taylor Ashbie?" A lady called. Taylor and Cal stood up and she led them through to a room. "God you two look worn out, though I suppose you get a lot of sleepless nights with a new baby about" she stated as they took a seat before her, little did she know they weren't sleeping at night for their own problems, not because of Tobi. "Is daddy helping out?" She asked gesturing toward Cal.

"Yes he is, he's amazing with her. Without him I honestly couldn't cope, I'm really so lucky to have him" Taylor replied as she shot a smile at Cal which he returned, their eyes locked for a moment.

Tobi let out a whinge which caused them to snap from each other's gaze, "hey, shh it's okay Tobes" Cal whispered to the baby as he rocked her back and forth, she looked up at him wondrously "it's okay" he whispered once more and watched as the baby drifted off in his arms.

"I'm guessing she's a daddy's girl then?" The lady chuckled.

"Oh definitely" Taylor replied causing Cal to smile.

"Right okay, back to work" she lady spoke as she turned to her computer, "so we're putting daddy's name on baby's birth certificate is that right?" She asked.

"Yes" Cal and Taylor replied simultaneously.

"Aw you even speak at the same time, how cute! Young love at its best" she cooed over the pair who smiled at each other awkwardly. "Right so we've got mother, Taylor Ashbie and father...?" She asked.

"Cal Knight" Taylor told her.

"Caleb" Cal corrected her.

"Oh yeah" Taylor replied embarrassed.

"So can you get her birth certificate up in your computer just like that?" Cal asked the woman impressed.

"Yes, everything's electronic these days" she replied, "were you not given a paper version to fill out when she was born though? They usually do that at the hospital" she explained.

"No, we left straight after the birth, we didn't have enough time to stick around and wait for some poxy piece of paper" Taylor shrugged in reply as she thought back. Cal and the lady looked at her surprised. "We had just moved house, I wanted to get her home and settled as quickly as I could" she told them, though Cal knew she had to leave because she was on the run from the police, not because of any moving plans.

The lady nodded understandingly in reply, "well, I'll print you off one here today that you can keep" she proposed, "Right okay, mother Taylor Ashbie, father Caleb Knight, baby Tobi Ashbie, all done" she concluded.

"Can I ask you one more thing?" Taylor asked sheepishly.

"Of course" the lady replied.

"I was told this was the same place you can get names changed" Taylor stated.

"Yes that's right" the lady replied.

"Well it's just that..." Taylor paused to look at Cal, she took his hand in his once more, "I think Tobi Knight sounds better" she smiled.

Cal felt his heart flutter as he heard that name, "Really?" He asked in disbelief.

"Yes really" Taylor grinned.

"You usually have to make a different appointment for that by seen as though you two seem so happy together I wouldn't want to be the one to dull your day, I'll do it now" she replied.

"Thank you" Cal replied the lady and grinned at Taylor excitedly before he pulled her hand to his mouth and pressed his lips against it.

"Any middle names whilst I'm at it?" She joked.

"No" Taylor replied, "...unless you can think of any?" she spoke to Cal.

"Actually...what about Matilda?" He suggested, "I was my mother's name" he told them.

"Tobi Matilda Knight" Taylor spoke out, "it's perfect" she smiled at him.

Ten minutes later and they were done. They walked out of the registry office hand in hand, Cal still cradling sleeping Tobi in his arm.

"There, promise kept" Taylor smiled as she turned to face him.

"I, I-I don't know what to say" Cal replied awkwardly.

She looked deep into his eyes as she spoke, "You say goodbye to me, and get Tobi home" she kissed her daughters head.

"I don't want to say goodbye" he admitted, "Taylor what happened in there then felt nice, I felt like we were a family, it felt right, surely you felt that too? Just think that's how things would've been if only-" she cut him off

"If only what Cal? If only I wasn't a con artist? Well sorry but that's who I am, I get men wrapped around my little finger and steal from them, it's my job" she shrugged.

"It must be horrible, never being able to fall in love because of your schemes" he sympathised.

" _I am_ I love- with my husband" she replied unconvincingly.

"What? And he's off doing the same thing you do but with women? That's not love Taylor..." Cal told her; she held her head down.

"You feel something for me...don't you?" He whispered as he lifted her head by her chin with his finger so she was looking up at him.

"You're now the father of my daughter of course I-" he cut her off.

"No, you've always had feelings for me and I know it, you can't hide them Taylor" he replied knowingly.

"Caleb you are the best person I have ever met in my life, me? I'm the complete opposite, I don't deserve someone as good as you" she whispered as tears built in her eyes.

"That's not true Taylor, you know, you're not that bad if you take away the schemes and the cons" he winked as he nudged her, she smiled sadly. "Taylor if that in there was you without the schemes and the cons then that's the real Taylor, the Taylor I fell in love with back in January, Taylor I thought was real, and it looks like she is...That's it the Taylor you can be with me" he told her as he took hold her hand; she latched on to every word he said, "you can be yourself with me, you don't have to put on an act anymore, we can move somewhere and bring Tobi up together, just think how amazing that would be..." he whispered Taylor nodded along as she imagined it.

But then reality overpowered her, she shook her head and pulled her hand from Cal's grasp, "I've messed you up enough already Cal, I don't want to do you anymore damage" she replied as she forced her tears back, "I'm moving away tonight and you'll never see me again" she stated.

"I was afraid you'd say that" he replied sadly, "Taylor just please promise me one thing?" He asked, "Get help" he told her.

"I can't get help Cal I'm in too deep now, I have to leave my country because of the stuff I've done" she replied, "and to be honest I don't think I deserve help" she added.

"Don't say that, everyone deserves help Taylor, get it in America if you have to, you can't live like this forever Taylor you're not happy" Cal urged.

"How can you still be so good to me after everything?" She asked in pure amazement.

He looked at her, he looked deep into her eyes and took a deep breath, "because I love y-" she cut him off.

"Don't say it Cal" she stopped him, "please don't"

A car pulled up alongside them and beeped its horn causing all three of them to jump with fright, Tobi let out a screech as she was awoken by the noise.

"Shh Tobes" Cal whispered as he gently rocked her once more.

"That's my ride" Taylor told him as she looked at her husband who waited impatiently in the car, "you are such a wonderful person and I'm sorry for the upset I've caused you and Ethan, I've put the money back in Ethan's account that I stole from him" she told him.

"What?!" He spat out amazed, "I thought it was your job to get men wrapped around your little finger and then steal from them?" He asked confused, "what's different?" He added.

"You're not just _any_ man" she whispered as she pressed her lips against his.

Her husband pressed the horn once more telling her to hurry.

"Goodbye Tobi, my beautiful little girl please forgive me" she whispered as she kissed her head.

"Taylor don't-" she cut his begging off.

"Goodbye Caleb" she gave him a smile and turned to get in her car which accelerated quickly off down the road. He watched it disappear knowing this time, it really was the last time he would ever see Taylor Ashbie and although he felt completely ridiculous for doing so; he couldn't help but shed a tear as he pressed his lips against Tobi's head.

"Cal!" He heard his brother's voice calling him.

He turned around and found him hurrying towards him; Dixie following closely behind.

"Is that...Tobi?" Ethan sighed angrily, "where's Taylor?" He demanded.

"She's gone Ethan" Cal replied, his voice sounding mournful.

"What do you mean 'gone'? Where has she 'gone' to?" Ethan snapped.

"America" Cal told him as Tobi let out a cry, Ethan's jaw hit the ground in shock, "look I want to get Tobes inside and warm first before you start- I'll explain everything then okay?" Cal told his brother as he buckled to baby back into her seat; Dixie leaned over to coo over tiny Tobi.


	19. Chapter 19

**Hello! Here's today's update, thank you for all the reviews on my last chapter, they were really fun to read, I love knowing your thoughts on what you think will unfold next! I hope you enjoy this chapter, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter nineteen

Cal, Ethan and Tobi had gotten home, Dixie joining them, and as promised Cal had told them all. He was now sat on the couch cradling Tobi, smiling down at her; she looked up at him with her wondrous gaze as she always would do, her tiny fingers wrapped around just one of his. He'd longed to have this moment again, for him to hold her in his arms again, and it felt even more perfect than he could ever imagine. In his arms he held the future, he thought about her taking her first step, saying her first words, her first day at school, helping her with her homework, he thought about the first time she would fall in love and also her first heartbreak and being ready to kick the life out of the guy that caused his little girl so much heart ache, he thought about the day he would eventually have to let his little girl go and live her life, travel, work, party, fall in love over and over again until she found the one...and married him and Cal thought about walking her down the aisle so proudly and handing her over to a man that is worthy to have such a beautiful and wonderful young lady in his life that is Tobi Matilda Knight, he thought about maybe one day cradled in his arms in place of her now would be his grandchildren and the entire thing would start all over again, first steps, first words, first day at school, the cycle would start again...This was the first time in a while that Cal's thoughts had not been darkening, he saw this as a sign of him getting better but deep down he knew it wouldn't be that easy.

"What so she's just given you the baby and took off to America?" Ethan spoke trying to comprehend what his brother had told him.

"Yeah" Cal replied, his voice almost a whisper as he rocked Tobi in his arms trying to get her back asleep.

Ethan watched his brother, seeing how uninterested he was in anything but Tobi, it angered him, he felt his blood boil, "How can you be so ridiculous Caleb?!" he spat out angrily, the loud tone to his voice startling everyone.

The baby let out a wail of fright, Cal shot a snarl at his brother and looked back down to Tobi, "it's okay Tobes, it's just your Uncle Ethan being annoying, what's new eh?" He smiled down at her though she still continued to sob.

"How about I take her? Try and get her asleep whilst you two have a talk?" Dixie suggested, she felt incredibly awkward being in the room with the brothers who were on the verge of an argument.

"Yeah, could you Dix?" Ethan replied as he took the baby from Cal's arms and placed her in Dixie's, she wondered upstairs with Tobi cradled in her arms.

"What did you do that for?" Cal snapped.

"Because I can't get a proper conversation out of you when you've got her, it's all baby talk and I'm _not_ her Uncle Ethan" he argued back.

Cal sighed deeply and sat back down on the couch holding his head in his hands.

"Caleb please say this entire thing is a joke? Please say Taylor is going to knock on our door any minute and take her back?" Ethan begged.

"That's not going to happen Ethan, she was telling the truth!" Cal replied.

"Ha 'the truth'!" Ethan laughed sarcastically, "she doesn't know the meaning of the word Cal, this is Taylor we're talking about right? The con artist?!" He asked.

"I saw another side to her Ethan, I saw the real her she was telling the truth I know she was" Cal protested.

Ethan shook his head angrily, "So you trust her?" He asked.

"Yes, I do" Cal replied confidently.

"What like when you trusted her with £15k of my money?!" Ethan spat out.

Cal jumped up to his feet instantly; "hey she gave you that back Ethan, every penny it's in your bank account" he spoke out defensively.

"And why do you think she did that?" Ethan asked.

"...Because she loves me, she has feelings for me" Cal mumbled.

"Oh Caleb listen to yourself" Ethan scoffed.

"She said I wasn't just 'any man'" Cal told him.

"Perhaps she's right there...any other man would have some sense and stay away from her!" Ethan roared angrily, "I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is all an act Caleb, that is all." he huffed.

"If it's all an act then why did she give you your money back eh? Why would she do that if it's all an act?" Cal shouted back at him.

"Don't you see Caleb?" He asked in disbelief, "it's just another con, what's it going to be? She'll come back saying you forced her to get your name on the baby's birth certificate, to change her name to Knight, what she just gives you £15k? No. She'll say you forced her to give you that money, like you forced her to change Tobi's' name and forced her to give the baby to you, it's all another con Caleb" Ethan told him, "Actually, it all makes sense now! She's put the money back in my account so we have nothing against her when she gets the police involved...that's it! Maybe the people in the registry office were in on it too! Where you the only ones in there? God Cal this is all going to backfire, we're going to end up in prison-" Cal cut him off.

"Calm down Ethan stop overthinking things!" Cal shouted desperately trying to drown out his brother's words, "...No, no I don't believe it. Ethan I trust her" Cal refused to believe his way of thinking.

"Okay say she is telling the truth, what have we gotten out of it? £15k and a baby?!" Ethan asked.

"Yes that's exactly what we've got out of it" Cal agreed, "and Taylor never coming back again" he added, "she couldn't handle the baby Ethan she was on the verge of a breakdown when she called me" he told him.

"If she had to give the baby up, why did she have to give her up _to you_?" Ethan asked, "I just don't understand that..." He shook his head.

"Because she trusts me, she knows how I am with Tobi she knows how good I am with her. She came to me first, you should have heard the other men she said she could give her to Ethan they were terrible people, I couldn't let Tobi go to them" he explained.

"Why didn't she just put her up for adoption?" Ethan shrugged.

"Because Taylor was in care all her life and hated it, she didn't want Tobi going through the same thing" Cal informed him.

"Wow she's literally thought up a lie to cover up everything hasn't she?" Ethan shook his head in disbelief.

"She was telling the truth!" Cal roared, "you don't know her like I do" he told him as tears built in his eyes, "look, Tobi is mine now and there are no two ways about it" he concluded.

Ethan looked at him for a moment as he thought it through but then he shook his head, "I'm sorry Cal but I don't think this is the right thing to do, especially with your depression-" Cal cut him off.

"No that's where you're wrong, Tobi makes me feel better Ethan, I feel like I've got a part of me back and she's mine to keep now, Tobi Matilda Knight-" Ethan cut him off.

"Matilda?" He asked, his anger suddenly dropped, "after mum?" He whispered.

Cal nodded as he watched his brother warily as Ethan held his head down, "look I know you're only looking out for me Ethan and I know this isn't going to be easy but that baby needs us, whether you believe a word that comes out of Taylor's mouth or not." He sighed.

"Okay" Ethan nodded, what Cal said was true; this baby _did_ need them.

"She makes me feel better Ethan" Cal smiled as he thought about her.

Ethan looked up at him warily, "Oh but Caleb...you have to know that having her back won't rid your depression, you know that right? It wasn't Tobi leaving that brought it on- don't get me wrong it did play a huge part in it but- Ben said you've been tackling depression for a while, thinking back to the times with dad-" Cal cut him off as he slowly rose to his feet.

"Don't you _dare_ bring up dad" he warned, "and what do you mean 'Ben said' eh?" He asked as he started towards him, Ethan cowering as he stepped back away from his older brother; realising he had let something slip that he shouldn't have. "How do you know what Ben said?" Cal urged, Ethan stayed quiet and kept his eyes on the ground, "eh?!" Cal shouted as he pushed Ethan causing him to stumble backwards slightly.

"Cal please..." Ethan began, "just let me explain" he begged.

"Oh don't worry, I'm all ears" Cal spat out sarcastically.

"After our argument in the pub yesterday morning I was adamant I was giving up on you but then Ben talked me out of it, he told me what you were going through, about your dark thoughts and about how you talked about mum dying and my car crash and...and dad" he mumbled, "He told me that you need people with you- now more than ever and so I knew I could've give up on you Caleb" he told him desperately trying to explain.

"Oh well let's get you a trophy shall we? Dixie would you like to come down to award Ethan with the trophy for being the most considerate?" He called up the stairs to her, a cry from Tobi followed seconds after, "or maybe the award for the biggest traitor instead?" Cal spat out as he started towards Ethan once more, "whatever happened to confidentiality? Privacy? Trust?!" He scoffed as tears of rage built in his eyes; he felt so betrayed, "you know, it's nice to know you were going to give up on me until you found out I had a mental illness- is that really the only reason you changed your mind? Poor you having to stick around to help your mentally ill brother eh?-" Ethan cut him off.

"Cal I wouldn't have given up on you, you have to know that! I'm here to help you-" he pleaded his side.

"I DON'T _NEED_ YOUR HELP!" Cal roared as he ducked down to his brother's level. "You know, maybe we're more alike than I first thought, maybe the only thing that's in you is to run and hide too? Oh but wait, you didn't did you? Because your big brother needs your help. You make yourself out to be some big superhero who swoops in to save the day Ethan telling me what is right and wrong, what I should and shouldn't do- but you're just a little nobody, you're just as much a waste of space as me and you know it. You love to see me fail that's probably why you've stuck around for so long because me messing up allows you to look away from your own pathetic little life." He spoke through gritted teeth.

Ethan wiped tears away from his cheeks that he hadn't realised had escaped his eyes, "that's not true" he whimpered in reply, "Cal, please don't do this, I don't want to argue anymore, okay maybe Taylor was telling the truth and you're right- it has nothing to do with me. I was just looking out for you because you're my brother Caleb, _that's_ what's in me. I know you don't want help but I'm going to give it to you, I'll always give it to you...maybe I am too protective but you're all I've got and I don't want to lose that, I don't want you to break but I saw Taylor- she broke you right in front of me Cal she broke you, and seeing that caused a little part of me to break too, I just want you to get better and be like you used to" Ethan whimpered.

"Yeah and so do I!" Cal snapped as he ran his hands through his hair; tears still pouring down his face, "Ethan you don't know what it's like to be inside my head, some days I just think I'd be better off if I didn't wake up" he admitted as more tears traced his cheeks, he sat down on the couch and held his head in his hands.

Ethan made his way over to him warily, "You know, I've never told you this but...when I was little I always wanted to be like you, you were my role model. From so young I can remember...you could ride a bike without stabilisers and I'd think _'wow I wish I was like him'_ , or how you always had friends knocking at the house to play out or how you always had the confidence go up to speak to girls, or how good you were at football or how strong you were, not just when you'd wrestle with me but...when you'd face dad you'd carry on every day Caleb and you'd keep smiling; you were always so strong, all that time I was thinking _'wow, I wish I was more like Caleb, because he's so strong and confident and popular and talented and brave'_ and I wasn't any of those things Cal. I gained a few of those traits throughout the years but back then I had none, you were the person who I looked up to and nothing has changed to this day, yeah to you I'm just you're annoying responsible brother who keeps going on about what's right and wrong but inside I'm still that little boy who idolises his big brother and wants him to do well and be happy because that's how it's always been, I could never give up on you Cal" Ethan concluded, Cal lifted his head out of his hands to look up at him, Ethan took a seat on the couch beside him, "no matter how much of an idiot you can be at times" he added causing Cal to chuckle slightly.

"Do you really look up to me?" Cal asked stunned, Ethan nodded in reply, "well it's understandable; I am pretty cool" he teased.

"Yeah alright let's stop you there before your head gets too big, it'll frighten Tobi" Ethan joked sarcastically.

"Sorry to interrupt..." Dixie called from the doorway, both brother's looked up at her, "If it's okay with you two I'm going to get off, Little Abs hasn't been fed yet" she explained.

"Oh no of course Dixie, thanks for your help today and I'm sorry you had to hear all of that" Ethan replied embarrassed.

"Oh don't apologise kid, me and Jeff had worse...and that was just because he kept leaving the toilet seat up!" she stated causing them both to laugh.

"Don't get me started on that one..." Ethan joked flashing a look at Cal.

"Where's Tobi?" Cal asked his voice sounding worn out.

"On your bed asleep, I had to leave her or I'd sit cuddling her all night. I was going to put her in her cot but I thought you might want some cuddles too- oh and don't worry I've packed all around her with pillows so she won't be doing any combat rolls off the bed" she smiled.

"Thanks Dixie, you really are a miracle worker" Cal told her.

"Are you two going to be okay?" she asked sincerely.

"I think so yes" Ethan replied honestly.

"If you need me for anything just drop us a text yeah?" she proposed and turned to face Cal, "Caleb, you can't get through this on your own kid, and everyone around you is here to help. Go and see Ben and get yourself sorted alright? Don't get into that downwards spiral because it's so hard to come out the other end unscathed d'you hear? If I were you I'd take all the help I can get, because the decisions you make don't just affect you anymore, they affect Tobi too, and she's already had a shaky start to her life, don't make it any worse..." Dixie spoke softly to Cal who took a deep breath and nodded in reply, "You're going to be fine love, you'll get through this" she smiled.


	20. Chapter 20

**Hello! Sorry this update has taken so long to come, I've been writing for other stories and got a bit carried away that I forgot to post for this one. I've got a few big/dramatic chapters ready to post for this story which should make up for it (hopefully). Also I should be starting a new story soon which I've wrote a few chapters for already, also some one-shots. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter, please let me know your thoughts as always, Kayxxx :)**

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That's what's in me – Chapter twenty

Two weeks had passed and today was Cal's first day back at work since his breakdown. In this time he had fallen even more in love with Tobi than he thought possible, he had also been to more sessions with Ben Harding and was now on antidepressant medication to help him when his symptoms worsened, which he found was mostly at night. The nights were always the hardest. He never had anyone to talk to, there would only be silence surrounding him, and it was dark, much like inside of his head at this time. Ethan would be asleep and Tobi too slept right through meaning he had no choice but to think and that's when the problems would start over, his thoughts were far from soothing, more dark and frightening than anything else. He wouldn't get much sleep, because when he did sleep, he dreamt, which he put down to his dark thoughts being played out in his mind and he hated that. The medication helped though, it always did, he found that he could rely on that whenever his thoughts got darkening. One other thing that helped him was Tobi; just her presence alone boosted his mood instantly. At night when he couldn't sleep; he would lay and listen to the sound of her breathing as she slept, making noises and moving about as she dreamt...he often wondered what ran through her innocent little mind, he knew for a fact it was nothing like the stuff that ran through his mind because she was always so happy, naturally, she didn't have to fake her happiness like he had found himself doing recently to get people off his back.

On a brighter side he and Ethan had found themselves bonding over taking care of Tobi, even after their huge argument, though both felt admittedly anxious for Cal's first day back. Ethan had made Cal promise that he would take today easy however Cal had another plan in mind; if he worked as much as he could then there wouldn't be much time to think about anything else right? He was adamant to put this plan to practice. Both brothers were on the same shift; the late shift. Robyn and Lofty had offered to baby sit Tobi knowing full well it would just be an opportunity to sit watching chick flicks and raiding the brothers' fridge all night as Cal had informed them of Tobi being a good sleeper, meaning they should get right through the night of movie watching without an interruption from the baby. Everyone thought the time off Cal had was due to the baby being back, the only ones who knew about his condition were Ethan, Connie, Ben Harding and Dixie as it was still down to Cal to inform any others. If he were to be completely honest, he didn't feel ready to start back at work however Ben and Ethan seemed to think otherwise so surely that meant he was in fact ready? Or perhaps he was just good at acting as though he was ready because he actually felt as about ready for his as he did becoming a father and everyone knows how hard that hit him at first.

As the brothers approached the ED they stopped side by side for a moment, the building looked a lot bigger than normal to Cal it almost felt intimidating; to Ethan however, nothing was new.

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Ethan asked as he looked up at his brother who watched the building warily.

Cal took a deep breath, "yeah" he replied unconvincingly.

"Have you taken your medication for tonight?" Ethan asked. He didn't like asking this question as much as Cal didn't like hearing it though it had to be done.

"Yeah" Cal replied as he fiddled with the packet of tablets in his pocket, "I've got ones to take this morning at the end of shift and some extras in case I need them...Ben said that would be for the best" He told him.

Ethan smiled sadly, though he was happy that Cal now seemed to be taking things well and was also taking all the advice and help her could get, "Right then, ready to face the music?" he grinned.

"Let's do it" Cal nodded.

The pair continued to walk until Ethan stopped them as they reached the ED doors, "Oh one more thing..." he started, "please take it easy Caleb, if you need to take a break or a breather at any time just let Mrs Beauchamp know, or if you need help or want me to take over any patients just ask-" Cal cut him off.

"Yeah yeah okay I've got it, let's just get it over with alright?" Cal urged as he walked ahead.

"Cal!" Dixie called as she spotted him walk through reception and hurried over, "first day back eh? How're you feeling?" she asked.

"Fine thanks" Cal smiled in reply, "the medication really helps" he added.

"How's my little Tobes? I haven't seen her in a few days" she asked.

"She's amazing as always" Cal grinned, "She's been giggling more recently, it's the cutest little laugh you'll ever hear" he smiled.

"Oh I'll have to pop round to see her" Dixie replied excitedly, "I'm just off on call with Iain, I'll see you later though yeah?" she told him as she made her way towards the doors.

"Actually Dixie, do you think I could come out with you both tonight?" he asked.

"Well, I've got no problem with it but are you sure you're up to it kid, you know, _considering_?" she replied awkwardly.

"Yeah, I want to keep busy" He explained, Dixie looked at him unconvinced, "besides, it'll keep Ethan off my back all day, checking up on me every two minutes. I'm sure that will drive me even more insane" he added.

"Right okay we'll be waiting in the station, run it through with the ice queen first though yeah?" she turned and left for the ambulance station.

"What was that about?" Ethan warily asked as Dixie left.

"I'm going out with them tonight" Cal replied as they started off down the corridor.

"That's not taking it easy Cal!" Ethan snapped as they entered the staffroom.

"Yeah, well, I'm not a 'taking it easy' kind of guy" Cal shrugged as he picked out his green Doctor uniform for when out with the paramedics.

"Doctor Knight" Connie called as she entered the staffroom, scanning it as she made her way in; it wasn't a room she was in often and whenever she was she tended to make her stay as short as possible, "how are you feeling today?" she asked.

"Good" Cal replied uninterested as he pulled off his top.

Naturally, Connie's eyes couldn't help but wonder to his torso but she quickly looked away, "You're on minors all day today" she told him as she turned for the door.

"Actually Connie, I'm out with the paramedics tonight" he replied, pulling on his white T-shirt and then his green shirt.

Connie's face quickly reddened as she shot a snarl at the doctor.

"I've tried telling him Mrs Beauchamp; he needs to take it easy but he's not listening" Ethan urged her to help.

"Major RTA on its way in we need all doctors ready in RESUS" Charlie butted in as he popped his head around the door.

"Now see, I could be stuck here treating major RTA's in RESUS or out with the paramedics on a Saturday night where the worst I'll probably come across is a few drunks, which I could treat there to avoid them having to brought in whilst everyone is rushed off their feet with the RTA..." Cal spoke mischievously, "but it's completely your decision" he added.

"Fine." Connie huffed, "But the first sign of unprofessionalism Cal and I want you back here understood? This isn't a job where you can take risks with your own health when you've got other people's lives in your hands" she stated.

"Understood" Cal grinned, "Thanks Connie" he called after her as he watched her leave.

"It's Mrs Beauchamp to you" she called back sternly.

He turned and shot a smug glance at Ethan who shook his head.

"Cal this isn't the right thing to do and you know it" he warned.

"Chill out Nibbles, what's the worst that can happen?" he shrugged and left excitedly.


	21. Chapter 21

**Hello again! Two updates for you all today. I hope you all enjoy, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

 ***Just a warning there is a lot do with suicide in this chapter so if there's a possibility you could be triggered in some way please** ** _please_** **don't read. You are all truly amazing people, please always remember that!* X**

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That's what's in me – Chapter twenty-one

He sat in the back of the ambulance, the sound of the siren overhead drowning out the talk between Dixie and Iain that they had tried to get Cal involved in numerous amounts of times but he was too busy focusing on keeping calm. He knew throwing himself into work probably wasn't the smartest of ideas but he was willing to prove to everyone and more so himself, that he was ready to be back. He found himself fiddling with the packet of tablets in his pocket again, thinking whether or not now was the time to take one of his 'just in case' ones but then he figured nothing has actually happened yet, he was just getting himself worked up, his thoughts weren't too bad at the moment. He just knew he and Ethan would have ended up having another argument if he stayed in the ED, and he really didn't want that, neither of them did.

"Oh great what's this?" He heard Dixie sigh as the ambulance came to a stop and the siren shut off, "I thought we were called out to the RTA?" she asked.

"No we got called out to here instead, apparently we were needed for a 'precaution'" Iain told her, "Looks like we're going to be waiting around a while" he sighed as he rested his head back.

"Why?" Cal called from the back.

"It's nothing love, how about I take you back to the ED? I think Ethan might've been right, I don't think you're up for this today sometimes it's best to start off slow to getting back into the swing of things..." she replied sincerely.

Iain looked at stunned "Jesus I might have a kid if it gets you this much special treatment" he laughed unknowingly, Dixie shot him a snarl to shut him up. Iain knew nothing about Cal's depression.

"I think you're right Dixie, after this call I think I'll stick to cubicles" Cal replied responsibly. He wasn't up for this and he didn't want to put other people's lives in danger because of it, Dixie nodded understandingly and opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Iain who gasped loudly.

"Oh thought she jumped then, that's a long drop though, is there even any point of us being here? Once she hits that water surely she's a goner?" he spat out.

"What's going on?" Cal asked confused as he stood up to take a look.

"Cal-" Dixie warned but was cut off by Iain who spoke out excitedly, "Suicidal girl on the bridge, been threatening to jump for the last thirty minutes-"

His words hit him so hard. He slumped back down in his chair and pulled out his tablets frantically, swallowing them with a bottle of water he held in his shaking hands. He never thought he would face something so close to home, he thought at the most he would have a few drunken patients shouting abuse, never did he think he would be faced with this. He closed his eyes and desperately tried to rid his thoughts from his mind, he just hoped his medication would kick in soon.

"Are you okay?" Dixie asked concerned but Cal didn't reply. She knew about Cal's dark thoughts, she was there when they had the argument and Cal told his younger brother that some days he wishes he didn't wake up, it wouldn't surprise her if he had considered committing suicide before, giving how severe his depression was.

"Right I think we'll get you back to the ED kiddo, you can relax a bit more back there" she decided.

Cal nodded slowly in reply.

"What? Why? Come on Dix this is the most interesting call out we've had in weeks let's not wreck it eh?" Iain urged her.

But Dixie ignored him, having Caleb's safety as her priority, "Backup needed for 3006, we need to get back to the ED ASAP" she spoke down her radio.

"Am I missing something?" Iain asked confused as he shot a glance back at Cal who was sat holding his head in his hands.

"Shut it Iain" Dixie warned.

" _Backup is on its way for 3006_ " a woman's voice replied on the radio.

"Right, cheers" Dixie replied, "don't worry Cal we'll be back before you know-" she paused suddenly as she turned to find Cal wasn't there, "Cal?" she called.

Iain then turned back, "where's Cal?" he asked confused.

They then turned to face forward and watched as Cal pushed through the crowd of watching people and ducked underneath the police tape they had put around the area to stop people getting in. The police called for him to get back but he didn't listen he stopped beside the girl.

"Stay back or I'll jump, I swear to God I'll jump" the girl demanded as tears streamed down her face. She was such a beautiful girl, tall, slim, she had long brown hair that flowed in the wind as it blew against her and a beanie on her head. It was so hard to believe that such a beautiful young girl could get themselves in a situation like this but it just hit home to Cal how depression can effect absolutely anybody, including himself. Although she was stood on the edge of a bridge, sobbing her heart out with mascara tracing her cheeks, Cal could still imagine what her carefree smile would look like, this all felt so wrong...

Cal watched her warily and took a step back, "please don't do this" he begged.

"Just leave me alone!" She screamed back.

Cal shook his head and grabbed hold of her hand, "not going to happen" he replied causing her to tear her eyes from the water below and look up at him, he looked deep into her eyes, "what's your name?" He asked.

"Kayleigh" she replied as she looked back down at the water and took a step to the left, away from Cal.

"Hi Kayleigh, I'm Caleb but you can call me Cal" he spoke softly, "how old are you?" He asked, as he noticed just how young she looked.

"Nineteen" she sniffed in reply.

"God you're so young..." he sighed sadly, "look, Kayleigh, just think about your future, think happy thoughts try and rid your mind of the dark ones...there are endless possibilities out there, don't throw it all away" he told her, quoting the words Ben once told him though he knew from experience it was easier said than done.

"I can't, I try and I try but I can't stay here anymore, there isn't one thought in my head that is telling me not to jump off this bridge" she cried.

"Well there must be one of you would've done it already" he replied. It pained him to say the next part, "look, I know what you're going through-"

She cut him off, "oh because you're a doctor you suddenly know me?! No fuck you, I'm sick of doctors telling me they understand when they don't!" She screamed as she moved even more away from him.

"Kayleigh just hear me out yeah?" he pleaded, "Okay I'm a doctor but I'm also depressed. I got diagnosed not long ago but apparently I've had it nearly all my life just something dramatic in my life recently triggered it off and I started getting dark thoughts, thinking 'what's the point in trying? Why should I wake up and face each day when I know I'm nothing more than a waste of space that would be better off for everyone if was just gone?' So many times I've thought about killing myself, I've even planned it out even down to the suicide letter I would leave to my brother, he's the only family I have left, well, except my daughter. He told me the other day that I was brave, but I'm not brave, I'm a coward, if I was brave I could put my plans to practise and kill myself but I can't even bring myself to do that..." He paused to compose himself as talking about his thoughts caused them the run hauntingly through his mind, Kayleigh turned to look at him.

"You actually _do_ understand don't you?" She asked amazed.

Cal nodded sadly, "it's my first day back at work today" he told her, "There are ways forward Kayleigh it's not all a big downwards spiral. I thought there was no way out and I would spend my days getting drunk but then I got help, I have a councillor and I'm on medication which seriously helps-" she cut him off.

"What changed?" She asked.

"What? He asked confused.

"What made you get help instead of ending it?" She asked.

"Well, I had a little girl come into my life which made me see that I'm not a waste of space because she needs me" he told her.

"What's her name?" She asked.

"Tobi" he smiled wondrously, "Tobi Matilda Knight, her middle name is after my mum who died last year...God she would've loved to meet her" he smiled sadly.

"See you have a reason to live Cal, I don't" she replied as she looked back down at the water.

"Yeah to be honest, when I was nineteen neither did I, I had no commitments, yeah I had family but come on...what teenager gets on with their family?" He chuckled slightly, "but one day that changed, I never in a million years thought I'd be a dad" he reasoned, "each day brings a new challenge but you've got to face it" he told her.

She continued to look down at the water below, "listen, are you going to get back over the right side of this bridge?" He asked as he examined how she stood.

She thought for a moment before she spoke out, "No" she whimpered in reply.

"Right then, I'll join you" he smiled and climbed over.

"Cal!" He heard Dixie's concerned voice scream.

"What are you doing?!" Kayleigh snapped as she watched him climb over.

"Being brave" he replied, "you know, a year ago, in this very spot I saved a girl's life" he told her.

"Do you make a habit of waiting around to stop suicidal people from ending their lives? Surely there must be a better way for you to pass time, watch a movie? Play some golf?" Kayleigh joked sarcastically.

"Playing golf, now that sounds like suicide within itself" Cal joked causing Kayleigh to laugh slightly, "actually I was on call with the paramedics, like I am today, it was my first day on the job and a limo was hanging over the edge of the bridge, right here." He told her.

"What did you do?" she asked intrigued.

"I had to climb into the limo that was half off the bridge and perform a medical procedure on the girl or she would die, all whilst trying to balance in the back of this limo...she lived, of course, she had me looking after her" he concluded smugly.

"You've got a big head" she stated.

"True" he agreed, "you know it's actually quite a nice view up here...considering" he spoke as he scanned around him, "long drop too" he added as he looked down, "right then, shall we get this over with?" He asked as he leaned forward causing everyone surrounding them and Kayleigh to scream.

"Cal don't!" She screamed as she looked away, "please just get back over the bridge" she begged.

"Why should I?" He shrugged.

"Because you've got a whole life to live, you've got a family and a job and people who love you, please don't end that here, grow old and die when you're ready, naturally, I know life seems bad now but it'll get better" she pleaded.

"Tell that to yourself too Kayleigh because the exact same thing relates to you, except your life is more exciting than mine, mine is already pretty much laid out for me whereas yours? You can do whatever and go wherever the hell you want with it, it's completely yours and you're only nineteen? Pfft that's pretty much a blank canvas, god if only I could go back to when I was nineteen..." He shook his head as he looked back down at the water.

"Please just get back over the bridge Cal" she sighed deeply.

"If you go, I go" he replied determined.

"I agree with your brother" she told him.

"What?" He asked confused as he looked at her.

"I think you're brave, I'm the coward. You fight your demons everyday but me? I'm taking the chicken's way out and ending my life, at least you're trying" she told him.

"Yeah well maybe I'm sick of trying" he muttered as he leaned his body forward once more causing everyone to scream again.

"Please stop it Cal! You've got a daughter" She cried.

"She's not even mine" he scoffed as tears built in his eyes.

"What?" She asked confused.

"Nothing, it's complicated" he whimpered as his tears now poured down his cheeks.

"Why are you doing this? You don't even know me" she asked.

"Because you've just given me the boost I needed" Cal as he looked up at her with tear-filled eyes.

"Look Cal if I get back over this bridge and will you get back over with me?" She asked.

He paused for a moment before he spoke, "Yes" he replied as he looked up at her.

"But promise me one thing; you'll help me get help because I want to be brave like you, I can't do this alone" she cried.

"Okay" he promised her and she began to climb back over, he helped steady her with one hand, keeping a tight grasp on the rail behind him with the other.

"You're a wonderful person Caleb" she told him sincerely.

"I'm also a really good lair" he replied as he watched her feet hit the ground.

"What?" She asked confused.

"I was never going to climb back over Kayleigh" he told her and turned back to look at the water below.

"What?! Cal climb over!" she shouted but he didn't budge, "Cal!" She screamed she tried to climb back over but the police ran at her and dragged her back, "you promised you'd help me get help!" He sobbed as she fought the police.

"Ask for Ben Harding" he told her, keeping his promise, and looked back down at the water "another life saved on this bridge" he whispered to himself.

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 _Back at the ED..._

"Hey get a look at that, there's a suicidal girl on a bridge, I've been watching it for the past twenty minutes, apparently a man from the crowd is with her now" Noel explained as everyone stood around reception to watch the news on the TV.

"So sad" Ethan sighed as he looked down at the notes he had in his hand and began to write. He instantly thought of Cal knowing that person on the bridge was probably going through the same thing as him; luckily Cal was getting the help he needed.

"Turn that up a second Noel..." Zoe spoke as she spotted something, Noel turned up the TV.

"...is-is that Cal?" She asked in shock, Ethan's eyes shot back up to the TV instantly.

 _"The man who has joined the girl on the bridge is reportedly a doctor from Holby City hospital, he was first thought to have been talking her down but as he completed that and the girl was taken to safety he has stayed on the wrong side of the bridge..."_

Noel muted the TV once more as everyone looked back in shock to comfort Ethan but he was already gone, his notes and pen on the floor where he previously stood.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hello everyone! Happy belated Halloween, I hope you had fun whatever you did! I'm sorry I left you all on such a cliff hanger...I had a Halloween party last night and couldn't find much time to post, however it's here now! Thanks for the reviews you have been leaving it's nice to see you are all enjoying. What will happen to Cal? I hope you enjoy this chapter please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

 ***Same warning as in my last chapter, this chapter contains talk of suicide and so if you are triggered in any way please don't read on***

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That's what's in me – Chapter Twenty-two

 _Back at the bridge..._

He stood gripping tightly onto the rail behind him as the adrenaline pumped hard around his body. His dark thoughts had completely taken over him to the point where even thinking about Tobi didn't help, he'd never felt _this_ bad before. In his mind the only way off this bridge was down, no matter how extremely long the drop may be.

"Cal please get back over here!" Dixie begged.

"Come on mate let's just go back to the ED yeah?" Iain shouted after her.

His breathing was heavy, he closed his eyes and desperately searched for a reason to get back over that bridge but the second he closed his eyes, all the things of the past he'd tried to block out came rushing back, his father hitting him and arguing with him and fighting with him, him leaving home, saying goodbye to his mother on her deathbed, watching Ethan be wheeled in after the crash, Taylor breaking his heart, having Tobi taken off him, being called a waste of space over and over again...he looked down at the water and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and leaned his body forward; this was it.

The screech of a car stopping echoed around bridge and out jumped Ethan, he seemed to get out before the car had even stopped. He darted past Dixie and Iain, under the police tape and straight for his brother who was leaned over the edge of the bridge. The police ran straight for him; dragging him back. The second Cal was going to let go of holding onto the rail something stopped him.

"Caleb!" Ethan roared as he desperately tried to fight off the police, "Get off me please! That's my brother!" He cried as he continued to fight, "Cal! Please don't do this!"

"Ethan?" Cal called as he turned back to face him seeing the smaller man being fought by the police angered him, "get off him!" Cal roared protectively.

"Cal just get back over here please, I can't lose you!" Ethan called as tears poured from his eyes.

Cal looked down at the water and then back up at Ethan.

"Please just let me talk to him, please" Ethan begged to the police who let him go. He ran and stood beside his brother, on the right side of the bridge. "Caleb what are you doing?" He spat out as he looked over the bridge, his stomach flipped as he did so; Ethan hated heights.

"Honestly? I don't know..." Cal replied.

"Please just get back over and we can go home yeah? We can see Tobi" he stated.

"How are you this close to the edge? You hate heights! Remember that time they had to stop the Ferris wheel because you felt like you were going to pass out when we reached the top?" Cal stated.

Ethan swallowed hard "yes of course I remember" he replied, "but sometimes you have to face your fears because of more important matters" Ethan told him as he placed his shaking hand on his arm.

"Why are you shaking more than me?" Cal noted with a slight chuckle though tears still traced his cheeks.

"Because I'm facing both of my fears; heights and losing you" Ethan told him sincerely, "please don't jump Cal, I need you, _Tobi_ needs you..." He begged.

Cal shook his head and looked back down at the water below, it felt magnetic, as though it was pulling him down, he was drawn to it.

Ethan sighed angrily, but only out of anger he had for himself, he couldn't think of how to get Cal down. He knew if he got over the bridge then that would work but Ethan's legs had turned completely to jelly, he was worried in case they gave in once he got over and plummeted to his death accidentally Ethan often tended to be a bit of a liability...he felt completely useless to his brother. "Caleb tell me what to say! I don't know what to say to you to get you down, please Cal!" Ethan sobbed as he rested his head against his older brother's arm.

"There's nothing you can say Ethan" Cal replied and shoved him off.

Ethan looked around him as he desperately thought what to do, "I was treating a patient earlier with a broken leg and she asked me how long it would take to heal and I told her about six weeks, and then she asked me what she should do in that time and I told her to wait for it to heal..." Ethan sniffed, Cal looked at him confused at what he was getting at, "...and for some reason I thought about you, yeah she might have had a physical problem that you can see but yours is all in your head and I can only imagine how scary that must be; to not feel safe being yourself...anyway, the girl she said she didn't want to wait for it to heal, she couldn't understand that without time she wouldn't heal. Cal you're not going to get over this just like that but giving up shouldn't be an option, you _will_ get better. Sadness doesn't last forever, just imagine that day when these thoughts that you're having now go, and you look back at tonight and think how much has changed, and how happy you are to not have jumped. Cal it might take months or even years but you're going to get better, and I'll be there for you every step of the way" he promised.

Cal looked at him, he had clung to his every word, "please just get back over" Ethan held out his hand for him to take, Cal looked down at his hand as tears trickled down his cheeks.

"But what if I don't get better Ethan?" He whispered, never had he looked so vulnerable, "I can't live like this for the rest of my life I hate it" he whimpered.

"I promise you Caleb, you _will_ get better" Ethan spoke determined, "you are the last person on this earth that matters to me, the only family I have, I will stop at nothing until you're better and feeling safe again, please Cal, I just can't lost you..." He whispered, there wasn't much else that he could do, he just hoped this would be enough.

"Okay" Cal mumbled and took hold of his hand, Ethan let out a huge sigh of relief and helped him up, but as he did so Cal lost his footing and his feet slipped off the edge of the bridge leaving him hanging over the edge with only Ethan's tight grasp on his hand keeping him up.

"Caleb!" Ethan cried in horror as he slipped, everyone around them screamed and covered their eyes thinking he had fallen to his death.

"Ethan don't let go please don't let go" Cal begged as tears streamed down his face. He looked down at the water; suddenly it didn't seem so magnetic.

"I won't!" Ethan replied as he desperately tried to pull him back up, the weight of his brother dragging him right to the edge of the bridge "don't look down" he muttered to himself as he tried to compose himself of his fear of heights, "Caleb climb back up!" He roared as he felt himself losing grip on his brother's hand.

"I can't!" Cal shouted back desperately.

Ethan dragged hard on his brother's hand, so hard that his feet began to slip beneath him; he wasn't strong enough. If things continued this way both of them would topple over the edge. Dixie and Iain shot over to help, each grabbing an arm as Ethan still pulled hard on his hands.

They managed to pull him up enough for him to use his feet to push himself over the bridge, Dixie and Iain let go of him knowing now he was at safety but Ethan couldn't bring himself to let go. As soon as Cal stood on the railing Ethan pulled him over quickly causing Cal to fall right into him, the weight of his brother hitting into him caused him to fall backwards, his head bounced off the curb beneath him and he lost consciousness instantly, his glasses shattered on the ground beside him.

Cal sat back and held his head in his shaking hands "Eth..." he called breathlessly but Ethan didn't reply. He then spotted his brother's smashed glasses beside them, he picked them up and examined them, "Ethan?!" he called in shock as he noticed his brother lying lifelessly beside him.

"He's out cold" Dixie announced as she examined him, "go and get a trolley and a collar" she told Iain who hurried off.

"What's happened to him?" Cal asked confused.

"He hit his head when he fell back, he's busted it open by the looks of things" she replied as she held his head still in wait of Iain.

"Oh god" Cal sighed.

"Sir?" A man's voice called, Cal and Dixie looked up at him, "would you like to come with me?" He asked as he helped Cal to his feet.

"Why would I?" Cal snapped angrily as he shoved him off.

"I can take you somewhere where you can be safe" he replied as he pulled out some handcuffs.

"Now there's no need for that" Dixie snapped, "yeah he's in a bad place right now but he doesn't need sectioning, I'll tell you that for sure" she spoke protectively.

"It won't be for long, just until we know you are no longer a danger to yourself" he told Cal calmly.

"No, I want to be with Ethan" Cal spat out and kneeled down beside him.

"I'm guessing this is Ethan?" the man asked.

Cal nodded, "he's my little brother" he told him.

"Doesn't look so little to me, he's a grown man?" the man replied.

"Yeah but he's still my little brother" Cal spat out, "he'll always be my little brother" he mumbled as he wiped his tears away.

"Okay okay, just calm down sir" the man tried to calm Cal but it was obvious to everyone he was only irritating him even more.

Cal jumped up and helped Iain bring over the trolley.

"Let's get you inside mate yeah? Out the way of all this" Iain shot a snarl at the man with the handcuffs and led Cal off to the ambulance where he sat in the back.

"We are going to have to talk to him sooner or later" he man told Dixie.

"Yeah okay but right now his brother needs to know he's safe and okay when he comes through" Dixie informed him.

"What hospital are you at? I'll meet you there...St James?" he asked.

"Holby City mate, but believe me you're not taking our Caleb away d'you hear?!" Dixie spat out protectively as her and Iain wheeled Ethan off to the ambulance.

Dixie sat in the back monitoring Ethan who had still not regained consciousness, Cal sat in the back also, but out of the way of Ethan as Dixie had told him to, she didn't want Ethan panicking when he woke.

"Thanks Dixie" Cal spoke out awkwardly.

"Now what did you do that for eh?" she spat out angrily,

"I don't know..." Cal sighed.

"Because you have bad thoughts?" she asked.

Cal nodded slowly as he looked down.

"Well what a selfish thing to consider Caleb, what about Ethan? What about Tobi? What about everyone and everything else in your life? They mean nothing?" she asked.

Cal looked up at her, "No. No they mean everything" he told her.

"So why?!" she shouted.

"I don't know!" he replied.

She sighed deeply and examined Ethan once more, "Did you not stop to think what this would've done to Ethan? It would've completely broken him Caleb! He idolises you, he told you that himself! God forbid to think what would've happened if he didn't get here, you owe your life to him" she stated.

"I know...I'm sorry" he muttered sadly.

"It's not me you need to apologise to Caleb" she replied.

She knew for a fact she was being too harsh on him but she seemed to be the only one he would listen to, the only one he would allow to talk some sense into him. He looked up to Dixie, he actually saw her as a mother figure though he would never admit that, she was a colleague and nothing more. She stuck up for him and protected him like a son, but she could also put him in his place like any mother could.

Ethan let out groan as he slowly raised his hand to his head, still keeping his eyes closed.

"Ethan, its Dixie, try and keep as still as you can for me darling" she told him softly.

He felt around his head and then down his neck, feeling the collar on it. He opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling of the ambulance, "what happened?" he mumbled confused.

"I was hoping you could tell me that" she replied, she had to check his memory was still intact.

"My head hurts" he sighed as he held it with both hands now.

"It would do yeah" Dixie replied sarcastically causing Ethan to smile slightly, "Can you remember what happened love?" she asked.

Ethan desperately tried to think back but his thoughts were getting jumbled in his head, "I don't know what's real or not" he admitted.

"Okay...what if I were to tell you we've just left the bridge?" she asked carefully.

He looked at her confused for a slight moment before realisation grew over him, "Caleb!" he shouted, "He slipped...I let him go didn't I? I let him go" he whimpered as he burst out into tears, they trickled down the side of his face and fell, damping the trolley either side of his head as he sobbed.

Cal stood up instantly to comfort him but Dixie pushed him back, "No Ethan you didn't let him go, believe me you would _not_ let him go" she told him causing Ethan's cry to slow as he looked up at her confused, the last memory he had of the event was him trying to pull Cal back up, he didn't recall him making it over to safety.

"Really?" he asked.

"Really" Cal replied as he stood at Ethan's side.

Ethan's face lit up instantly, "Cal" he smiled with relief.

Cal took hold of his hand "you saved my life Nibbles" Cal smiled as tears built in his eyes.

"Well there's nothing new there, I save lives every day, it's my job you know" Ethan replied smugly causing Cal to chuckle, "So you mean after everything that's just happened...the worst we've left with is me having concussion?" Ethan asked amazed.

"Looks that way yeah" Cal replied. The pair of them chuckled as the ambulance pulled up outside the ED.

Dixie burst through the ED doors pushing Ethan's trolley. Everyone was stood around looking mournful at reception, the TV was switched off. "Right this is Ethan Hardy, 30, hit the back of his head off the curb, lost consciousness for about 10 minutes in total, his memory was slightly patchy when he came through but he seems fine now-" Lily cut her off as she hurried to his aid.

"Ethan?" she spoke as she looked down at him.

"Hello Doctor Chao" he replied with a smile as she hurried him through to RESUS.

Robyn and Lofty stood with the rest of their colleagues in reception; they had brought Tobi in when they saw Cal on the news. Max stood watching the door hoping Cal would be following Ethan's trolley; he was reduced to tears when he didn't. Robyn comforted her stepbrother; he even accepted a hug off Zoe. Lofty and Dylan stood side by side looking at tiny Tobi who seemed to be the only one who was happy. She sat in her car seat kicking her legs about and cooing away as she usually did.

"Ethan must be in pieces" Louise sighed.

"That poor baby doesn't even know what's happened" Rita whispered as she took hold of Tobi's hand.

Suddenly the door opened and in walked Iain who seemed to be in deep conversation with Cal, no one knew Cal had stayed outside with him to compose himself and build up the confidence to walk in to everyone. Everyone's jaws dropped as he stopped before them.

"What's up? It looks like you've just seen a ghost" Cal chuckled as he scanned them all.

Robyn, Max and Lofty rushed toward him and pulled him in for a hug, he froze awkwardly as they held him.

"Cal we're all here for you, you know that right?" Robyn told him as they pulled away.

"Thank you" Cal replied sincerely.

"God mate I thought I'd lost you, what would I do without my partner in crime?" Max joked as he wiped his tears away.

Cal put his arm around him, "Is that Tobes?" Cal asked as he spotted her chair on the desk, his face lit up instantly.

"Hello Tobes" he smiled as he got her out and held her up in front of him; she kicked her legs about and let out her newest giggle which seemed to be contagious, everyone laughed along with her, "what are you doing up this late eh? You little minx" he joked as he tickled her causing her to laugh even more, "have you missed me? I've missed you" he told her as she watched him wondrously, "I love you Tobi, so so much" he whispered, "Kisses?" he asked as he held her in front of his face, she opened her mouth; that was her way of giving kisses, though they may be slobbery it was the first thing Cal had managed to teach her and so he received them with pride each time. He held her close, she rested her head on his chest as he kissed it "right, shall we go and see how Uncle Nibbles is doing eh? Shall we?" he smiled as he walked through the RESUS with her held close, everyone watched him amazed.


	23. Chapter 23

**Hello everyone! No Casualty tonight :( Here is the next chapter of 'That's what's in me', I hope you enjoy.**

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That's what's in me – Chapter twenty-three

Cal sat at Ethan's bedside, still cradling Tobi in his arms. Though they had been in A&E for hours, as every trip to A&E would always last, he hadn't let her out of his sight once. He had tried handing her over to Ethan but she wouldn't go, letting out a cry any time her body left her father's arms; she wanted him. Although Ethan had a huge gaping hole in the back of his head which he had to get 22 stitches in and he felt completely worn out from the night's events, he couldn't help but feel happy and dare he say it; content. Yes he may be leaving his day of work which took a rather spontaneous turn with 22 stitches and a thumping headache, but he would also be leaving with his brother at his side and that was enough to bring him the feeling of contentment. He was so close to losing him earlier in the night, he found each time he would think back he would shudder, with the haunting thought of how different things would be if he had gotten there a second later...He was now asleep, the long wait around in A&E had finally taken its toll on him as it did almost every patient that came through the ED doors. He had forgotten how long the wait seemed for a patient as he was usually the doctor treating the patients. He would treat one patient, go on to treat several others, send off for tests, get results back, do some paperwork, and then eventually report back to that first patient with his findings, for him the time flew, maybe it was because he was busy, or maybe because he was happy as the cliché quote would say 'time flies when you're having fun' and Ethan's idea of fun tended to be getting lost in his research or finding an answer to a patient's suffering, but for the patient the wait was agonising. Cal sat in a chair beside where his younger brother slept awaiting the results of his CT scan, he didn't watch him though, instead his eyes were drawn to the baby he cradled in his arms, her eyes wide and full of wonder as she looked up at him, her too feeling drawn to him. The night was nearly up and neither of them had any sleep, yet neither of them seemed to care; they seemed – as Ethan – content. It was a strange feeling to have after a night full of such heartache but the feeling of contentment fell mutually around. Cal's darkening thoughts were still present of course, they always were but looking into the eyes of the child in his arms, a child whose life had merely begun made him push the thought of ending his own life to the back of his mind.

There was a light knock at the door which woke him back into reality, it was Dixie. "She won't go asleep" he informed her as she quietly made her way in, making sure not to wake Ethan.

"Do you want me to take her? I can try if you like?" she suggested.

"No it's fine, I actually quite like it, she's being really clingy with me tonight for some reason she wouldn't go to Ethan earlier" he told her, a smile gracing his face.

It had been a while since anyone had seen a genuine smile grace the face of Caleb Knight, she paused for a moment to admire it, the effect babies could have on a person never seized to amaze her, "Because she knows she's got you back" she replied.

"I went up to see Ben Harding earlier; I had to take her with me because she would cry anytime I put her down" he told her; his eyes still captured by the baby's gaze.

"What did he have to say?" she asked, intrigued.

"He loved her, like everyone else does" he smiled at Tobi.

"I mean about you silly" Dixie chuckled.

"Oh" Cal spoke in realisation as he tore his eyes of the baby and looked up at her, "he's upped my dosage" he started. Dixie nodded understandingly as she listened, "And I have two sessions a week now instead of one" he said, "and when I do eventually come back to work I'm on minors for a month" he concluded.

"How do you feel about that?" she asked warily.

He paused for a moment to think before he came out with, "Happy" he said, "it feels right" he added.

"Good" Dixie smiled in reply, maybe now Cal would finally begin to feel safe within himself.

He looked back down at Tobi who opened up her mouth, this would be a gesture most people would ignore but he knew what it meant, he understood her, "What's that Tobes? You want kisses?" he whispered in an overfriendly voice and gave her a kiss, she let out a giggle and kicked her legs about as he watched her admiringly.

"She's so adorable Caleb" Dixie announced.

"I know" he smiled proudly. But his smile quickly dropped, he looked up at Dixie with a look of dread on his face as he began to speak, "Dix, there's something I want to ask you...it's quite a big ask and so I completely understand if you say no or need time to think but I just-" she cut his babbling off impatiently.

"Spit it out Cal" she laughed.

"Ben said he doesn't think having the responsibility of bringing up a baby would be the best thing for me at the moment and...I agree" He mumbled the last part but it was the part of the sentence which shocked Dixie the most, there was definitely a new mature side to Cal that not many people had seen before.

"Dixie I think you make an absolutely amazing mother, I actually see my mum in you sometimes, maybe it's the way you always put me in my place or the way you always stick up for me but you remind me of her somehow and that makes me see that you would make an amazing mother and the fact you've been turned down by the adoption agency angers me because you deserve to be a mum as much as any kid would deserve to have you as their mum, it's their loss anyway" he began his babbling again, it was almost as if he couldn't bring himself to get to the point.

"What are you getting at here?" She asked confused.

"Ben asked me if I had any family to mind Tobi for me until I get better which I don't, so he told me to put Tobi up for temporary foster care but I promised Taylor I would never put her into care plus I could never trust anyone like that with her I know what it's like to be mistreated as a child and I would hate for Tobes to go through that...I just want her to have a good life, the best life...and I think she could have that with you" he finally said it.

"Me?" She asked in utter shock and amazement.

Cal nodded, "Only if you're up to it, it's just I know how much you wanted a baby and I know how good you are with Tobes, to be honest you're probably the only person I trust her with, it will only be temporary not forever I'm not sure how long, just until I'm better...maybe a few months tops? But I completely understand if you don't-" he was cut off once more.

"Yes" Dixie spat out excitedly.

"What?" he asked stunned.

"Yes." She repeated.

"Thank you" he smiled before he looked back down at the baby, "I want to spend today with her if that's okay? Just to say goodbye and then tonight she's all yours" he told Dixie.

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The rest of the day past, far too quickly for Cal's liking but he knew the time to give Tobi up would come eventually. Cal had spent the entirety of the day with her, whilst also keeping a watchful eye over his younger brother who had been discharged with concussion early hours of the morning though he stressed that he felt fine. Cal's decision to give Tobi up surprised him more than anything, though he knew it was the right thing for them to do, Cal needed to focus on himself, he having someone else's life to focus on may be a bit too much for him now. However Ethan would be the first to admit he was definitely going to miss having his niece around, even if it was only temporary. He hoped this would urge Cal to want to get better as quickly as possible so they could be reunited with her once more, but he also knew recovery from any illness can be a long and tiring journey.

The knock on the door came too quickly even for Ethan, "Oh Dixie, um, come in" Ethan stepped aside awkwardly and let her through.

"Is she ready?" She asked excitedly.

"Yes, well...no, but yes" he replied awkwardly, "she's all ready to leave but her and Cal fell asleep on the couch about an hour ago, they were both up late after...well, you know" he swallowed hard as he thought back to his brother's attempted suicide the night before, "I'll go and wake them" he told her.

"Oh no don't do that, I'll just call back later" she smiled and turned toward the door.

"Why don't you stay? I'm sure Tobi will get Cal up soon enough, would you like a cup of tea? Coffee?" He asked as he led her through the living room and head into the kitchen.

She looked into the living room where Cal lay asleep on the couch with his arm protectively around Tobi's tiny body where she lay asleep beside him, "yeah I'll have a tea please" she smiled as she turned and head into the kitchen.

"Milk and how many sugars?" Ethan asked as he poured out the tea and picked up the milk.

"No milk no sugar" she stopped him suddenly.

"Oh, wow I could never take tea that strong, I like things sweet" he smiled as he handed her cup to her.

"Sweet as honey" Dixie replied as she sipped on it, Ethan's smile quickly dropped as he took a seat opposite her, "oh God sorry I didn't mean _your_ Honey I meant- well not _your_ Honey but, tea girl Honey I meant the actual honey as in the-" he cut her off.

"I get it" he grinned.

"So how's your head?" She asked changing the subject.

"Okay surprisingly, I had concussion as I suspected but I felt fine today, I had Caleb change my dressing before, I would've done it myself if it wasn't at the back of my head" he laughed.

"And how's he?" She asked.

"Well, obviously better than he was last night I think he's had his heart set on making his last day with Tobi a good one" he explained as he sipped some of his tea.

"It's not his last day with her, he's welcome to come and see her whenever he likes, morning or night, she's still his, I'm just minding her for a while" she stated.

"Thanks Dixie" he smiled gratefully.

There was suddenly the sound of a small voice coming from the living room, both of them turned toward the door as they heard it.

"Ah, Tobes is up" Ethan smiled as he swallowed his tea, "she always finds her voice when she wakes up, she'll sit there and "a-goo" until you go and get her and then won't open her mouth again all day, well, unless she wants kisses or sticks her hands in there" he laughed.

They then heard the sound of Cal yawning and then talking to Tobi, "Hello there little darling, how are you?" He grinned down at her.

"A-goo" Tobi smiled up at him as she kicked her legs about.

"Yeah 'a-goo a-goo' I hear it every morning, you won't talk when I want you too though will you? No you save your a-goo's for daddy doesn't you?" He spoke sarcastically as he picked her up and walked into the kitchen watching her with nothing but love in his eyes, "Oh Dixie" he stopped suddenly as he spotted her, "is that the time already?" he spoke frantically as he looked up at the clock.

"Yes" Ethan replied carefully, they watched as he visibly deflated before them.

But he composed himself "Okay" he mumbled as he thought, how would go about this without crying? He looked down at Tobi whose eyes flickered from Ethan to Dixie. Ethan and Dixie watched him warily, not knowing what his next move would be.

"Tobes" He whispered, his voice breaking slightly, the baby looked up at him, "This is Dixie, she's going to look after you for a while whilst I look after me...she's your new mummy" he whispered softly to the baby as he placed her in Dixie's arms.

"Hello sweetie" she whispered as she cradled her, Tobi smiled up at her as she did everyone though seeing his broke Cal's heart slightly.

"I've wrote down literally everything you need to know in this notebook" Ethan spoke as he handed it to her, "her daily routine is in there, also just little things she does that only we understand and things to work on with her, we almost got her saying daddy, she says the "Da-" and then gives up" he chuckled but when he noticed how far from laughter his brother was he stopped, "If there's anything else you need you have our numbers, call us anytime" Ethan added. Dixie smiled at Ethan before she looked toward Cal who watched Tobi carefully.

"Are you sure about this Cal?" she asked.

"Yes" Cal replied and head upstairs to get Tobi's belongings.

After he had packed Dixie's car full of every last thing that Tobi owned there was only one last thing to do; say goodbye. Although he knew it wasn't forever, it ached his heart. "Goodbye Tobes" he whispered as he pressed his lips against her head, "be good for your new mummy alright?" he smiled, "I'll be back for you before you know it" he mumbled, he stopped himself there for fear of crying. Ethan watched him carefully and led Dixie to her car with Tobi in her car seat; he strapped her in and stood back beside Cal.

They watched together until the car had vanished into the distance leaving them both with the feeling of _'what now?'_ Though neither of them said it, Ethan answered it for them "right, let's work on getting you better, the quicker you get better the quicker we can get her back" he stated and made his way back inside but Cal stood frozen, "Cal get inside you'll catch your death, it's freezing!" Ethan called from the step; he didn't budge. Ethan sighed at the fact he had to make his way out into the cold winter night once more and stood in front of his brother, "Cal this is for the best, you know it is" He told him.

"I know" Cal mumbled in reply much to Ethan's surprise.

"Right, well let's get you better eh?" he said urging him to go back inside.

"You say that as if it's easy" he scoffed, "Ethan this isn't some illness that you recover from just like that, every other illness you fight everyday to get better and to stay alive, with depression you spend every day wanting to die. I know it was for the best to give Tobi up, it wouldn't be fair to keep her, I have to focus on me" he concluded. Ethan nodded slowly and led him back indoors.

Cal had thought for months that his purpose was being Tobi's father, but only now had he seen that purposes' change constantly, his purpose now was getting better or at least getting rid of his dark thoughts. He knew it would take time and hard work but he also knew he wasn't alone in this, nor had he ever been. Nobody knew if Cal would get through this dark stage in his life or indeed get little Tobi back but one thing that Ethan knew for sure was how proud he was of his older brother, for many reasons he couldn't even begin to list, but the fact Cal had given up the one thing in his life he cared most about to spend time making himself better proved to Ethan just how amazing his brother was. All things came down to one conclusion in his mind; bravery. A quality that Ethan had admired about Caleb his entire life. He knew as he watched his brother take his new dosage of tablets, holding tightly onto Tobi's pink blanket, which was the only thing he left behind – purposely - that Cal would always remain his role model and there was no way he would ever lose him, or get that close to losing him again, he was just as much Ethan's safety net as Ethan was his, though of course he would never admit to that.

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 **I thought here would be a good place to end this story for a while. I think the thought of not knowing what became of Cal, Tobi and his depression allows your mind to do some wondering. If you would like I will post more on this story as I have some extra chapters written but I felt this story could be dragged out forever and so I decided to end it at the first chance I got. I've loved writing for this story and would love to post more on it so let me know what you think. I hope you've enjoyed 'That's what's in me' and I just want to say thank you for reading and for all the reviews you have left. I'll be back very soon with more stories and so until then, I suppose this is goodbye, Kayxxx :) X**


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